From beneath you
by Keki186
Summary: Sara's life from birth till... Saraother eventually SC WARNING: child abuse not explicit!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **Don't own them, never will...

**A/N: **Hey, this is my first fic ever. This is a Sara/other eventually C/S pairing. Thanks for reading! Hope you like it! Oh, I'm not a native speaker**.  
**

* * *

**From beneath you…**

It was a beautiful day in June. It was a rather special day, actually it was the longest day of the year. The day that introduced the summer, the good times, vacation,…and more specific my birth. I'm still not sure whether I'm a child of spring or summer. Anyway, in 1971 people were too high to know whether it was spring or summer. My parents named me Sara, after Sara Garcia, a great actress. I'm glad they named me Sara and not Moonray or something like that. My parents run a B&B in Tamales Bay, California. It wasn't a class star B&B, but they had enough visitors to get food on the table. The entire B&B breathed flower power. And with that I don't mean just the people who visited but you could smell the 'flower power' from miles away. Maybe that's why I can't remember that much of those years. My parents always seemed happy. The perfect little family, they and my brother.

11 years had passed and then they decided just like that, to have another baby. They said that I was actually planned and that my brother Matt was the accident. That they had to marry because of him. The only thing I can say about that is, where's the love? Even if it would happen to me, I would never marry a guy because I got pregnant, but those were the days that when you got pregnant you had to marry and that's what they did. I never knew why they waited 11 years… Maybe my brother got too old for…I don't know and actually, I don't care. I don't remember much of my childhood, some little things but nothing worth mentioning and I can't say that the only things I remember are happy things either.

My earliest memory…I believe it was my first day of school… I was 5 years old… I was so happy to go… meet other kids, play, learn and the most important of them all… away from home. I was always home, I didn't know any other kids, I wasn't allowed to play outside, so you can understand why I was so happy. I just loved school, it was something I was actually good at. I even skipped a grade, I went straight to the second grade. My parents didn't care. When I was gone they were happy. I really couldn't understand back then why that was, when I grew older… It doesn't matter anymore. My parents were always drunk or high or both. I was too young to understand…until I was 7.

It was March, I still remember it, I thought it was gone forever…A friend of mine (yes, I really had friends now), Angie, was moving to another country! She was my best friend! I remember I was angry at first, but later I understood why she had to move. Her parents were originally from the Netherlands and they decided to go back in March….March that is when it al begun. I went to Angie, to say goodbye. My mother told me that I couldn't stay away too long because the rooms needed to be cleaned. If I wanted to eat at night, I had to work for it, nothing is for free. That was one of the finer lessons they taught me. An hour, that's what she gave me! My best friend moved and never came back and all she gave me was ONE HOUR!! I smiled and said thank you, I turned around and started to run. She lived 10 minutes from my home, so the faster I ran, the longer I could see her.

Her house was so different than mine. They had a nice front garden with flowers…so many flowers. It was like a rainbow. Between those flowers you could see a path. I ran over the path to the door. Above the door hung a 'Welcome home' sign. It almost felt like I was home. Her parents were so nice. They always gave us milk and cookies. When you would see my 'garden' you would say that it was more like a desert. Sand everywhere, stones, cars,… But at the far end of the 'garden' was a big tree, and there was grass and some flowers. It was like an oasis. I always felt safe there, it was my little place. I even had a tree house. Made for me by.. who else than myself. I was really proud when I finally finished my tree house. My parents said it was absorbing too much of my time and threatened to break it down if I didn't do what they asked.

When I arrived at her home, she was already waiting for me. Every time I walked into her house I felt happy. The house was very bright and friendly. Her mother always said hello even if she was in the backyard. And she always talked to me like I was important, she always wanted to know everything. Angie and I went upstairs to her room. She had a beautiful room. I remember I was even jealous about that. My room was dark, her room bright. I had a thing that some people called bed. She had a big bed with beautiful sheets. I had a window to entertain me, she had a TV. But I had something she didn't have and that were books. I hid them in the back of my tiny closet. We sat on her bed and we talked and talked…and laughed and cried. She gave me her new address and she promised to write and if she could, call. I promised the same. I looked at my watch… Still 23 minutes to go. Make that 13 because I still had to run home. I really didn't want to go, she meant everything to me, she was my best friend. I was just staring at her when she talked, I tried to memorize everything so I could remember her better when I got older.

I was brought out of my stare when we heard loud banging on the door. Angie's dad opened the door…that voice…NO!...not that voice…Angie talked to me but I couldn't hear her, the only thing I heard was his voice…

"WHERE ARE YOU???!!!"

I was so scared that I could faint. The only other time when I heard that voice ended with my mom crying. And the next day she had a bruise somewhere. I felt like a robot. I didn't want to move but something drew me to that voice.

I turned to Angie "I'm sorry, got to go, bye…" was the only thing I said to her. "Don't forget me!" was all she said.

I never forgot her. I went downstairs, everything was a blur. Angie's dad told him to stay calm and that 'she' will be down within minutes. I just had to obey that demanding voice. Even if I wanted to run, I couldn't. 7 steps and I would see him, 7 steps to my road to hell, 7 steps from the biggest change in my life, 7 big steps that I didn't dare to take. On step 7 I promised myself that it wasn't my fault and it would never be mine, on step 6 that it wouldn't be that bad because hey, it's me Sara, on step 5 that I was stupid to think that it would happen to me, on step 4 that whatever happened someday the sun will shine again, on step 3 that I really should see a doctor because I'm not doomed to failure, on step 2 that in case I still wanted to be alive I really should breathe and on step 1 that from that day on I would never be like them.

He was still there, shouting to Angie's dad. By the tone of his voice I could hear he was drunk, again. I looked at my watch. I'm not late, still 16 minutes. I still needed to turn the corner and then I would finally face him. At some point I really wished it was God that I would face. Thinking about that seeing on how things went further, I would say that I almost faced God. Okay, here goes nothing!

I turned around the corner and immediately I felt his gaze. I didn't dare to look up. Maybe he was just angry with mom, maybe with Tom from the bar, maybe with…

"What are you doing here!!! You're supposed to clean the rooms! Can't you remember one little task!!!"

Just leave the maybes, he was angry with me. He never had been angry with me. I was always his little girl, I would make him proud! One day I would be the queen of the world, that's what he told me.

"Listen you spoiled brat, you better be home before I get there! Otherwise…" He looked at Angie's dad and back at me.

"Go!" Angie's dad said something to my dad but I couldn't understand what he was saying. The only thing I could think of was to get home…and fast!

I never looked back. Never. I ran out the door, through the garden, that beautiful garden with those beautiful flowers. I ran as fast as I could. I looked at the street, he was with his car! That means that he would be home in less than 5 minutes. I could never be home before him! I really think that I broke the world record then. I ran over the fields, the nice path with trees, the street where my teacher lives, I passed old Maurice's place and my uncle's workplace. One corner and I would be home.

I turned the corner and…NO! I'm too late!! He's already home!! I could have stopped running, but my legs ran even faster. I stood in front of my house with the broken porch, the filthy brown door with a broken glass and a sign that says: 'only cash'. Yeah 'nice' I know, but it was my home. I opened the door and stepped inside. In the room stood: my mother who was crying, my brother who looked like someone dearly died and my uncle who looked at the ceiling. Oh yeah, and how could I forget, my father who looked, well, beyond furious. I didn't understand, what were they doing here? My mother and brother yeah, I could understand that, but my uncle?

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!! THAT YOU COULD GO OUT AND PLAY? YOU'RE NO LONGER A BABY, YOU HAVE HANDS, YOU CAN WORK!! PLAYTIME IS OVER FOR YOU, YOU DIRTY LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!!

I know his vocabulary wasn't that great but he spoke English or something like it, he was drunk so talking was difficult. I was already crying, he never yelled at me. Before I could even answer him there was a BANG! I fell on the floor. He hit me!!! Why? I didn't do anything wrong, did I? "Why did you go there?" I got up again, my head hurt really bad.

"I…" BANG! Once again he hit me, but now on the other side of my head.

"Don't talk to me, you're too stupid to talk!" I fell on the floor again.

The others just watched and stood there. My mother cried even harder, my brother looked like he felt the pain and my uncle just stood there like a statue.

"From now on the only times you'll leave this house, is to go to school or to go to the shop! Understood!" I got up again.

"Yea.." I couldn't finish the sentence, he pushed me! I fell with my head against the cupboard. I was crying so hard that I didn't shed tears anymore. I didn't have the time to get up.

"I told you, retard, that you need to shut up!" Where did all the air go? I can't breath. Help? Not that they would come and rescue me. He was kicking me in the ribs. Now that I think about it, what kind of coward is he, kicking people when they are down!! I was counting: 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, … I don't know why I did that, maybe to forget the pain. He stopped at 12.

"I hope you'll learn that from now on things will be different, bitch. You're going to work for me and your mother, just like Matt, isn't that so Mattie boy?" Matt immediately answered "Yes sir!"

"Good boy! You see Stupid, oh that's your name by the way, if I call for Moron and Stupid then I mean your brother and you, remember that. And if you would like to walk again, Stupid, I would stop crying! Babies cry, weak people cry, a Sidle never cries! Now get up Stupid and go to work, Moron will tell you what to do." He wasn't even angry anymore.

He talked to me like I was an object. No, sorry, even that is too good, more like a dog or a donkey. My brother helped me to get up and walked with me to the kitchen. He was going to tell me something that would change my life forever.

* * *

My brother… He almost turned 18. My big brother, who would protect me from any evil. He always told me that. He never went to college, he stayed at the B&B. I remember that he once told me that when he was all grown up, he would like to be a lawyer or maybe a police officer. Well what a change of careers! I once heard him saying to his friend that he would probably die in Tam Bay. He didn't have much friends. The only friend I know he had was Dan. They were friends for as long as I can remember. Matt didn't have a girlfriend or at least, not that I was aware of. I think he was scared to have a girlfriend, scared that the parents would find out.

"Sar?" He called out for me. Every part of my body hurt. He looks at me and I don't see pity in his eyes, I see anger and hate and… understanding? I look away.

"Sar, look at me. I have to tell you something, you need to know. I know you are young, but you need to know. You are smart, Sar, never forget that, you are 7 and even now already you are smarter than the most of us. If someone tells you that you are stupid, remember that I told you that you are not. Never forget that!" I never forgot.

I sit on a kitchen chair, Matt is looking at the bruises that are starting to form. I still think that he could be a doctor. He knew always what to do when I had bruises, scars, pain, scratches and so on. He took some ice out of the refrigerator and wraps it in a towel. "Here, for your head." It still hurt when I thought about it. He walked over to a kitchen cupboard. It was an ugly kitchen. The cupboards were acid green, with a blood red sink, a blue refrigerator and a black dining table and chairs. Really, the person that decorated the place should be shot. Matt gives me a tube of something.

"It's something for the bruises, put it on them." I still hadn't said a word. I'm scared that if I said something he would be back. Silence is better, silence is good, silence means no pain.

"Sar, stay focused. Look at me. Does the light hurts?" The only thing I could do, was nod. "I'm sorry, sis. I'm so sorry. I wanted to take you and run, but I couldn't, I just couldn't!" Matt never cried. Never. Not a single tear was ever shed from his eyes.

"I have to tell you a story, remember every word I say, maybe you can help yourself, you are smart enough." Matt's story begins in 1958, my uncle was 12 years old. He tells me that my uncle lived with my mother. He is her brother. My grandparents died in a car crash and my mom was his legal guardian, so she took care of him. It were a hard times, but they could manage. In August 1959 mom met my dad. Everything was great, they really loved each other. In November my mother told my dad that she was pregnant and they decided to get married. From the day they were married things changed. He started to drink. And when he was drunk, he would hit mom. My uncle saw this once. From that day on, whenever he was drunk, he beat up my mom and my uncle. When Matt was born everything changed again. He turned into a loving husband and father. At least for a few months. They had just bought the B&B. Most of the costumers were real hippies. They lived of love and peace. I still think it's a misprint and that it should be love and weed. The customers paid with drugs and some paid with money. My dad started to use and my mother followed him. It didn't take long before they were using coke. My uncle tried to keep the B&B running and actually bring in some money. He took a second job at the age of 15. My dad still hit him and my mother. When he wasn't high he was drunk and vice versa. Matt was 3 years old and my dad really loved him. He gave him everything he wanted and more, but he never laid a hand on him, never shouted, never… my uncle moved out when he was 17. Around that time he met my auntie and she got pregnant and…yeah well you know the rest of the story. Matt was 6. My father lost a good and cheap employee, so he had to replace him. Now it was Matt's turn. The beating, the hurt, the pain,…he was even younger than I was! Matt gave me some 'tips', things I needed to know to be safer. Matt learned a lot during the years, he could tell when dad would hit him or mom, what he did to be safe. That sometimes it was better to lock yourself in the basement and stay there for a few hours, if necessary a few days. But he gave me one golden rule: never talk about it, with anyone. I didn't understand, he talked to Dan. Matt said that when I got older there might be someone special, a best friend or maybe a boyfriend I could talk to, but for now…no one. I just nodded. And then Matt told me the worst thing anyone could ever tell me.

"Sar, I'm moving out. Dan and I are going to New York and work there. I'm sorry." I asked him to take me with him, but he refused. He said that it would be better for both of us if I stayed. He said that he would come back for me.

He gave me a red crayon. "Take this and put it somewhere safe, you know, a secret place. Find a secret place in your room and put on that wall 365 lines, like this. Every day you have to strike out one. When they are all crossed, I'll be back to take you with me. Can you do that?" Again a nod.

"Now here's a list. You have to do this every day. Never forget a single thing. Never ask them anything, just do it. Never stay away to long, always come home immediately when school is out. Never bring friends home. Never ask questions. If dad asks you something, you will say yes sir. If you need anything, you'll find it in the kitchen. If you need a place to hide, remember, the basement or my room, okay. After uncle moved out, he never set foot in that room again, so I suppose it will be the same. Now go to your room and try to sleep. Never forget that I love you with all my heart, lil' sis, you are brave and strong, you are a survivor and most of all, you are smart, kid, never forget." I never forgot. That night he moved out. I never saw him again. I took the pencil out of my pocket and wrote above my window one word: FREEDOM.

* * *

**It's my first time so...R&R please, it would help me a lot! Thanks for reading!**

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: see chapter 1.**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews!!! If you've read chapter 2 of Sara's life please review...it'll help me a lot!!!**

* * *

**Chapter 2**

I did what my brother had asked. In my closet I drew 365 lines on the wall. I even counted them twice to be sure that I didn't forget a day. Why it had to be a red crayon I never knew. I picked up the list from my bed and read it. It was more a list of 'to do's". From now on I knew what every day would be like:

6.30 a.m.: get up and get yourself ready. Do not use the shower but the tile in the kitchen. Use cold water, the warm water is for the guests.

6.45 a.m.: prepare breakfast for the guests. And there was a menu scribbled on the paper. Look in the guestbook for the number of guests and special requests.

7.25 a.m.: clean the kitchen. The floor must be scrubbed every 3 days.

8.10 a.m.: go to school.

16.00 p.m.: prepare dinner for the guests, and again a menu, but there were 3 now so I could choose.

17.30 p.m.: clean the rooms of the departing guests. On the back of the list stood: if there are any other tasks that need to be done, make sure that the schedule stays as it is. Never change an hour, be thorough and punctual.

From that day on I was an official employee of Sidle B&B. I did everything they asked and even more. There were the occasional beatings, and strange to say, but eventually I got used of them. In school they asked me from time to time why I had so many bruises. Every time I told them a lie and they bought it. I still was an excellent student. My teachers praised me to heaven. I loved school even more because it was my moment of freedom. At night I read and read. One time my teacher accused me of being too good. We had to write a paper about the one thing that changed mankind entirely. I wrote a paper about Darwin and his theory. The other kids wrote about inventions and machines. I actually read one of his books: Origin of Species. Miss Delaware thought my parents had helped me and had written it for me. The only thing I could do was laugh. I told her that they couldn't even read a newspaper and that if I would say to them: "Mom, dad, I'm writing a piece about Darwin, can you help me?" that they would say something like: "Leave our guests alone, Sara, they don't like to be bothered!"

One day I left before dad would beat the shit out of me, I ran to my brother's room, locked the door and stayed in there. I still did as my brother had told every day I crossed out a line on my closet wall. There were 207 days left. I already survived more than 150 days. Anyway back to my brother's room. He was right, you know, my dad never came into that room again. Mostly I went to the basement. I already made a little room of it. But today I was closer to his room so….

I looked around, his room was the same as mine, only a little bigger. There was a thing people called bed, a little window, a closet and a desk. Wow, my brother had a desk! I never came in his room you know, it was against the rules. I went towards the little window and looked outside. Not that there would be anything new to see, but I had to do it. I turned around and went towards the bed and sat on it. When you sat on the bed you could see the entire room. From left to right: the door, next to it the desk, a poster of an island, the little window, a bookshelf and the closet. There was something strange about the window but I couldn't put my finger on it. I stood up and walked towards it. And then I saw it! Above the window was something written! 'HOPE NEVER DIES' in red crayon! My mind turned in overdrive. Could it be? Maybe he..? I needed to be sure. I looked everywhere, hoping to find the thing I was looking for.

The first place I looked was his closet. If he also had written something above the window, then why not looking in the closet. I opened the door and started to search. I searched every inch of that closet, but found nothing. Even the door from the inside, but nothing. I checked the walls, nothing. On the desk, behind the desk, in the drawers, but nothing. Then my eye fell on the large poster of that unknown island. I removed the drawing–pins. It fell to the floor. I stood there and yes, there it was. 365 lines on the wall, all crossed out! Under the last one was something written: 'Light never came 23:34'. What was that supposed to mean? It didn't make any sense. Light never came where or when? I realized that I spend quite some time in Matt's room. I looked at my watch: 18.27 p.m. I had been in this room for at least one hour. I still needed to clean 2 rooms. I hoped that dad had cooled down. I opened the door and listened. No sound, nothing. I decided that I should take the risk and go out.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading...next chapter will be up soon!!! Promise!  
**_

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: see chap 1.**

**A/N: next chapter will be longer... **

* * *

**Chapter 3 **

It almost had been a year since Matt was gone. I never heard of him. He never wrote, never called. I thought it was part of the plan. I missed my brother though. 9 days and he would come back. 9 days, I could almost taste freedom. I survived but sometimes I wished I was death.

To make it even worse, Laura joined Matthew. I don't know why but even she called me Stupid, hit me, called me names and used me as a work animal. Oh yeah, Laura is my mother's name and Matthew my dad's. I can't call them mom and dad anymore, that is a title you have to deserve and they don't deserve such a title. I have to say that it is easier to talk about them with their names. More distant you know.

Since Laura joined Matthew, she was cleared of his fists. She changed. At the beginning she only hit me when he would hit me, but now, she hit me even more than he did. I was promoted as her personal punch bag. I can't stand hospitals anymore. The smell, the people who always smile and for what? To make it better? They don't know a thing! If I died then and years later someone should have found me, I think that my bones could be used as a giant puzzle. They broke almost every bone I had in my entire body. I can't even count the times I had a concussion.

Laura found out about the basement. She now uses it to lock me in when she can't stand me anymore. I remember once when I was supposed to go to school. My teacher came by the house to ask about me. Laura told Miss Delaware that I was really sick and that she would write a note. I was angry at Miss Delaware. Because of her, my mother beat the crap out of me again. Miss Delaware came by on Thursday, because of her Laura locked me in the basement till Sunday! I knew that it wasn't her fault, she only wanted to be sure that everything was okay. 5 days in a dark basement, with a bottle of water and some bread. That's all I got. Oh no, sorry, once a day Matthew came downstairs to let me know how stupid I was, a mistake, that I couldn't be a Sidle child. A Sidle is strong, works hard, listens well and obeys her parents! I was a failure, a faux pas of Mother Nature. At some point, I broke, I started to believe him. I was a failure! "Remember that you are smart, Sar, never forget!". I never forgot. It was because of what my brother told me, that I stayed strong. I also remember that I really needed to sleep then.

9 days passed. It was the day that Matt would come and rescue me. I smiled the entire day. I never was this happy in my entire life. My mother tried to hit the smile of my face but she couldn't. A year, a long year and that night, I would be free. I did everything on the list as fast as I could.

I was ready with the rooms at 19.22 p.m. I went to my room and packed a bag. Some clothing, a toothbrush, my comb, some books and of course, my red crayon. I sat on my bed and waited. Waited. Waited. I looked expectantly at the door, soon that door would swing open and Matt would be there. Hours passed, clouds passed by the window, the sun went from bright to red. Red as my little crayon. Then she went to purple red, then dark blue to end in black.

22.51 p.m.: I checked my bag again. I wouldn't look back. Never. He will come, you'll see. I sat on the bed again and waited. Waited. Waited….

I looked at my watch again: 23.23 p.m. My door opened, finally Matt would be there! Yeah, I was damn right Matt was there, but it was the older version. He stepped into my room and looked at me. I looked to the floor, I always did when I saw him. He sat down next to me on the bed and put his hand on my shoulder. He bent down and whispered in my ear with his sweetest voice: 'Honey, don't be afraid, you're safe, believe me, close your eyes.' I closed my eyes, he whispered again. 'Relax, tonight the light will come for you.' I thought he referred to Matt. What happened afterwards I refuse to describe. I promised to myself that I would never ever talk about it again.

The next day I opened my eyes, still thinking that it was just a bad dream. Wrong again. Goodbye dream, welcome reality. It was real, it really happened. Before I could think of something else, I started to puke. I cried and cried.

I sat in my little closet staring at the line I had written beneath the lines: '_Light never came 23:23_'. I finally understood the line beneath Matt's lines. I counted the lines again: 365, all crossed out. I think I could say then that light indeed never came. My light never came. Matt never came. He just left me there. He failed me. I lost hope, and he had told me hope never dies. He was wrong, hope can die. When you hope, there is still light. Light never came. My light was gone. I wondered who was the light of my brother? Because his light was gone too? And then everything faded to black.

* * *

_**R&R... Next chapter will be up soon! Thanks for reading!**_

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: see chap 1**

**A/N: Hope you like it! Eventually all the pieces of the puzzle will fit...  
**

* * *

**Chapter 4 **

The years passed and everything stayed as it was. I still lived in my very own house of horror. Speaking of a house, I broke down my tree house. It lost its meaning. I did that when I was 8. From that day on I considered myself an adult. My childhood was gone and took my happy memories with it. Anyway, the next thing I remember was when I was almost 13.

To be more precise, it was my birthday. I was doing my routine and as always I didn't expect a present. No, the fact that I was still able to breathe was a present, thank you Matthew. I never heard a thing of my brother. He had disappeared. For his own good, I can tell you that, if I had seen him back then, I would have killed him with my bare hands! He left me there, he broke his promise! Every time I looked in the mirror I had to puke. I couldn't see my own face anymore. There was too much resemblance. I even have the same stupid gab between my teeth. It's hideous, I'm hideous. I hated the face I saw in the mirror, and sometimes I still do.

I was cleaning the kitchen, so it was around 7.25 a.m. Matthew entered the kitchen and sat down on a chair. He inspected the kitchen, he always did, bastard. One time I forgot a glass. One glass. That cost me to be precise: bruised ribs, a broken wrist and a black eye. I could work for a theater or sorts. I was an expert in masking bruises. I could be one of the best, you know. He looked around, he couldn't find a mistake. I did everything as told. Good for me. Or not. I don't know why or what I had done wrong, but he wanted to beat me up again. I felt it. And this time I couldn't run. He grabbed me by the neck and pushed me to the floor. I started counting again. I did it every time since the first time. 4, 5, 6,…. He stopped? Normally he would go on till 12! I didn't get it, why did he stop?

"It's a special day today, isn't it? Well I have a special present for you…" I knew his presents, they were special alright, but they were never good.

He dragged me from the kitchen to my bedroom by my hair, I realized instantly how bad his present was going to be. I didn't scream. I didn't cry. Why would I, there was no way out. There would never be a way out. He started to beat me again. 7, 8, 9, … he stopped again, why did he stop now? I opened my eyes and saw Laura standing behind him. In her hand a large kitchen knife. I cursed, not because she stabbed Matthew, but because I just cleaned the damn knife. Now I had to clean it again. Thank you Laura, no really, thank you. Wait, she stabbed Matthew! She was yelling something but I couldn't understand.

She looked at me and yelled again: "Happy Birthday Sara! Happy Birthday, honey!" What? I mean, what? She stabbed him again and counted: 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. And then she stopped. All I could see was red. The furniture, the walls, my clothes…red. She was laughing. I smelled blood, the iron in it. Or better the irony in it: Laura stabbed Matthew 12 times for my birthday. She looked at me with the most friendly eyes I've ever known she had, I forgot she had beautiful eyes. And for a moment I saw my mother again. The person, who left me years ago, was back.

She looked at Matthew, her entire body stiffened, her eyes grew cold and distant. On the floor was her distant memory of happiness. Her love, her life, her future lay there on the floor. It is true, a Sidle is a fighter. He fought for his life. He wanted to get up, but he couldn't.

'_How does it feels, Matthew, __that you're down and__ can't get up?_' I thought. 6 minutes later he breathed his final gasp of air. And then everything stopped. And in his eyes, I saw fear. That was the first time I saw a dead person. And honestly, they all look alike although you never get used to it.

"For you, Sara, be free, the light came for you, but not for me." That woman is insane. I just sat there, looking at her, confused… She found out! She found out and made the connection. But how could she understand what that meant. She had been in my room! She had violated my privacy. She had discovered the secret, the burden I carried for the past 6 years. I needed to get out. I crawled out of the bedroom. I was really good in blending in, disappearing in the environment. I was scared that she would come after me. I crawled to the closest phone and dialed 9-1-1. 10 excruciating minutes later the police arrived.

They took her away. "For you, Sara, just for you!" was the last thing she said. I sat against the wall, the blood of Matthew dripping of my face. My ribs hurt. My head too. Too much, just too much. "Sara? Hello, Sara dear?" A soft voice called my name. It was a woman of social services. She took me with her. From that day on I was the child whose mother stabbed her father and that was in the System. They could just call me Sara, that would be lovely. They placed me in numerous foster homes. I never fitted there.

My mother's trial was held in 1984. I wasn't there, didn't want to see her. I gave my statement and that was enough. I couldn't go through that again. She was sentenced to live. But not in a prison, no, in a closed mental institution in Cali. Not that I cared. The farther the better. A month or two later they found me a new foster home. A single mom with a son who was about my age. Great, couldn't care less. The first time I saw Sam, I knew that she was different. She was about 5'6", slim, had brown hair and green eyes. Those eyes…they were so caring, friendly and open. She took me in her home and considered me as her daughter from the first day. She introduced me to Brian, my new brother. I never forgot Matt, but for my concern, he was dead. Brian, well, typical teenager, he was pretty much the same as me. We shared the same interests: books, science, movies and music. I loved that place. They helped me to live again. To do things that I wanted to do. They let me be who I was. They helped me to find 'me' again...

* * *

_**R&R please... Will there be a light for Sara...who knows...Next chap will be up soon!**_

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimers: See chap 1**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews!!! I know that the first 4 chapters are a bit dark but Sara's childhood isn't that bright...but as you know..there is a light at the end of every tunnel...but for how long...  
**

* * *

**Chapter 5 **

When we were 16 we both, Brian and I, gained early admission to Harvard. We took it with both hands. I studied Theoretical Physics and Brian English Literature. We studied hard, but partied even harder….

At one of those parties I met Jules, short for Julianne but she really hated that name. Jules was two years older than me, she was even taller than me, had short brown hair and the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. I stepped into one of the dorms where the party was held and noticed her standing by the fireplace with a plastic cup in her hand. The sight of her took my breath away and a nice and warm feeling spread through my body. I was unable to do or say anything, I just stood there taking in the 'view'. That feeling made me feel really strange inside.

Some people once told me that when you saw the most beautiful thing on earth, you would feel it in every fiber of your body. Now, I knew what they meant. It was like seeing a piece of art for the first time and you reach out to touch it. Or when you went hiking and you came on a spot where no one had ever been. Pure and untouched, waiting for you to explore, to feel, to smell, to taste. That's why I like science, it isn't real unless you can prove it. She was my experiment and I wanted to prove that my theory was correct. '_Sidle, I mean come on, what the hell are you thinking about! Hello, never go on first impression, you don't even know the girl…_' She was talking with some other people, I can't even remember what they look like and she was laughing, suddenly she turned her head and locked eyes with me. What are the odds… I still hadn't moved an inch and was staring at her unashamedly, she noticed and did the same, she gave me a once over and I felt a blush creep over my cheeks. '_No one ever gave me a once over! Never! Okay, I probably wore the wrong clothes, or maybe there is something wrong with my face or…Sidle! Stop babbling, you look like a mental case!'_

I was very nervous and for the first time I took my eyes off of her. I started after my brother, who already made his way over to the punch bowl. '_Need a drink! Now!'_ I took the drink he offered me and emptied it in one gulp. Then another one. What was happening with me, I never felt something like that before. Well actually I did, I had the same feeling when I was with my first best friend Angie, only now it had intensified. I danced a bit and hung out with my friends, but I didn't dare to look around the room, I was still too nervous to face her again. No such luck, because she thought differently. When I needed to rest for a moment, she went over to the couch I was sitting in and she sat down next to me. '_Okay Sara, breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, in and out, in and out. She is just sitting next to you, no biggie. This is a free country, she can sit wherever she wants to. It's not like she is actually going to talk to you_.'

She remained quiet for a couple of minutes as if she was waiting for me to start a conversation. Maybe she wanted an apology for my staring fest… "Hi, I'm Jules. I saw you sta…watching me when you came in. Saw something you like?" '_Helloho… person she talked to …just answer her question. It is really rude to just ignore people, you know! Oh my! She is actually talking to me!_' Her voice was soft and sweet. I knew I was lost. I opened my mouth but no words came out. What was wrong with me… I never acted like this before. When I finally managed to say something, we started a conversation about everything and nothing. We discovered we had a lot in common and became friends. Very close friends I might add, because we were almost inseparable. We hung out everyday, and I wasn't that nervous anymore around her.

My feelings became stronger and stronger. She even appeared in my dreams, which was a really good thing, because although it were rather disturbing dreams, they were 1000 times better than the nightmares I had almost every night. I said disturbing, well I dreamed that we did all kinds of stuff we do when we spend time together but when we said goodbye, something changed… We always started kissing and not a sweet kiss on the cheek kinda kiss, no a really passionate, blood racing, heartbeat increasing kinda kiss. And after a couple of weeks my dreams became even more passionate, we almost always ended up naked on a bed and… I think I didn't even have the words to describe what happened then. But the visions weren't the disturbing part, what disturbed me the most was that I really _really_ liked it. I woke bathing in my own sweat, feeling happy and frustrated that it was just a dream. Maybe I don't make much sense, but this was difficult for me, I can't explain what I felt because this was all new to me…

Weeks passed but I never talked about my dreams with Jules or anyone for that matter. I still didn't understand what they meant and where they came from. Because I was too afraid to speak about all the things I was going through, I became a little distant, I started to close myself off. When you act like nothing is going on, you can't accidently speak about it…right? My brother noticed the change in me, but he kept quiet, I think he didn't want to push me. Jules noticed it too, but she knew me well enough by now to not push the matter.

One day I couldn't go through with it anymore, I really had to talk to someone because I was afraid I was going insane. I couldn't talk to Jules about it, what if she thought I was some kind of freak, I couldn't risk losing her, so I went to the only person I could talk to about everything (or almost everything), Brian.

"Brian, do you have a minute, I need to talk about something." I asked a bit nervous. Which is strange because me and my brother could talk about everything. I know he would support me, even when he knew it was something stupid, he was always behind me.

"For you, I'm all ears." So I told him about the first time I met Jules and about my dreams and my feelings. "Wow…" was all he said, some thoughts crossed his mind, I saw it in his eyes, I saw confusion and something else but I didn't know what, because he remained silent I became nervous and started to walk away.

"You know what, forget it…" Apparently there was one topic we couldn't talk about. I really felt hurt. This is the first time he wouldn't support me! This is the biggest thing in my life and he doesn't support me!

"Sar wait!" I stopped. "Don't go, I'm sorry I didn't say more but I didn't expect this. I mean I didn't expect you would talk to me about it." I didn't say anything, so he went on. "I knew there was something going on between the two of you but I never thought you would want to speak with me about it. You know, because it's your little secret." Now I was surprised, so he knew but didn't expect me to talk about it.

"No, it's not because Jules doesn't know this, I don't know what's going on with me, why I feel all those things…".I said.

He gave me a funny look "For someone as smart as you, you are really socially inept." He laughed a bit and I couldn't help but laugh too, because he was right. "Sar, you are in 'love' with her…" He emphasized the word 'love'. I stopped laughing, I stopped breathing too. What? Me in love with Jules… Nah! He was kidding right?

I left without another word and went to my room. I fell on my bed and started to think. After several long minutes, maybe even hours, I had to admit that he was right again. I was in love with Jules. Although I was still confused, I was glad too, because some great weight was lifted from my shoulders and I could act normal again. I decided to keep my feelings to myself because I didn't know how I could tell Jules. Between us everything was still great, we talked and talked and had fun, went to parties, passed out together, and other crazy stuff.

Until one afternoon when our classes were cancelled…it was a beautiful day so we decided to sit outside in the sun. We had a light conversation, as always. Like I said we talked about everything, except our parents. I was afraid that she would once start to question me about them, so it was safer to beat her to it. "Jules, how are your parents? We talk about everything but…" I trailed off, Jules expression changed from happy to thoughtful then hurt. '_Good one Sidle!'_ I immediately regretted my question but before I could say something, she composed herself visibly and started to tell me her story. Well, it wasn't a nice one, it reminded me much of my own childhood. "Yeah, I know what it's like, the trips to the hospital…" She stopped talking and just watched me. I didn't realize I had spoken until I saw the look of concern on her face.

"Sar, you're…uh…did you…" she was clearly short of words. As she was talking all color had left my face and I started to feel really sick when long suppressed memories found their way to my mind again. Finally she found her voice.

"Sar, are you okay?" the concern in her voice made my eyes become wet with tears.

"I … I can't tell you." She looked even more hurt, so I added. "But you can read it." I stood up and went towards my dorm. She followed me, probably confused by my actions. When we were in my room, I lifted a box from under my bed and opened it, inside were a couple of things I collected throughout the years that mean a lot to me, there's also a book. I took it and handed it to her.

"You sit and read, I'm going for a walk any questions you might have you can ask me later." I couldn't stand to be in the same room with that book opened. It was my diary, every day from the day my brother left till the day Laura killed Matthew I had written in it. After that day I never opened it again, I don't need the book to remind me, the scars and memories are enough to make sure I will never ever forget what happened. But I couldn't throw it away either.

So I walked and walked, not knowing what my destination was going to be. Several hours later I returned, I thought Jules would have left by now but she hadn't. She just sat there on my bed, she didn't say anything, she just watched me. For a moment it looked like the book was untouched and she hadn't read it. Then she motioned for me to sit next to her, I obeyed.

"They were even worse than my parents." she said in an even tone.

We sat there, in silence, for a while. She reached out, very slowly, as if she was not sure whether it was a good idea but she still did it and touched my hand, very softly and then squeezed it gently, locking eyes with me. I drowned in her gaze and tucked a stray lock of her hair behind her ear. She lend into the touch. Her left hand was still in mine, and I cupped her cheek with my free hand. A warm sensation shot through my body and without saying anything I brought my lips closer to hers, our lips were just inches apart. Without breaking the eye contact, I kissed her. My lips brushed against hers, she didn't pull away, she just closed her eyes and deepened the kiss. The jungle in my head can't rule my heart. This feeling is so much stronger than a thought. It's everything I wished for and until now I didn't know it existed. She gave me something... I can feel! She opened her eyes and looked at me. She let me look into those blue orbs, that gate to her soul, she let me touch her deepest 'she' and I returned that special gift. A longing I had for weeks, months, resulted in this one kiss. A simple kiss that shook my world upside down. I felt free, high… but most of all, I felt who I was. Jules did that to me. She opened the gate to… well, myself.

"I've wanted to do that for weeks now." Why was I being this honest… Damn my big mouth. She blushed and smirked. "I almost thought you never would …" Okay, did she just say that she was waiting… "But why didn't you say anything?" I asked a bit nervous.

"Because I was afraid that you would bolt and never come back, you know you're really open with me, but I always felt that you were not telling me everything. I began to mistake it for not daring to tell me you didn't have feelings for me. So…" She trailed off. We talked about our feelings for each other and discussed how we went on from there.

So we decided to date and after a couple of dates we made love for the first time. At first I was a bit afraid, it was the first time I let someone touch me and it was the first time someone saw me naked. I felt exposed but not in a good way, my memories came haunting me again, but when Jules touched me it was soft and loving and with it all my fears and doubts were erased.

It was the happiest period of my life but when the end of the school year came, something occurred to us that we hadn't thought of…Jules was a senior and she was leaving Harvard. My heart broke and I felt miserable. We talked about it and at first we decided to have a long distant relationship but something didn't feel right. I don't know why, but I felt like I was taking away her freedom and that's something I couldn't live with. Nobody has the right to do that to another person, except when you're a criminal and you end up in jail. So I told Jules that she should be free, that we were too young to have a commitment like that. She was angry and hurt, but eventually she agreed with me. We said our goodbyes and promised to keep in touch.

* * *

**_It's just a tiny light, I know, but maybe that light could get bigger who knows... :-) R&R please... next chapter will be up soon!_**

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: see chap 1**

**A/N: And the story continues... **

* * *

**Chapter 6 **

When we were 22 we went to Miami. We: Brian, Dave, Kennedy and me. That's when I became a great member of the Mile High Club. Delta Airlines, Flight 1109. Boston to Miami, March '93. Ken 'Kennedy' Fuller. Hazel eyes, Chem TA. We all graduated cum laude. But it wasn't enough for me, I needed more. I transferred to Berkley UC for my Masters in theoretical physics. Around that time I also started to work for the coroner's office in San Francisco. I always wanted to solve puzzles, well a body is a big puzzle. And for every puzzle there is a solution. I learned a lot there. I came in contact with the Frisco Crime Lab. Now that looked like an interesting job…

When I was 26, I applied for a job as a CSI. After one year of training, I became a CSI level 1, and a very good one I might say. Sam didn't like the fact that I worked with the dead, but hey dead people can't harm you. They are quiet and peaceful, at least that is, when their case has closure. I just loved that job.

The next thing I remember was when I was 28. I was recently promoted to a CSI 2 and attended a lecture at the University. That was the first time I saw him. He gave a lecture about some bugs and timelines, now that was interesting. The bugs no not really, but the thing with the timelines…wow! I was amazed by the way he spoke and how he moved. He really knew what he was talking about. After the lecture I talked to the man and found out that his name was Gil Grissom. Dr. Gil Grissom as he corrected himself. I laughed, it reminded me of Bond, James Bond. We talked for a few hours about the most interesting subject of them all: work. I learned that Grissom would come and work for our Crime Lab. Not permanently, but for 6 months, to learn new methods.

Those 6 months flew by. He told me that he would call me, just to chat (I really don't know why he mentioned that last part). And indeed, once or twice a week he called, just to chat. He talked about his new cases and I talked about mine. Or an interesting technique to solve a problem. Or about a new experiment. Or just to say who bothered him at work. From my point of view, I could say that he had a lot of problems with a guy named Ecklie, dayshift's supervisor. Grissom was supervisor of a great team. Wait, I can remember the names: Nick, a guy from Texas, Warrick a local, Catherine a former stripper (I didn't know stripper was a town, but hey this is Grissom, you know) and Greg the lab rat. Everything went just fine, they worked great together and looked like a happy family. At my own work everything went well, I did a good job. Personal life, not that good. I just broke up with Shaz. So as always work life: great, personal life: sucked at the moment.

I'm 29 years old and still living for the job. My current status is single. I dated over the years, but after Shaz and I broke up, I didn't have a long-term relationship. I fooled myself by telling myself that I didn't have time for it, work always comes first. I'm almost a CSI 3 now. I love the work although the cases sometimes really get to me. But I still can distance myself from them. I try to help the victims by solving their case, hoping I could help the families to find some closure. But, I don't know, sometimes I feel like this is all that my job could offer. I've lost the challenge. Most of the cases are a slam dunk, no more mystery, no more speculation, all the evidence is there and case closed. And then my cell rings…

"Sidle."

"_Sara, it's Gil. I need you here." _Okay, I always knew he could be pretty vague with information, but this is just too vague.

"Grissom, okay, 2 things: 1 you're joking right and 2: why?"

"_Do I ever joke, Sara?"_

"Griss, do I really have to answer that question?"

"_No, but still, I need you, it's urgent, I can't tell you more, I want you to come to Vegas and work here."_

"Yeah, sure, why not, I will drop everything, leave my family behind and run to you, Grissom, why would I even think about it?"

"_Sara, you are the only person I trust, one of my colleagues is in trouble, I don't want I.A. to interfere, I want you here to investigate what happened, and if you like it here, well, maybe you could stay. I know I ask a lot, but I would never do such a thing if it wasn't urgent. Think about it Sara and let me know what your decision is."_

"Fine, I'll let you know. Oh and Griss, yeah, everything is fine with me, thank you for asking."

And with that I hang up my phone. Well this is nice to start your day. Good morning, today you have to make a decision that will probably change your life, further the weather is nice and warm, enjoy your day. Typical Grissom to do something like that. I really need to think. Good that it's my day off. I get into my car and drive to the only place that gives me time to think.

"Hi mom." I started to call Sam mom since my 15th birthday. She really is a mom to me, she really deserves that title.

"Hi Ripcurl, how are you?." Ah, the famous name mom always uses when she sees me. When I was 15 I was obsessed with surfing. All I could talk about was surfing. One day I found a flyer of Ripcurl, it's the name of a company that manufactures everything that has something to do with surfing. I wanted clothing from Ripcurl, a board from Ripcurl, towels from Ripcurl and if it was even possible PJ's. Mom found it so funny that from that day on she called me Ripcurl, because when she mentioned that name, she would have my full attention.

"Um, fine I guess." I wasn't really sure whether I was good or not, so fine would do it.

"Come on hon, sit down, you want coffee? Of course you want coffee! So spill it!" Sam always could tell when I needed to talk, it was like a sixth sense she had. And she is the source of my coffee-addiction. She said that you can talk about everything with a good, steaming cup of coffee.

"Well, I don't know where to start. Grissom called today to ask me something and I don't know what to do."

"No… Grissom called to ask you something, well that's new! And what scientific question he had today? You know I can't help you with that, but I can try, call me professor." I laughed, she always makes me laugh. She was right, Grissom often called to ask me a scientific question and sometimes I actually could answer the question. Sometimes he called to talk about a book he read. He gave some quotes and I had to guess. Not a fun game, I don't like literature that much. Sure I know my writers, but that's it. I read most of the classics but I don't like the newer ones, and I especially dislike most of the new detective novels because the forensics are all wrong. I like to read, but I read forensic books or magazines. I even read the entire history of forensics. Grissom had to admit that even he didn't read the whole book. I know, sounds freaky.

"No, mom, today he actually called me to HELP him. One of his colleagues is in trouble, he wants me over there to investigate the whole thing. He didn't want IA to interfere. And he added: 'if you like it here, maybe you can stay and work here'. I don't know what to do. I have my work here, my family, friends…. Vegas is…well, Sin City. I don't know any one there except Grissom, no friends, no family around. But Vegas is Sin City, it's a new environment, new cases, new lab, new toys to play with."

"Well Ripcurl, that's a pretty hard decision. And you already put pro's against the con's. But what does your heart say?"

"It says that I would be stupid if I declined to work in the country's number two crime lab. Stupid if I didn't take that chance. But also stupid to just leave my family behind."

"Honey, I really think you should take this opportunity. If you really don't like it there, you can always come back. I think your boss will take you back anytime. And for us…. We could come and visit you, you could come and visit us. I've never been to Vegas, you could actually show me around.

"Hmm, maybe I could do that. It's a big decision, I should leave tomorrow or the next day, I don't have a place to stay, I don't know what to expect. There are two things I know: 1. I know at least one person: Grissom and 2: I know the job description. But I know nothing about the task Grissom asked me to do. And investigate a team member…If, and I do say if I would start to work there, that would be a nice introduction, don't you think. 'Hello, Sara Sidle, CSI 2, expertise: materials and element analysis, nice to meet you and oh, I also investigate whatever it might be that you or your co-worker had done.' Aaarrrggghhh, I don't know!"

"Go, Sara. Just go and find out. If it is not good enough for you then come back. You have my full support. I mean it, go for it. Try this. The only thing you don't like about it, is the fact that you don't have all the evidence, isn't it? Ignore the evidence for once and go with your feeling!" My mother says dramatically. She could be one hell of an actress if she wanted. Instead she prefers the books of her little bookstore downtown.

"Yeah, maybe I should. Thanks for the talk. You once again cleared my vision, 'professor'. I better get going, if I really want to go I need to do some things. Bye mom, I'll call you tonight." And with that I was gone.

I went to see my boss and told him I transferred to Las Vegas. He already knew, Gil had called him too and asked him to prepare the papers for my transfer. Surprised? No not really, that is typically Gil Grissom. Excuse me, DR. Gil Grissom. My boss wished me good luck and told me that I could come back whenever I wanted. After that I went to see Brian. I explained everything and he told me the same. The last stop that I needed to make was at my apartment. I called the owner to terminate my contract. I putted everything in boxes and stored them and my furniture in my mom's garage. I packed a bag with just enough clothing, a few books, my toiletries and in the front pocket I put my little red crayon. I never forgot. The only thing I needed to do was to make a reservation. One ticket, from San Francisco to Los Angeles. I told my mom that when I arrived and found a place to stay she should send over my CD's and boxes.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading...as always: R&R please :-) ... next chapter will be up soon!**_

_**Gryffindor: 15 years can pass real quickly ;-)**_

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: see chapter 1**

**A/N: Sorry I kept you waiting for a bit longer then usual... **

* * *

**Chapter 7 **

A fresh start, a new future, time to make progress. I stepped out LAX with fresh confidence. I didn't call Grissom to tell him I was on my way. I wanted it to be a surprise. Time check: 1.41 p.m.

Now if I would be Grissom, where would I be…. Probably not at work yet. Next shift starts in 8 hours…. Even if he wanted to go in early…this is way too early. Maybe at home. Where did I put his address again. I searched my bag and found it tucked between a forensic book. '2974 Westfall, Las Vegas NV 89109'. I called a cab and gave him the address. It was a 45 minutes drive. The cab pulled up in front of a nice town house.

Now that surprises me! Grissom, who lives in a regular townhouse! I paid the driver, but asked him to wait until I gave a sign and got out. It really was a big house for one person. Lovely garden too. Probably full of bugs. I knocked on the door and waited. No response. I knocked again and waited, again no response. The next-door neighbor told me that Mr. Grissom didn't come home. The last time he saw Mr. Grissom was 2 days ago. I thanked the neighbor and walked back to the cab. I gave him the address of HQ.

20 minutes later the cab stopped in front of the Las Vegas Crime Lab. I paid the driver again and got out. I stepped into this large building that probably would be my home for the next couple of years. I walked straight to the reception desk. The halls were lighted with numerous lights. I think that they did that to make you believe that it was actually daytime. The entire lab had glass labs and offices. But that wouldn't make it any easier to find your way. When I looked at the left wall I saw a collection of photos of police officers and other employees who retired or, unfortunately, died on duty. I asked if Gil Grissom was in. The friendly receptionist…whose name was Lise, '_I'll have to remember that_', told me that Mr. Grissom was out in the field, she wrote down the address on a piece of paper. Jeez, what does a person have to do to find someone here!!! I thanked Lise and stepped out again. Time check: 3.24 p.m.

That's what I have been doing since I arrived here. I call another cab and wait for the cab to arrive. I sit outside the building on the other side of the street on a bench. A lot of people walk in and out of the building, but I don't recognize any of them. They all look very much the same. Black suit, white shirt. They all have the same job. I've been in Las Vegas for only 2 hours and I could already tell the lives of most of the people who were walking by. For instance: a middle-aged man, starting to lose his hair, wearing a suit. Out of the pocket of his vest dangles a badge. So he is a detective. His face shows the things he had been through: probably divorced, living alone, maybe one or two kids that don't like him because he is too absorbed by his job. He looks sad, something bad must recently have happened. You see, I can tell a lot about someone only by looking.

I have a look at the paper Lise has given me and read the address. 3770 LAS VEGAS BLVD. STH , 89109, Hotel Monte Carlo, Monaco suite. Under the address is something else written: _Call me if you want to see more of Sin City_, and then her phone number and a file of the case I need to investigate. _Wow, 2 hours and I got my first phone number! Great city!_

From the corner of my eye I see a SUV park in front of the building. The door opens and a redhead steps out of the car. She is different than the others. She wears a black pants and a blue top. Really suits her. She walks towards the building. Before she enters she turns around and looks directly at me. I'm pretty sure I've never met her. _Why would she look in…saved by the cab_. I give the driver the address and for the third time today I'm sitting in a cab who brings me to my unknown destination. I start to read the file Lise gave me.

So if I understand this correctly Grissom brought me here to investigate why Warrick Brown left this girl on a scene. There is a photo of the girl. Holly Gribbs, started her first day as CSI. _Wow, nice recommendations_. Oh! I read further…'Was shot during the job. She processed a scene which was apparently cleared. The lead CSI was nowhere to be found. He claims that he..' _He left her!_ Because of him this fine woman is in hospital fighting for her life! Now I see why Grissom wants an investigation and why he didn't want I.A. breathing down his neck. Good thing he asked some one else though. I read the entire file and make some side notes. I am just finished when the cab stops.

Once again I pay the driver, take my bag and get out of the car. I don't even have to ask where the crime scene is. About 50 people are standing behind a yellow crime scene tape. They are all the same. Yellow and black. I look up and from what I could see, they are simulating a crime scene. Some one threw a dummy of the hotel's roof. Oh no my mistake, another dummy is thrown and another one. 3 dummies… so they weren't sure whether he jumped, fell or was pushed of the roof. '_So old school_' I chuckle and walk to the yellow tape and show the officer my badge. And there he is. Finally, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only DR. Gil Grissom! He is talking to himself again and he takes some photo's of the dummies.

"Norman _'pushed'_ " he says and 'click' a photo.

"Norman _'jumped'_ " and 'click' a photo.

"Norman _'fell'_ " and 'click' a photo.

I can't let this one pass by. "Wouldn't you if you were married to Mrs. Roper?" I say. I put my bag on the ground and I have this huge grin on my face.

Grissom puts his camera on the floor and says "I don't even have to turn around. Sara Sidle." He turns around and smiles back.

'_He didn't changed a bit_' I take off my sunglasses and cross my arms. "That's me. Still tossing simulation dummies? There are other ways to tell, you know?" And now he probably will quote some one, you wanna bet? See I blend in perfectly! 3 hours in Vegas and I already start making bets.

"How? Computer simulation? No thanks. I'm a scientist I like to see it. Newton dropped the apple, I drop dummies." Told you so!

"You're old school." I say.

"Exactly. And this guy was pushed."

It's always great to see him, but I am here for an investigation. Not a nice one but some one has to do it. I think about the girl again. She looked scared, yes… the face on that photo looked scared. She was afraid of the job, afraid of the unknown, I could see it in her eyes. I have a distant look on my face, I know it.

"How's the girl?" I ask. Grissom's face changes. At first he looked happy and relieved, now he looks troubled and scared. He looks away. He presses his lips together. He always does that when he's nervous or hurt.

"She's still in surgery. She's not doing very well." He answers. I look at the floor. I know that when Grissom says not very well, that she probably will die during surgery.

"That's too bad." Is the only reply I can give.

"God, Sara, I have so many unanswered 'why's." he says. I need to be careful now, if Grissom notices that I'm not really objective anymore he might put me back on the first plane to Frisco. So stay calm, Sara, and say the right thing.

"There's only one why that matters now. Why did Warrick Brown leave that scene?".

There is a silence between us. We both know that the outcome of that question could be good or bad, there's no in-between.

"I'll give you a lift back to HQ. " he says. He takes his cell and calls someone.

I look around. I don't get these people. What is the point of cheering and clapping at a crime scene. Maybe they thought it was an extra from the hotel… I don't know. Grissom is next to me and heads to his car. We get in and I start to feel uncomfortable. It's been a long time...

"So you know what you have to do?" he asks.

"Yes, I read the file and I have some questions for your team."

"Good. You know that I want a fast but thorough investigation and when you finish your report just give it to me. I trust you Sara, I know it is in the team's best interest to get you on this case. And I also wanted to say thank you for your help."

"No, I'm the one that should say thank you. It's a great opportunity to work with you again and with the finest team of the country." I wonder why I said that. "You didn't ask me why I didn't call." I say quickly.

"Didn't have to, I would have done the same." He says with a knowing smile.

Of course he would do that, Grissom and phone calls not a good match. During the ride we talked about the case and the things they already found out. A few minutes later we sat in silence again. But this time it was a comfortable silence. I was thinking who I would question first. Well, I think I'd go for the only woman in the team: Catherine Willows…

* * *

**_Let me know what you think of this chapter... Next chapter will be up soon!_**

* * *


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: see chap 1**

**A/N: sorry that it took so long... thanks for the reviews!!! **

* * *

**Chapter 8 **

I looked in a dozen of labs and offices. What a labyrinth! Maybe in the evidence room. That is where I would be, so I'll give it a shot. I open the door and at the table is the redhead I saw earlier today. Wow, she really looks stunning! There is a little smirk on my face. She's working on a laptop. She really has nice hands. She has this aura around her. She actually glows. My heart skips a beat. She hasn't even said a word. I would love to hear her voice.

"Do you know where I can find Catherine Willows?" Please let this be Catherine Willows! I'll quit smoking if she is!

Without looking up, without any emotion she says "She's out in the field."

I stand there completely dumbfounded! Owkay, apparently she doesn't want to talk. I almost turn around and walk out of that room, but instead I look at my notebook. 'Catherine Willows, can be very stubborn, don't walk away from her unless you've got your answers! Otherwise she will always walk over you' Thank you, Gil!

And then out of the blue "Let me guess ... Sara Sidle?" If her eyes were bullets, she would have killed me there for the first time. Her entire attitude screams 'STEP OFF, BITCH!' Well, two can play that game. Although I also have another game in mind that we could play.

"I know who I am. I think you're a little confused." Oooowww, steeeeerrrrriiiiiiikkkkeee one! By the look on her face, I guess she is ready to strangle me with her bare hands. She looks me in the eyes…I'm trying but I can't…I can't read her! Okay, change of plans, body language…NOTHING! This isn't good. I don't trust people I can't read. They make me feel 7 again. I learned when I was younger, for my own good, how to interpret body signals. Eyes really can tell everything, then there is body language and then there is the atmosphere. I need to understand people, I'm not good with them but I need to know how they will react and how they feel. If I don't know that, I built up walls. Not brick layered walls no, reinforced concrete. If that happens it's very difficult to break them down. I won't allow it. I'm not weak, I'm no baby, I…really need to stop thinking that. '_It's over Sar, remember?_' Of course, I never forgot. And then she speaks again.

"If you think you're taking my case ... forget it." Ah well, didn't expect that but hey, expect the unexpected! I look into her eyes again and I would say she's hurt. At least, that's what I think. I'm giving it another try. I need to chance my approach. This woman really is a nice catch for the eye. Maybe she is as insecure as I am. After all, I'm the intruder. I close the door. This could to be fun. But I don't have time for this.

"Look, we can stand here and argue ... or ... we can get out there and find out who did this to Holly Gribbs." Now I have her attention. She tries to look through me. But I can't let her. I need to know first. As I already said: two can play that game. I need to distract her again.

With my most seductive look, I continue. "Two sharp women are better than one." Steeeeerrrrriiiiiikkkkkkee two! Sidle you're on a roll! She looks at the floor. But then her entire body language changes from closed to a bit more open. Maybe she will let her guards down, then I can do the same. I really want to know her. She is a mystery to me, and I am an investigator, I need to solve this puzzle called Catherine Willows.

So, when you want her to do something for you, you have to take her back on her best game: sexuality. I can do that. I really start to like this woman. She considers my words for a second and then she turns and grabs something of the table and holds it up.

"Pager." She says. She takes the pager out of the evidence bag and shows it. "Found at the crime scene."

I walk towards the table. I'm trying to say something but my mind shuts down for a moment. Jeez, this woman knows how to play a game! I look at the table and next to the laptop there is a pager nest. I also worked with a pager nest back in Frisco.

"Where'd you get the pager nest?" I ask.

"Grissom. He won it on e-bay." She replies. What! Grissom who actually uses a computer! Wonders really didn't leave the world!

I bend over and notice that she really looks good in that white top. When I first saw her outside she was wearing a blue top, well, she probably changed. I'm trying to keep my eyes on the monitor. I can not stare at her! What if she sees it! But when it comes to beautiful, attractive, intelligent women…let's say it's one of my flaws. Maybe a quick glance.

"They're great for tracing if you can rely on the suspect's honesty." Good Sidle, really good reply! We are both watching the monitor, waiting for a name to appear.

"Uh ... Desmond Tutu." She sounds surprised. Well, let's enlighten her.

"See what I mean? Don't feel bad. My last four traces came back Eminem" What the hell are you saying??? I even have to laugh at my own stupid remark. _You always have to do this, huh Sidle. Okay, this really is your cue to leave, now say something that doesn't sound like your a 16-year-old who just discovered something incredibly interesting!_ She is watching! Those eyes, I can't resist them, they are demanding but also sweet and gentle and blue. I'm a sucker when it comes down to blue eyes. " ... so ... look, you seem to have everything under control here. Where can I find Warrick Brown?" 'See, even she chuckled with your last remark. Tsss, strike 3 for Willows and you are out Sidle! Before you really embarrass yourself!'

"Try one of the casinos on Blue Diamond Road." I could only nod and stare. '_Oh right, staring wasn't good, quick write that down on your notebook! Now head to the door and get out!_'

"Oh, I'll page you with any information." I turn and see that Catherine holds up the pager. '_No, no, no, I'm still in the game!_' I smirk and nod. I feel a little blush creeping up my face. Well, is it hot in here or what! With an incredibly good feeling I close the door behind me.

* * *

**_Is it good/bad, should I continue or not...let me know :-) Thanks for reading. I'm not going to make any promises for next updates...so don't shoot me if it takes a bit longer than usual... _**

* * *

****


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: see chap 1**

**Gryffindor620 -** **_Well...actually...when you watch season 2 and 3 (except Lady Heather's Box) very closely, in my opinion the animosity between Cath & Sara disappeared almost completely. But in season 4 they really seem to hate each other's guts again sigh. Still figuring out why ;-)...But feel free to disagree...another POV is always welcome :-)  
_**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

****

Next stop: one of the casinos on Blue Diamond road. 'One' of the casinos, I wonder how many casinos there are on that road. After 9 casinos I thought I had seen them all. Next casino, number 10, with the original name: Casino. I look around the street. I don't think people ever sleep here. Which is a good thing. I don't sleep much myself. This really is the city that never sleeps.

I walk inside and look around. I see some slots, a wheel of fortune, some gamblers who desperately try to win their money back. Chips, coins and the rambling sound of money, that's all I hear. Every casino is the same. Also the smell: there's alcohol, cigarettes, sweat, perfume and food. So when you come to a casino you can get drunk for free, instant lung cancer, a complete workout, a nice smell if you are lucky and indigestion. How can anyone spend 24 hours in a casino. I'm here for 10 minutes and I hate it already. My eyes rest on the blackjack table. At the blackjack table sits a man, about 6'3", wearing a t-shirt and sports pants. This is strange. Normally when people go to a casino they dress up. He _must_ be a local. Grissom mentioned once that Warrick is a local. It looks like he really knows what he is doing. I take my file and search for his picture again. Yes, at that table sits Warrick Brown.

The dealer asks "You're up 11 G's. Hit or stay?"

11 G's? Now he knows how to play. I wonder why he needs the money. Is it just for fun or to replace the guilt he is feeling for leaving Holly at the scene? Leaving a rookie behind! I know I was left alone at a scene a couple of times. But there was always a cop waiting outside. Where did that cop go? But still one question keeps on lingering in my mind: why did he leave one of our own alone. She was so fragile. I could tell from the photo's. She wouldn't stand a chance. She knew she was death before she could do a thing. And that is all his fault! I blame him for that. I walk up to him.

"Stay. I want to talk to you." He glances up at me and then looks away again. He looks away! Guilty already! I don't feel pity. But as Grissom would say: 'Follow the evidence.'. I can't pick sides. I should hear him out and then make my final report. We decide to go to the coffee shop down the street. It's not cozy, but for this talk we don't need cozy. It's strange to question our own, it's like stabbing them in the back. But I want to know why? We all need to know why. And I hope that he is honest enough to tell me the truth. We sit down at the bar and order coffee.

"You were playing $100 on every spot. You have a system?"I ask. Hey, maybe I can learn something, okay. It is also a tactical move. If he feels comfortable he might talk. He's all tensed now, I feel it. Yet his body language tells me that he doesn't care and pretends that he is not afraid. He looks at me. I look into his green eyes. I look behind the deep green. I can see it. Deep down inside he feels like a little boy who is ready for a lecture. He's scared to death that because of him Holly dies. I look deeper in his soul. He's afraid that I will reveal a secret!

"I'm counting cards." Is his reply. He's honest about that. That's a step forward.

"Isn't that illegal?" I can't help but smile. It's a sarcastic smile. A man who works for law enforcement breaking the rules. He really knows a lot about gambling. After all, he is a local.

"Not if you do the math in your head." I look at him intently. He shuts down and raises his walls. He doesn't like my stare. He shifts uncomfortable in his chair. I have to intervene before he shuts down entirely. I'm this close to let him talk, I can't lose him now.

"You play anything else?" He contemplates his answer for a second. Come on man, just confess! I feel like a priest in church. I know that he plays more than just cards.

"I bet sports from time to time." Good guy. Now cut the crap and come to the point. I've played a nice girl long enough.

"So ... let me get this straight." I'm looking in my bag for my notebook. The unofficial talk is over. I continue, " You were assigned by Brass to shadow a trainee, a robbery comes up on M.L.K, and you go for coffee." I could've been understanding if he went to another crime scene, but no he went for a damn coffee! This isn't right. This is so wrong. He takes a sip of his coffee.

"An officer was there." Not really a torrent flood of words. His voice has changed. Not so steady anymore. I have to dig deeper.

"So, you felt safe to leave? Do you know the policies and procedures for clearing a scene?" I say. As a CSI you need to know this. But maybe the robbery was more important.

"Yes" It is barely audible. He knows he made a mistake. That he really fucked up. And by looking at his body language I can tell that he really feels guilty for what happened. I can't take this into consideration. I have to be neutral, remember.

"Then, why'd you leave? I mean, what was so important that you had to rush out of there?" He is going to lie, he doesn't even look at me. Why lie now? Don't make it even worse.

"I told you. I went for coffee." That pisses me off! My blood starts to boil! How can he stay this calm. One of his colleagues was shot. If I ever have to work with him, I'd better watch my back, I know that for sure. I explode inwardly.

"Was that before or after you made your bets? Sunday ... Vegas ... NFL football ... guy like you ... come on, you trying to tell me that you didn't make a little pit stop?" He just sits there, he looks lost. "Look at me. Did you log on ... tell dispatch where you were going?"

Yep, that was the trigger, now he was starting to get angry. When I'm really pissed I use a sarcastic undertone. I always do. My mother hates that because my brother started to do the same when we were younger. And I know from experience, this tone can make two stones start to fight.

"Do you know how many times I've been left alone at a crime scene when I was a rookie?" He spits. It's not only anger but also sorrow. I need to tell him what he has done.

"Yeah, well, this time is different." He's defeated. He gives up. I won. And I have to tell him some more bad news.

"Yeah, why's that?" He rubs his face. _I'm sorry that you're hearing it like this, but I have to_.

"Holly Gribbs died on the operating table twenty minutes ago." He looks at me in shock. I see the pain in his eyes, the sorrow, he really cared for her. I on the other hand could only stare. I never knew the girl but by the look on his face, I could've started to cry. And for a moment, time stood still. He gets up and looks around. He searches in his head for a logical explanation but there is none. I know I have to be neutral, but I can't do this anymore. I will write that report, I will be objective but I sympathize with him. I ask him if he needs a lift.

"No, I just need to be alone and clear my head." And with that he was gone.

* * *

I drove back to HQ. I walk straight to the break room. I have to say this lab isn't the labyrinth I first thought it was. I pass by the windows of the break room and in that room is my _mystery_.

The break room is very bright. Even brighter than the rest of the lab. In the room is a large table and around that table are chairs. Against the far wall is a mini-kitchen. Everything is white. It reminds me of a hospital, and I don't like hospitals. The table is in front of that little kitchen. On the other side we have a sofa and a TV and that's it.

When I walk in a guy that I don't know says hi, I just nod. Catherine is leaning against the counter, her hands rubbing her temple. From the look on her face I can tell that she already heard about Holly. I walk towards her. I want to give her a hug but instead I ask "Mind if I get a soda?" 

Catherine looks puzzled. I point at the refrigerator behind her. She's far gone, I can tell you that. It looks like she is ready to go home. Her purse is on the table, she is wearing her jacket. "Oh, yeah sorry" and she moves away.

She walks towards the table. It's not the right time to say this but she really has a nice ass. I open the refrigerator and take a soda. I'm always polite so I ask "You want one?"

She really doesn't look good. Her eyes are watery and they're blood red. She was crying. Now I really want to comfort her, but something in me tells me that it isn't such a good idea. I'm practically a stranger. You don't want hugs from strangers.

"Is there anything in it with alcohol?" she asks. She must be really off now. We're still on the clock. But if there was anything with alcohol in it, I would have offered her.

"Root beer." I say.

"No." Was the simple reply.

She turns away from me. Did I say something wrong? She walks over to the bulletin board and stares at it. I want to know how she feels, what is wrong, what is on her mind. She looks so lost. I open the can and at that moment a pager goes off. We both check our pagers but it's neither of ours.

Catherine heads for the table and grabs the bagged pager. She checks it. Her beautiful blue eyes grow wide. I love those eyes. They are like an ocean, clear blue. And the slightest bit of grey. It reminds me of a misty morning. You're with your boat on the sea and you can't look further than 4 feet because of the fog. I want to drown in that see…

"Oh…God." She says. She searches for her cell and dials the number. What is she doing? Did she lose her mind! She's actually going to call that number. She has the guts to do that? She's amazing.

I smile, "What are you going to say? Hi, I'm a Criminalist. I was in the neighborhood ... " She cuts me off! She's right, not a good time for babbling.

"Shh, it's ringing!"

She's shushing me??? I'm waiting for what's next. I really wonder what she is going to tell the person on the other end of the phone. She puts the phone on speaker. A guy picks up the phone.

"_Hello_."

She didn't expect that. She doesn't hesitate for a second.

"Uh, hey." Good icebreaker, Cath! Did I just said Cath?? Something is definitely wrong with me.

"_Who's this? I just dialed my own damn beeper_."

"Uh-uh. It's my beeper now. I found it." Wow this is weird. She's talking street! I should give her my mom's number. Maybe they can act together. I walk around the table and sit on the chair across Catherine.

"_It ain't your beeper, girl. It's mine_." I listen intently to Catherine. I'm almost in awe. Maybe she has a split personality. She's totally into her role. Not only her voice is different but also her body language.

That reminds me of something. She must have been a great stripper. If she walked up the stage I bet every head in the club would turn to see her. If she would still strip, I would be on the front road. Just to see a bit of her nice… "_I do a lot of business on that beeper_." Well formed, slim but muscular body! _'Oh my! Sidle pay attention!'_ Okay, no problem, nice skin and…_'No not at her! To the conversation smartass!'  
_

"What kind of business?" she says in her sweetest voice.

"_You know -- slinging a little something-something_." Something what? It's like he is talking Chinese or something.

"Oh, a little something-something. Or maybe a little bling-bling?" She actually knows what he is talking about! I need to learn this language…otherwise I can't interact with the people here. She has this devilish look in her eyes and a little smile. And now, she looks at me again. I think my jaw dropped to the floor. I need a drink! Wait, I have a drink. I could barely suppress a chuckle.

"_So what you know about some bling-bling_?" Oh she's so busted! Right now, I really do hope that she knows what she is talking about.

"Well, invite me over to your crib, baby and you might find out." You know, she starts to scare me. How does she do that? She can just wind everyone round her finger. He is lost. He will give in. Hey and if he doesn't give in…I'm available.

"_It's on. Three Aces Motel, Room 202_." Damn! He gives in. I grab my notebook and a pen and write down the address. From the corner of my eye I see Catherine almost bounces out of her chair of excitement. You can compare it to a kid that gets candy.

"Three Aces Motel, Room 202." She sighs almost expectantly. And the Oscar goes toooo….

"See you soon." She hangs up and turns to me.

"Did I just do that?" I'm still confused. I can't produce a single word. I can't even think right now. I'm dumbfounded.

When my mind starts to work again I only have one question: "What's a bling-bling?" I ask her and smile.

She thinks for a moment and answers "Got me." I get up and throw my can in the bin. So I don't need to learn a new language after all.

"I call Brass and go to the Three Aces." She says and adds "You wanna see some bling–bling?"

I laugh. '_As long it's bling – bling with you…_' I wanted to tell her, but instead I say "Yeah."

* * *

**Thanks for reading...as for the updates: still no promises ;-)**

* * *


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: see chap 1.**

**Tessj: _You're very lucky that you're my sis-in-law, otherwise you would be in BIG trouble...;-)_**

**Thanks for the reviews, hope you like this chap.**

* * *

**Chapter 10 **

We are standing in front of the Three Aces Motel. There are 3 cars and one bike in the parking lot. The forefront of the motel is built in Mexican style. It has a salmon–pinkish color and the roof is blue. What's with the colors here in Vegas? Are all the contractors colorblind? It isn't one of the finer motels of Vegas, the price of a room gives the quality pretty much away.

Catherine introduces me to Captain Jim Brass. Former supervisor of the Graveyard shift. Now demoted back to homicide. That must be like stepping back in time. So the man that I saw the other day in front of HQ finally has a name. He wishes me good luck and welcomes me on the team. Maybe Catherine could learn something from this man.

"So it's room 202?" He asks. He is all business again.

"Yup" Catherine says. "I can't wait to see his face when he finds out that he is tricked by the police." She adds.

I see a little twinkle in her eyes. Brass takes out his radio and asks the officer on the hallway if everyone is ready.

"We are ready to burst into that room, it's your call" The officer says.

Brass walks towards the motel stairs. We follow Brass. He arrives at the room and nods. The officers kick the door in. I hear noises. An officer yells: "Put your hands behind your back!"

That is Catherine's line to step into the room. Another officer says: "Get him down!"

I hear some stumbling and then Catherine's voice again. "Now that's a bling-bling."

The suspect answers "That was you on the phone?"

"Yep." Came Catherine's short answer. I can imagine the look on her face. And again that twinkle in her eyes. I smile.

"Where'd you get that scratch?" She says. That is my line to step into the room. I have to see him.

"For a conviction, we're going to need a DNA sample." I say. Our suspect is a black guy, about 5'9", and is wearing nothing but a pair of leopard drawers. How ridiculous!

"Okay, let's sit him down. Let's get a saliva sample." Brass says.

Catherine takes out her radio and says with a big smile: "Hey, guys, it's Catherine. For whoever is listening we got him. Repeat. Holly Gribbs' suspect is in custody."

Catherine takes the sample and we go back to the car. It looks like a heavy weight was lifted of her shoulders.

We head back to HQ. Catherine says that she's going to Holly for the DNA sample. She drops me off at HQ and then she heads to the hospital morgue. I walk to the break room and start on my report.

An hour or two later Catherine enters the break room. She just dropped off the DNA sample from Holly. She sits next to me and grabs the paper.

"Nicorette?" I offer.

"No thanks, got my own." And then she actually shows me the gum in her mouth.

A door opens and I hear a voice. I turn to see the face of that voice.

"Willows, your DNA results are back." A guy, I think 27 years old calls out for Catherine. She jumps of her chair and rushes into the lab. I get up and follow her. This guy really wears an ugly shirt! He has this boyish features that you love to hate but you can't. I have to say, for some reason, I like him. "Well, according to my DNA data the types are 814 quadrillion to one that your suspect is our killer." I have a closer look at his badge. Ah yes. So this is Greg Sanders, the lab rat.

"Pretty good stats! Whoo!" I'm sorry, I had to say that.

"Yeah, considering there's only about six billion people in the world ... ah, thanks." Catherine says.

She looks at the results and shakes her head. Yeah, we really narrowed it down! Good job. Yaaaay to us.

"She gave me just enough ... just enough to catch him." She looks at me and then back to Greg.

After a few moments I say " Nice work Catherine." She looks at me and shrugs.

Later that day we all got paged. Brass told us that they would bring the suspect to jail. And that he would personally take care of it. There he waited for his trial. We all went outside, to the parking lot. We all wanted to see the jerk that so abruptly ended a promising life. I'm standing next to Grissom. I tell him that I finished my prelim and that I put it on his desk.

He asked me whether or not I would like to stay. He says that I needed to stay and that he would do whatever it took to keep me.

"You know, Griss, I'd really love to. But I do have a problem. I didn't find the time to search for a proper apartment. Do you know any good hotels?" Maybe a stupid question because Las Vegas has more hotels than any other city.

"Don't worry about that, Sar, you can stay at my place for the time being." I could only look at him. No I'm staring to be more accurate. He just offered me to stay at his place! I don't know why but I find it a bit creepy. I like him and all but it almost looks like he means more then that he is saying.

"No, Griss, I would interfere. I don't think that is a good option." I really do think it isn't a good option. Maybe his bugs live freely in that house…who knows! But on the other hand it's easy and could come in handy. He's a workaholic, I love my job and alcohol so maybe it is a good combination. Okay, okay, I'll admit! Hi everyone, my name is Sara Sidle and I'm a workaholic. There, better now! Grissom's voice brought me back to the question.

"Who would you interfere? This is just a friend helping a friend. Besides it's big enough for the two of us." He says.

But why does it feel this awkward? Oh I think because he said 'us'.

He goes on "And it would save you a lot of dollars."

He has a point there. It could take days to find a good place. Maybe I should take his offer. When it comes to finding a place I have to say that I'm not that easy. I have some standards. For instance: it has to be bright, there must be a large bedroom and a big kitchen. My place really must be 'my place' that means there has to be enough room for all my stuff (books, CD's, photo's and so on). If I can find such a place I would be really happy. And I would be even happier if it's not too pricey.

"You're right, Griss, I'll take you on your offer. Thanks." He looks surprised that I actually agreed. I actually surprised myself. I don't have a place to stay, I have some money in the bank, but not that much that I can stay in a motel or a hotel for some weeks. It's for the best to stay with him…right?

* * *

**_Thanks for reading...Now, is it for the best?...We'll see in next chapter :-)_**

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: see chap 1**

**Tessj: _Well, thanks for the kind review this time...See it isn't that bad to be nice ;-) And if you're a good girl and review & be nice again, i'll give you a cookie! ;-)  
_**

**kaGSR: _Thanks for the review! I think I have updated pretty fast, so you can carry on with the reading...Yaaaay for me :-)_ **

**Gryffindor620: _Yeah, denial is the best!!! It's my POV of Sara & Grissoms 'relationship'...still can't see why people put them together...the thought alone is a bit creepy :-)_**

**Chimp1984: _Who knows...evil me!...So quick, read the next chapter and find out:-)_**

* * *

**Chapter 11**

From that day on I worked and lived in Vegas. I stayed with Grissom until I found my own place, living with him provided me a lot of knowledge about him that not many people, if any, know.

Like, when Grissom comes home he changes into something comfortable to wear, mostly a Hawaiian shirt and a short. He likes gardening and spends quite some time in his garden, he inherited that from his father I think. Also his garden is like heaven for all sorts of insects… He doesn't watch TV, I don't know if he even has one. Grissom is not the emotional cripple most people believe him to be, he's just a very closed off person. He was very young when he lost his father, he lived with his mother who's deaf so he's used of silence and he likes it. They didn't talk, off course they communicated, but it's like he never learned how to talk about anything, even now he still communicates without saying a word. He is a very different person outside work, it's like there are two Grissoms.

At home he is a very relaxed and easy-going person, he's very considerate and caring, he is even funny. He jokes around a lot. And I enjoy my time with him. He's not really a workaholic but he doesn't have someone to be home for so he divides his time between the things he enjoys the most, his work and his hobbies. When I stayed with him, he worked less because he had someone to spend time with. We had dinner together, he showed me around, we went to the movies, we even went to bars. Grissom is quite the dancer actually.

Staying in Vegas also meant, becoming a part of a great team. I worked hard, like I always did and the guys were very welcome towards me although I was an intruder at first. Except for Catherine she still saw me as an intruder I guess, but I didn't let her get to me. I learned something new about my colleagues every day and I learned something new about the job too. Speaking of my colleagues, I have a different kind of relationship with each of them…

Nick is as old as me and therefore he became a bit of a brother for me, we joke around, got each other's back, … But as most brothers and sisters we have our differences and sometimes they lead to arguments, which are made up pretty quickly. He is kind of 'the old reliable' for me, he can mostly tell how I feel or when I hide the truth or part of it.

Warrick and I started off on the wrong foot, I was the one who had to investigate him and that wasn't easy for both of us. Eventually we learned to see past that and became friends, we sometimes go to bars and have a drink and try to hook each other up with someone, we make bets about it. It's fun.

Greg, my favorite lab tech… At first he was madly in love with me, but then again he's always madly in love with anyone that wears a skirt or so to speak. He kept asking me out and I kept turning him down. It was almost as if he enjoyed that. He became the baby brother I never had, we are pretty close and I will always watch out for him. We like to goof around, upsetting other lab techs.

My relationship with Catherine and Grissom is a bit harder to describe…maybe I'll deal with them later.

There wasn't much difference between working cases in Vegas and in Frisco, only one… every day I went home alone. In Frisco I had my mother, brother and friends to talk to, but that's different now. I haven't been here long and working nights makes it very difficult to make new friends outside the lab. Eventually I stopped trying… Some cases were very hard for me, like the one where an entire family was murdered, not by a deranged person, no, I could live with that but it appeared to be the daughter who had done it because she had been abused for years, her father even made her pregnant and was now abusing her daughter.

Also the Kaye Shelton case got to me badly, she was abused and murdered by her husband. Those cases always get to me, they remind me even more of my childhood and they make me angry. Angry in a lot of ways, I'm angry because these crimes happen, I'm angry because some men are real jerks and I'm angry because I let it happen to me… I know I couldn't have done a thing about it, but it still makes me angry every time I see a girl or woman who was treated like that, like me. For a second I blame myself, stupid I know but that's just how it is. It is hard to explain what goes on in my head at those times.

When we had a case about a raped and beaten woman who survived but was in a coma, I got too personally involved, I really went off the deep end. Grissom was very concerned and talked to me about diversions. He was right, since I lived in Vegas I didn't do much more than working, day and night or is it night and day in my case… I slept very little, I read even more forensic books, listened to my scanner, … I decided to do something about it, so I called Lise.

"Hi, it's Sara…Sidle. You told me to call you when I needed a good time." I hear a chuckle and I can _**hear**_ the grin she has on her face.

"That's right… So what about we meet in an hour." She gives me the address for the place.

"Okay, see you." With that I hang up and go to my bedroom, I throw some clothes on my bed and decide what I'm going to wear. I settle for a faded jeans and a light blue blouse. I take a long shower and get dressed. I walk into my kitchen and make myself a nice cup of tea, I take the newspaper and read it until it's time to head out.

I find the place without much trouble and park my car. I have never been here, it's actually a lot different from the part of Vegas I usually see. For a moment I thought I wasn't in Vegas at all. It's very peaceful here, there are a lot of trees, almost no traffic, almost no noise. I walk towards the bench where Lise is waiting for me. As I come closer, her smile grows wider.

"Hi, it's beautiful here…" I'm actually a bit nervous and can't come up with anything else. Lise doesn't notice I'm nervous or she chooses to ignore it.

"Yeah, I know, this is my special getaway-from-everything-place. I thought you could do with the peacefulness now." Wow, I'm speechless, except for the occasional talk at work we haven't spend time together but she realized from the moment I called that I needed to get away.

We go for a walk and have some small talk. It's very relaxing and I enjoy every minute of it. A couple of hours later Lise asks me if I would like to eat something and takes me to a diner nothing like the ones I use to go to with the guys. This one is rather small, cozy actually… the lights are dimmed and in the background plays soft instrumental music. We walk to a booth and Lise slides in next to me. A waitress takes our order and brings our drinks, we both decided to have the house wine.

"So I take it I'm not the first woman you dated." It's more a statement than a question.

"Since when did this become a date…" I tease evadingly.

"Since I answered the phone. Going for a walk, having dinner in a romantic restaurant, who knows where we end up next, how would you describe it then?" She smirks and I can't help but agree. She definitely has a point.

The waiter puts our food in front of us and we eat in silence. The food is really good, I didn't realize how hungry I was. I have to fight the urge to attack my plate and eat at a speed record. Being on a date I don't think that's a good idea. When we have finished, I sip from the excellent wine and say "No, you're not."

It takes her a moment to know what I'm talking about, but realization dawns on her face and she smirks again. She's actually very sexy when she smirks. Okay, where did that come from maybe I should cut the wine. "But it's been a while since I dated." I go on. "I take it I'm not your first either."

"Nope…actually you are in a way."

I look at her confused, how can you be the first in a way. In what way??? She smiles at my confusion and explains herself. "Well, you're the first one to blush like crazy every 5 minutes or so… Not that I mind, you're VERY cute like that."

I didn't know I was blushing before, but now I feel my face burn and I know I must have turned at least a couple shades of red just then. And there's that smirk again… Well two can play this game.

"Really…you are VERY sexy when you smirk like that." The smirk fades instantly and now it's her turn to blush. "And you're quite cute too when you blush." Sidle – Lise: 2 – 1

We continue to flirt some more, I realize just now how much I have missed this. Dining, flirting, having a good time with a gorgeous, sexy, funny woman. I forget the bad cases even if it's just for now. "You up for some action." She asks wiggling her eyebrows, my jaw drops to the floor.

She realizes how that must have sounded

"I mean, you wanna go dancing."

I agree so she takes me to this bar, Kil'M, which must be very good considering the amount of people queuing in front of the door. I have never been in this neighborhood which is good considering my job.

We don't have much trouble to get in, because Lise knows the bouncer. Inside it's dark, the only light is provided by some lasers. We head to the dance floor and let the music take control over our bodies. It took all of my control… because I find myself dancing rather close to Lise.

Damn she has a sexy body. I know I'm staring at her and I don't care if she sees it. She makes me feel so good, this evening is perfect. I should have called her weeks ago. She moves even closer to me and our eyes lock, she bites her bottom lip as if she's not sure on how to continue. I smirk and start to dance with her, everything and everyone fades away, there's only us and the music. Our bodies dance perfectly together. It's almost like they dance a dance of their own.

Two hours later we arrive at my apartment, I drank too much to be able to drive so Lise decided to drive me home. She stops the car and looks at me, she says goodbye and I regret that our date has come to an end already. "See you tomorrow, thanks for the nice date."

I lean in to kiss her cheek but stop inches from her face and look into her eyes then I drop my gaze on her lips, she bites her bottom lip again. I feel a warmth spread through my body and close the distance between us, my lips crush against hers, it's not a sweet kiss but a hungry one. My hands move on their own accord, they slip underneath her shirt and cup her breasts.

Damn, I have longed for this without knowing it until now.

One of her hands tangles in my hair and grips it, a low moan escapes my throat. Her other hand finds its way under my shirt as well. Our kiss deepens and things heat up more.

I pull back, open my eyes and say "Bed…we really need a bed."

Lise agrees and we make our way to my apartment. Immediately after I closed my door, she rips my shirt and kisses my neck. She tosses the ravished piece of cloth away and unclasps my bra. She grips my breasts still attacking my neck. I'm undoing her shirt and bra while we keep moving to my bedroom. When we stand in front of my bed, she flings me on it and removes her remaining clothing. I admire her body for a moment taking my boots off.

I barely have time to toss the last one away when she pushes me down, straddling my hips. My hands move up her body, but she grips my wrists rather forcefully and pins them to the bed. Her face is inches away from mine, she looks into my eyes seeking approval to go on and then she kisses me, she traces my lips with her tongue and I open my mouth slightly, feeling her tongue slide past my lips.

She moves my arms so she can hold them with one hand, while her now free hand moves from my neck to my shoulder and then to my breasts not really touching me. I feel a shiver run through my body. She pinches my nipples and rolls them between her thumb and forefinger then she moves her hand over my stomach.

She quickly opens my jeans, sliding her hand in discovering just how wet I am. She gives me a smug smile and slides one finger in me, shortly followed by a second one. I lose all sense of where I am, the movement of her hand makes my head spin. My moans become louder and I'm having my first orgasm. It washes all my bad thoughts and feelings from the past months away and I feel alive again.

I remove my pants and focus all my attention on Lise. We continue to have rather rough sex for a couple of hours and I know my body and neck are going to show marks and bruises from our session in the morning. When we are more than satisfied and completely exhausted we fall asleep. God, it feels good to have someone to sleep with.

Lise and I never had a relationship or not a conventional one anyway. We went out several times afterwards and had loads of fun, sometimes we ended up in bed again. She was good for me, a good diversion. The guys and mostly Grissom stopped badgering me about getting a live for a while and I was happy.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading...did I ever mention there is a blue-ish button on your left, begging to be clicked ??? LOL...Next chapter will be up soon.**_

* * *


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: See chapter 1. **

**A/N: Before I forget to mention, there are some spoilers of seasons 2&3. Thanks for the reviews!!!**

**Chimp1984: _Patience is a virtue...:-)_**

* * *

**Chapter 12**

One day I started to burry myself in work once more and the contact with Lise diminished. Not that she held it against me or blamed me, no she understood that my work was very important to me. I worked so much that I became addicted to work again, I pulled doubles and triples neglecting the effect it had on my health and my mood.

In the beginning I could get away with it, nobody complained or badgered me, but after a couple of months they started to notice yet again. I became dark Sara: workaholic, take out on speed dial, no diversions, almost no sleep, moody, haunted by her very own demons… I could go on for a while but I think this covers it well enough.

Nick thought I could do with some human contact and tried to hook me up with friends of him, he always told me I needed a diversion and even though it was nice of him I wasn't interested in his friends. I could have told him I was gay, but I decided against it, I'm not sure what made me holdback but I don't like talking about myself and I knew that he would ask me a lot of questions I wasn't ready to answer. Eventually he would tell someone and then the whole lab would know, I'm not ashamed of who I am, but I hate it when people start to use labels, plus there are probably some people working in the lab who aren't sympathetic towards homosexuality, maybe one day he would realize it without actually telling him.

Not so much luck, he kept on giving me numbers of his _male_ friends and telling me I should go out more. I was sick and tired of it and I decided I would take him up on his offer, what harm would it do to just have a good time with someone. Nick and I were assigned to the same case, we had a decomp in the dessert, I'll never forget the smell. After shift I would tell him I wanted to "date" one of his friends, but then I met Hank… He seemed a nice enough guy, maybe if I became friends with him everybody would stop nagging me about getting a life…

Maybe now is a good time to tell something about my "relationship" with Catherine first. As I said before she was hostile towards me in the beginning and although I was mesmerized by this stunning woman, I didn't trust her. Maybe it was her unreceptive attitude or the fact I couldn't read her or because she seemed to really hate my guts or maybe a combination of those things, I don't know.

But it was hard for me to be in the same room with her, part of me wanted to become friends with her but another part told me it was best to keep her at a safe distance. She became an enigma for me, in order to know what kind of person she really was, I initiated a little investigation called _Who is Catherine Willows._

When she was working, I watched her intensely and I started to notice a lot of things, for instance she talks about the victims using their name, when she's on a case she tries everything in her power to find out what happened letting not one thing distract her, the cases that get to her the most are the ones which involve children, although she acts like no one can intimidate her and she on top of everything she's a little insecure when it comes to her personal life, when she has worked a hard case only one thing helps her to put it aside: sex, she uses her sexuality when she wants to get information from anybody involved in the case, and she's a great mother.

It's not easy on her, being a single mom working nights but she tries to give her daughter the best and she really loves her little one. I learned a lot about her just by watching, okay I admit it might sound a bit freaky I know so much about her, it's almost like I'm stalking her but that's not what I'm doing.

When she thinks nobody sees her, she lets down her guard making me able to get to know the real her. I basically became an admirer, because she's a really great person. I tried to avoid her as much as possible to give her time to get used to me and it worked, she became friendlier with every passing month. We worked perfectly together, our minds thought as one. We collected the evidence, discussed COD with Doc Robbins, divided the things that needed to be processed without argument and talked about our findings. We even completed each other's sentences when we were recreating the scene verbally. I liked working with her, she's so passionate about solving the puzzle. She gets this sparkle in her eyes which make the blue come out even more. That doesn't mean we didn't have any arguments anymore… I don't know why, but it seems we are incapable of discussing something without getting on each other's nerves. She always knows how to push my buttons and I know exactly how to infuriate her. And although she hurt me more than once, I enjoy our heated conversations too much. _You're sick, Sidle._ But… we work together as a team.

When we worked the homicide of a six-year-old girl in the Tunnel of Love at a travelling carnival, I understood how much cases with (dead) children got to Catherine. Catherine didn't wait for Grissom to assign her this case, she picked it herself and she handpicked me to help her. From the moment we arrived at the scene Catherine behaved strangely, she almost slapped the assistant coroner because he didn't use a new body bag, then she almost harassed the witnesses/suspects.

After collecting the evidence and questioning the owners, employees and the mother we headed back to the lab. Catherine, of course was driving. I was afraid she would get us in an accident with the way she was breaking the traffic laws. I wanted to tell her that it was better to let me drive, but I know this was very dangerous seeing the mood she was in. I looked at her, her jaw was clenched, she had a death grip on the steering wheel and she was looking intensely at the road in front of her. I became very nervous but I had to do this.

"Erm…Catherine…I know this case is hard on you and I understand how you are feeling, but I really think it's better if you let me drive."

Her head snapped in my direction and daggers were flying from her eyes. '_Very bad idea indeed.'_ She remained silent, though I thought she was going to attack me. I couldn't look at her, her glare made me scared, for a moment I thought she would slap me. Then she relaxed a bit and sighed, without saying a word she stopped at the curb and got out. I got out too and walked over to the driver's side still not knowing whether I should say something or remain silent. Before we drove off I looked at her again and saw the sad look on her face. I couldn't stay quiet, this case was eating at her.

"So, you want to tell me what you are going through?"

She looked at me and gave me a small smile.

"Thanks for asking, I know when I get like this most people think it's better to leave me alone. I just hate it when children get hurt, they're so small and vulnerable! What's wrong with the world!" she said, the anger clear in her voice.

"Well, I don't know why but some people just hurt children because it makes them feel stronger and better than they are. You see, they lose their way through life, they are incapable of doing anything right and they blame children, even their own. By hurting them they feel superior and it gives them so much power they fool themselves in thinking they aren't losers anymore because they control someone." Catherine just stared at me, blinking. I told her more than I wanted and she must have heard the anger and pain in my voice. I really hoped she wouldn't ask me where that came from.

"I just want justice for the kids, someone has to speak up for them." Whew, she didn't question me. "Sara, would you like to have lunch with me later today?" Did she just say what I think she said? I had to do everything I could not to crash the car. It prevented me from answering her question. "No bad idea, you probably have plans…"

"No Cath, I would love to have lunch with you…"

* * *

Back at the lab Catherine gave the urine sample to Greg and I researched the carnival's background. This was interesting the carnival had violations in eight different states and the owner of the Tunnel of Love is a convicted sex offender. I took the results and went in search of Catherine, she was in Greg's lab, when I told her what I found out she called Brass and we interviewed Thomas Pickens aka Roger Peet, the owner. Catherine thought he yanked the girl out of the car in the dark, I told her we had to support that thought with evidence, she turned and walked away. It was supposed to be our lunch break, so much for lunch with her…

After we went to see doc Robins we went back to the carnival to process the ride and we discovered that the only person who could get the girl out of the car and into the water was the mother herself. We drove to her house and asked to see the clothing she wore, her watch had been wet but her shoes weren't so she held her daughter under long enough to drown. Catherine got even more upset with the mother than with Pickens, she told Brass to arrest her and then she grabbed her purse and walked away, I followed her.

"Hey…are you alright?" I questioned, I was worried about her. She really had a hard time and I wanted to be there for her.

"Yeah." she said unconvincingly.

"Since we skipped lunch, you want to get something to eat? Walk it off?" I offered. I was really glad when she asked me to have lunch with her, it would be great to actually do something with her outside of work, alone. Maybe we would have a chance to talk a bit and actually become good friends.

She nods her head "I got to go home. Thanks. Rain check?"

I knew she was lying, I don't know where she was going but it definitely wasn't home. Why was she lying? What was I thinking…she liked me? It's not because we work well together we are friends, just colleagues and nothing more. The fact she said no didn't bother me much, but the fact she lied really hurt me. I hate it when people lie! Especially when I'm having a hard time trusting them as it is, I knew she was untrustworthy.

"Mm hmm" I didn't know what to say, I wanted to tell her she was a liar. I turned and walked away before she saw how much she had hurt me. She was probably going to one of her boyfriends to have some meaningless sex to let of steam but why didn't she just say so. I was giving this much more thought than it was worth.

* * *

I'm in the break room fixing a coffee, I hear someone enter but I don't bother to look who it is. I had a terrible night and I just need a cup of coffee. The person came closer towards me and I recognized the scent, it's Catherine.

"Hi, I'm glad I found you here. You're on a break?"

I turn around and face her, she lied to me how could she think I had forgotten about that. Then again I never told her I knew she was lying. "Actually I'm just having a coffee. I'm busy processing some evidence." I say coldly. "Why? Feeling bored… so you think let's talk to someone." I glare at her, she's confused, she doesn't know why I was acting like I couldn't care less.

"Well…em…I wanted to ask if you would like to grab something to eat." She's still trying to figure out what she's done wrong.

I snort "Ow, now I'm good enough to go eat something… what everybody else is busy?" What does she think I am! Some objects you can use whenever you need it. I don't give her the chance to respond as I walk out of the break room, just before I exit she pulls me back in. Now I'm really pissed off!

"Sidle, what is your problem? You may be really smart but you don't have _any_ social skills!" she yelled "I was trying to be friendly here, you know because you ARE a FRIEND and you insult me?!"

Oh so now I am her friend, why didn't she tell me before. I snort again before replying "I am your friend…nice! You lie to all your friends, Catherine? Or just to the ones you don't like?" she has that confused look again, she really thinks I am clueless because I live for my job and apparently have no life.

That hurts even more. I don't wait for her responds, I don't care what she has to say. "You don't have to pretend to like me, it's okay. We can just be colleagues and work perfectly well together. But please have the courtesy to tell me the truth." She still looks hurt and I don't know why exactly. "If I ask you to have dinner with me just as friends and you want to be somewhere else more, just TELL ME! Don't say you're going home when the place you go to is anything but _your _home." With that I walk out and go straight to my lab.

I'm processing the evidence again when a knock startles me. Oh no, it's her again. I am still to pissed to talk to her, why didn't she see that! "Look Sara, I'm sorry. I thought it would hurt if I told you I wanted to be somewhere else."

"It's not like I was asking you out and you had to turn me down. I was just asking because I thought it would be a good idea for you to talk to someone, to a friend." I have calmed down a bit, because she is actually telling the truth. The look on her face changes, but she's unreadable again. Something I said made her built up her walls again. _I hate it when she does that!_

"You know what, Sidle, forget it!" _Here we go again. _I don't know what made her change from friendly to bitch in 1 second but here is bitch Catherine again. I sigh, I'm really getting tired of these games. We are supposed to be adults, but we keep acting like frustrated teenagers when we are around each other. I want this bickering to end! Catherine hasn't moved an inch, she's waiting for me to yell back at her, so we can have a really nice fight. But I won't. I have had arguments or differences with every single person who works in this lab, but never have we been verbally harassing each other. When I have a disagreement with Catherine, we always end up yelling at each other. This has to stop! I really want her to like me and be my friend. But every time she tries to get to know me, I push her away because I don't trust her. Or so I keep telling myself. Maybe I should stop searching for excuses…

"You want to have breakfast with me?" I say calmly.

* * *

**_Well...would she say yes or no...hmmmm...what do you think? Sorry for the cliffie ;-) I couldn't resist evil laugh Next chapter will be up soon!!! And that's a promise._**

* * *


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: see chap 1**

**A/N: _I know... I promised to update fast, but apparantly there were some problems with the site. I couldn't upload this new chapter. So I'm sorry but if you want to send death glares...don't look at me :-)_**

**Chimp1984: _I know I want them together too but Sara's life is a bit more complicated...so I just go with the flow. I know, I deserve the poopy daipers..._**

**Gryffindor620: _I hope you like the outcome :-)_**

**kaGSR: _I'm really happy that you like the story. And about those looks...I have to say that here in Belgium most people are okay with it. They start to ask a lot of questions but not because they dislike it, but just because they want to understand. I don't know where you're from, but I think that Belgium and the Netherlands have the least problems with homosexuality. I mean, we can legally get married, it's all official. How many countries can say that...which is too bad. Anyway, I need to stop babbling :-) Enjoy this chapter!_**

* * *

**Chapter 13 **

I think I have never seen her this bewildered before. She expected me to start yelling _screw you's_ or something like it, but I'm asking her to join me for breakfast. She's contemplating whether she should get even more angry or just agree. She's cute not knowing how to handle a situation, she always tries to have the upper hand and mostly she succeeds, but now **I** have it and she doesn't know how to act.

"You're cute when you don't know what to do." I say with a huge smirk on my face.

She blushes and calms down noticeably. "Erm…erm…I…em…we…" she's unable to come up with something.

She's so cute! I can't help but smile. I walk over to where she's standing. I put my hands on her hips and pull her closer to me. She looks up at me. I bring my face closer to hers, our mouths inches away. Her face is now bright red, her eyes darken a bit. I hear the sharp intake of her breath and move even closer, but I don't kiss her, I brush my cheek lightly against hers and whisper in her ear

"Next time expect the unexpected." I smirk and walk away, leaving a very flabbergasted Catherine in my lab.

I walk to the break room again and pour myself another cup of coffee, I pour one for Catherine too. With two hot cups of coffee I enter my lab again, where Catherine is still standing exactly where she was when I left her. As not to startle her more, I cough softly to make my presence known. She turns to me, still blushing a bit. I hand her one of the coffees, she takes it but looks at me suspiciously.

"I know how you like it, cream and artificial sweetener." She smiles and drinks her coffee. "So, are you ready to answer already? Or do you still have problems talking?" I smirk at her again. If I got paid for every time I smirked this couple of minutes I could have made a fortune.

"Okay, but I decide where…" typical, she still wants some of her control on the situation and I'm happy to give it to her.

* * *

Shift ends relatively quick and I find myself waiting in the parking lot for Catherine. She hands me the keys of the car and says she will give me directions. We end up in a diner I haven't been before and I give her a questionable look.

"Well, I didn't want the guys to walk in on us, I just wanted it to be you and me." she realizes what she has said "I mean …so…we can talk without being interrupted." She's nervous, she's fidgeting and looking down at her hands. I roll my eyes, why is she so nervous? Not that I'm complaining because she's actually very adorable like that.

We walk in and take our seats, we order something to eat and drink our coffees. We haven't said anything since we left the car, at first the silence was comfortable but now it's starting to become a little awkward. Catherine was looking everywhere but at me, she kept stirring her coffee with the little spoon. It looked like she was ready to bolt out of the diner before we even talked about anything.

I don't want her to leave just yet, I really like this, I'm watching her hands no I'm admiring her hands. Her hands are small, however her fingers are slender, her nails are short but manicured, she's wearing a ring, not her wedding ring. I would love to touch her hands, I imagine they are soft and warm. _Okay don't go there Sidle, you know how it ends_. I look at her, thankfully she's still to busy watching her own hands otherwise she would have seen me staring at them. We really need to start talking, she's wants to say something, probably coming up with an excuse so she can leave.

"How's Lindsey?" if one thing gets her talking, it's her little princess. I'm genuine interested in how her daughter is doing. I was also right, she relaxes and starts talking about all the things Lindsey has been up to lately. How she's doing at school, what her latest interest in music is, which movies she prefers at the moment, which hobbies she has, …

Our breakfast arrived, we ate it and Catherine kept talking about Lindsey. Then she tells me all about Eddy and how he thinks children should be raised. She also tells me about her and Eddy, the past as well as the present. Then she asks me a couple of questions about my life and my past, some of them I answered others I dodged. Catherine didn't react, she just listened intently.

I look at my watch and realize we have been talking for 2,5 hours. I really have a great time but I have to go home and sleep before I go back to work and I think Catherine needs to do the same because she still has Lindsey to take care off. I inform Catherine that I need to be going. She just nods and sighs, it looks like she doesn't want to go either.

"You should come by one day." I smile and nod.

"Yeah, I should."

I drive Catherine home and ask her if I can pick her up before work, she agrees. When I'm back at my place I have a shower and think about everything that happened today. Catherine really _really_ is a great person. I'm happy that we are finally becoming friends, I like to be around her. She makes me feel … I don't know how to describe what she makes me feel. Happy, warm, light-headed, … Yeah, all of those things and more. Suddenly I realize how tired I am and collapse onto my bed. I drift to sleep almost immediately and I have a wonderful rest.

Only to be woken a couple of hours later bathing in sweat, heart racing fast, breathing rapidly, … OH MY GOD! I did not just have an erotic dream about Catherine, please tell me I didn't. Okay, breathe in slowly and exhale. I close my eyes and try to remember what I dreamt exactly.

_I'm kissing someone, the kiss is deepened and someone's hands are roaming my body under my shirt. My hands are busy undoing someone's shirt. We fall on a bed, naked. I slide a finger inside of her and she's moaning loudly. I'm kissing her neck and breasts. Then I look up at her and see… _OH MY GOD!!!

I only know one person with those beautiful, breathtaking blue eyes. This cannot be happening. She's your friend, you can't dream about friends in that way. _You actually long for her touch, what are you, insane?!__She's straight, or maybe not, but that doesn't matter, she doesn't think about you in that way, be serious!_ I sit there for a couple of minutes not knowing what to do or think.

"I'm attracted to Catherine, I want her…badly." I murmur to no one in particular.

* * *

_Hope you liked it! So about the updates...No more promises...Everytime I make this promise something comes in between. I'll do the best I can, that's better :-)_

* * *


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: see chapter 1**

**A/N: _Sorry for the long wait, I have to do re-examinations so I was studying my ass off... Poor me! LOL!_ **

**Ana: _I'm from Antwerp so if you want to review (hopefully) it doesn't need to be in English ;-)_**

**To all the others: _Thank you for the reviews, you guys rock :-)!!!! Oh, Chimp1984: Thank you for the suggestion, you're right, how would Sara react...I changed the chapter a bit just for you, I hope you like it :-)_**

* * *

**Chapter 14**

I'm wandering through the lab going somewhere… since I woke up after that dream I wasn't able to fall asleep again and with all the hard work from the past days I'm exhausted. I'm actually trying to avoid the break room and the locker room because shift is about to start and I really don't want to face Catherine right now. I don't think I'm going to be able to hide my feelings for her. if I have to, I'll keep on walking through the lab for the entire shift. Grissom will probably think I'm still working on an unsolved case or going over some evidence I haven't figured out yet. I keep my gaze to the floor so I don't have to face anyone, I'm really not in the mood to answer any questions concerning my appearance.

How is this possible, my brain clearly told my legs to go in the other direction but clearly they didn't want to hear it. I find myself standing in front of my locker, I hear voices outside the door telling me Warrick, Nick and Catherine have arrived and are walking towards me. I keep telling my legs to move to hide in one of the shower stalls but again they disobey me. I'm rooted to the spot… _Act calm Sidle, then they won't notice anything._

"Hi Sara." Oh no, she uses her sweet voice to address me. It's different though, it sounds husky. Maybe I'm just imagining this because the last time I heard her voice, she was moaning my name.

"Hi guys." I say, still staring into my locker as if I'm looking for something.

"Sara, is everything alright?" Damn, I didn't do such a good job I didn't even look at her and she already noticed something is up with me.

"I'm fine, honestly."

"Then why do you say guys, when we're the only ones in here?" I don't even have to look at her to know she's smirking.

I feel a heat spreading across my cheeks, I open my mouth to come up with an excuse or a response but I have to close it again. My mind is completely blank, the only thing occupying it are visions of a naked Catherine enjoying what I'm doing to her. To make it worse, she steps closer towards me and she puts her hands on my hips. That simple touch makes my blood race and my breathing becomes erratic, I close my eyes and try to compose myself. She spins me around and forces me to look at her, I open my eyes slowly and lock them with her blue orbs. The same orbs that made me realize who the naked goddess in my dream was, I gasp when a shot of electricity surges through my veins.

Instead of saying anything, she turns around and walks quickly to the door before she exits she says "See you in the break room…" without turning around. I could have sworn I saw her blushing when she heard my sharp intake of breath. But I don't trust my visions or my thoughts about her right now.

* * *

It has been weeks since my little revelation and Catherine and I are still friends. Or it sure looks that way. We had breakfast on regular basis, I went over to her house a couple of times, when she needs someone to talk to, she sometimes comes to me. But I never told her how I felt about her. She didn't even know I am gay and I didn't want her to feel awkward around me knowing I'm attracted to her. It wasn't hard to hide my feelings, I'm used of hiding things about myself, feelings included. I supposed that even if she didn't feel awkward I would be pretty hurt and upset if she would turn me down. It's better not to know what she thinks of me. The important thing was we still worked great together and we were finally becoming friends. I had been thinking a lot about my feelings for her only to realize that I had been attracted to her from the first time I saw her. I just couldn't put a finger on my feelings then, because I was too busy keeping her at a distance.

Like I said, after a year and a half working as a CSI in Vegas, I became dark Sara again and Nick wanted me to go out with his friends. Luckily, or so I thought back then, I met Hank. I was processing liquid man's coat and puking my guts out because of the smell… Suddenly Hank showed up, to ask me out. To be honest I was quite flattered, we had been flirting playfully when CSI picked up the body earlier but I didn't expect him to come to the lab and actually ask me out. Nevertheless I scared him away with the unpleasant odor covering me. After showering with 20 lemons to get rid of the smell, I called Catherine. I told her about the case and Hank, nothing special just that he seemed a nice guy and that he asked me out. I called Catherine quite often when I hadn't seen her much at work, or she called me. We talked for half an hour, before I went to bed. However just before I fell asleep, my cell rang.

"Sidle."

"_Hi Sara, it's me Hank." _I don't know how he got my number, not that it mattered anyway.

"Hi…" Okay he seemed nice, but I don't know him at all so I'm not sure what to say.

"_I hope you're not mad because I rang you but I wanted to apologize for my childlike behavior earlier today."_

"Oh…forget it. The smell was really bad, I understand why you left. Apology accepted." I smile to the phone.

"_I was serious you know, I want to go out with you. Have dinner, maybe go to a movie." _He sounds nervous.

"Great idea, a movie sounds nice."

We talked some more about our jobs and what movies we like. After making arrangements we hung up. Unfortunately work interfered with our plans and I had to cancel them. Well, that's not entirely true, I let work interfere, as dark Sara always did. I came up with excuses to justify why I worked too hard. Mostly it worked, but then we had this case about a woman who didn't leave her house only when it was absolutely necessary.

She worked at home, she ordered everything she needed out of catalogs, she cooked the same way as I did: take-out on speed dial, she had no friends or almost none. Nick told me again to get out more and I realized he was right. I went home and threw all the mail order catalogs and leftovers of take-out away. What am I doing with my life, I have no friends outside the lab, I haven't gone out with any of them anymore lately not even Catherine, it's been months since I have spoken Lise, this is not good. I can't do this to myself. I picked up my phone and called Catherine.

I broke down, she was quite surprised I was this emotional, we might be friends but I don't always show how I really feel and I still don't like to talk about myself not even with her. She convinced me to ask a friend outside work to go out. After we hung up, I called Hank. He really loved to go but he couldn't, we made arrangements for some other time and I promised myself I wouldn't let anything get in the way.

"Hey Sara…" I was on my way to Greg in DNA but apparently someone else needs me.

"Warrick…"

"It's been awhile since we went out and I was wondering…"

I cut him off mid-sentence "Sorry, but I already have plans. It's my night off." His mouth opens and closes, he's very surprised and I can see a bit of relieve in his eyes.

"Anyone we know?" He's fishing, probably the guys have placed bets about whom I was dating or something. They thought they were discrete, but mostly it was common knowledge.

So I told him I was going to the movies with Hank and that we would have dinner first in this diner I knew. He whistled clearly having the wrong impression, I didn't explain to him that Hank was just a friend, he was clearly happy with the illusion that I was romantically involved with someone.

"I would appreciate it if you kept it to yourself." He gives me a knowing smile.

I'm at a diner waiting for Hank, I'm early as usual. After a couple of minutes Hank walks in, he is smiling, he says hi and sits down across of me. We order and discuss which movie we are going to see later. The waitress brings our food, it smells great like always, I have been to this diner before, it's a nice and quiet one. And I don't think the guys know this place so I'm sure we are not going to be disturbed by anyone from work.

"I can't believe you called. I actually got you outside of work." He's beaming.

I can't help but smile. "This is nice." It feels really good to sit here with someone not work-related, also the food is delicious. I've eaten way too much take-out lately.

"I don't normally date women from work but there was…something about you. And it definitely wasn't your perfume."

Oh no, not the odor fiasco again, I laugh and nearly choke, I cough to clear my throat. Clearly he's having the wrong impression too, I really hope we can be friends without him hitting on me. I can handle the flirting, it's playful, it doesn't actually mean something. Right? "I can't believe you brought that up."

Outside the horn of a car sounds loudly, I turn my gaze towards the sound and see a car park on the other side of the road. It's a beautiful car, a Lexus if I'm not mistaken. The owners step out and I have to admit that the driver was even more beautiful than the car. I know her… it's Catherine. What is she doing here? Oh no, of all people, why her? _Great_. I'm shocked from seeing Catherine and begin to stutter "Yeah, that that that, uh, day we met that that was, that was very gross."

I realize I'm still watching Catherine so I shift my gaze back to Hank. _Nice one, Sidle he definitely doesn't know something's up when you behave like a stuttering idiot!_

I continue "Um…I mean, not for me but for everyone else … for you …" As if it wasn't bad enough already, the door to the diner opens and Catherine walks in. I forget instantaneously what I was saying and look at her. She doesn't seem to notice me, how can she not see me. What's this all about, she's back to bitch Catherine???

"Isn't that one of your coworkers?"

"Yeah." If he said something else to me, I didn't hear it. My mind was working overtime and I kept staring at Catherine who was now sitting at the bar with a man I haven't seen before and I doubt he's her type. _What is she doing here with that man and why did she pretend she didn't know me? _Questions continue swirling in my head, but I can't answer them. Hank is trying to get my attention but to no avail. When the waitress brings our desserts, I become aware of the fact that I'm not alone and that I haven't spoken for over ten minutes.

"Where were you, you looked so lost in thought…I tried to get your attention several times…"

"I'm sorry." It's lame, but I don't know him well enough to tell him about my inner turmoil. I quickly and successfully change the topic and we manage to have a nice conversation again. I'm trying to block the thoughts still swirling in my head, I'm doing pretty well until Catherine puts a glass with a bloody finger in front of me without so much as a nod.

"Is that a finger?" I ignore him, get up and walk out hoping to catch up with Catherine to ask her about this. But I'm too late…

"I'm sorry but I have to get this to the lab ASAP." Hank nods knowingly, I throw some bills on the table and leave.

Back at the lab we discovered that Catherine somehow got herself involved in a kidnapping, I also discovered that Warrick had told Nick, who had told Catherine, where I was going for dinner. Initially I was upset because I had specifically asked him not to tell anyone, but I couldn't stay angry for long. This must have been big news 'Sara Sidle dating someone outside work', we all look out for each other, so I guess Warrick just informed the others that I was finally getting a "life".

* * *

Hank and I have been to the movies a **few** times now, afterwards we ate something and we talked . I feel comfortable around him, but I'm not attracted to him. I know he wants more from me, but he's uncertain whether he should go for it or not. I really hate to break his heart, why didn't I just tell him I'm not interested? It's unfair, I know how he feels and I lead him on. I let him believe that we could be more. I'm using him, when realization dawns upon me I feel nauseous. Hank noticed the change in me, he looks concerned "Sara, are you okay?"

"Honestly, no I am not. I have to tell you something, I really like you Hank but…" For a moment he looked very delighted then it dawns upon him I said 'but' so I continue "I'm not interested in you the way you want me to be." He didn't say anything, then he gave me a small smile and said he liked my honesty although I knew it would hurt him. He was taking it better than I anticipated.

I have friends inside and outside of work, I go out with Hank from time to time, I have Catherine, Nick stopped harassing me about going out with his friends, Greg stopped asking me out, basically everything went great, I could have been perfectly happy. As always something has to go wrong and it does… Grissom.

I don't know what's up with him lately but he totally ignores me, I work my ass off, the only thing I want is his appreciation, I truthfully don't know what's got into him. When I first started to work here, I did everything I could to impress him. Once he told me I didn't need to impress him, I stopped doing it. It was stupid, I acted like a six-year-old just to impress him, I became even reckless sometimes.

My second year everything went great, but then he didn't acknowledge me anymore, he avoided me maybe not intentionally but I don't care. He was supposed to be my friend, he was supposed to respect me. But he didn't, he just took me for granted. As if I waited by the phone for his phone call, okay I was glad to be able to have a change but that doesn't mean I did it solely for him. I tried to impress him because it's important for me that the people I respect and admire acknowledged my work. I'm lacking confidence when it comes to my abilities.

When he asked me to get rid of his meat-experiment, I was furious! The entire lab knows I became a vegetarian after the experiment with the pig and the one, I thought knew me best and longest, doesn't! I had had enough, this is just great! If he doesn't want to talk to me, fine! But if he doesn't respect me, problem! I don't want to work for someone who doesn't respect me, what does he think I am! I don't hesitate, I go to the front desk and fill in leave of absence papers and throw them on his desk. Later that shift I pass his office and he wants to discuss it with me, there's nothing to discuss but I walk in anyway.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading...**_

* * *


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: still the same as in chap 1**

**A/N: _Sorry for the wait...re-examinations are no fun at all!!! School is about to begin again, that means that my lovely girlfriend and co-writer and beta has to teach again. And I have to play student for another year so for the updates...from now on it could take a while._ **

_**Also a biiiiigggggg thank you to all the reviewers!!!!! **_

_**Oh yeah, if you were confused by the last chapter, you will be more confused after you read this...so go ahead and throw those diapers :-)**_

* * *

**Chapter 15 **

The following day I went to the lab, essentially to pick up my stuff and leave for good. Lise was working tonight, I smiled at her before heading towards the locker room. She called out to me and she gave me a plant, I raised an eyebrow at her. She merely shrugged, so I took the card. _From Grissom_.

I smiled at the card, I took the plant and put it in my lab, after shift it was going home with me. This coming from Grissom was the same as shouting I love you from the top of your longs to the one you truly love. Talking about I love you's and Grissom in the same sentence maybe isn't the wisest thing to do and it's definitely NOT the best comparison. Nevertheless this was really a nice thing of him to do, he was probably proud with himself knowing he had done a good thing. I could almost see him patting his own shoulder after he placed the order. If it wouldn't have been Grissom, I would have thrown the damn plant away. But this was so sweet, he does respect and acknowledge me. I decided to stay.

Someone had clearly been gossiping because everyone was questioning me about _my boyfriend_. It amused me, everyone thought I had a boyfriend, even Catherine. She didn't like to talk about Hank, she wasn't impressed by him, I know she thought he was a jerk. She never told me that but I could tell by the way she spoke about him. Mostly her voice was dripping with sarcasm or she had this look in her eyes, hard to describe really but clearly stating _I don't like him_. I never asked her about it and she never told me openly.

Hank and I dated some more, we even went to Pahrump Valley Winery. I've always wanted to go there, I heard it was beautiful and that the wine was actually delicious. The problem was I didn't have anybody to go with, I wanted to ask Catherine but I think that would be a little too straight-forward. It's a romantic place and I have to admit I was too afraid to ask her. On my night off I decided to go, I called Lise but she was busy. _Damn, should I ask Catherine… She might say yes, nah she would probably laugh her head off and think this is a joke._ Hank was my next choice, we had bonded over the weeks (or is it months) and I felt comfortable around him. Our dates were always nice and we had fun together. I admit Pahrump lost his romantic meaning if I asked Hank but I did anyway.

We were there walking the grounds, enjoying the delicious wine, we even had a reservation in the restaurant when all of a sudden my cell decided to ring. I could have ignored it, but I know it had to be work and I just couldn't. If I get called on my night off, this can only mean one thing: the lab is short-handed. I was right it was Grissom and he _needed_ me. So much for my night off…

When I arrived at the scene, he acted all strange as if he was mad at me for going out. I really don't get this man, there was a time when I knew him better than anyone in the lab, but then we stopped talking for some reason and he started to act all weird around me. Hence me acting weird around him. Grissom appeared to be jealous this time, I honestly wouldn't know what got into him even if my life depended on it. As usual we didn't really talk about it, I just told him he confused me. Which of course confused him.

Maybe 2 years ago I would have been able to tell what was wrong with him, we had this subtle communication going on between us, he always talked to me if something was bothering him, he showed an interest in me and in my life. But the longer I worked for him, the more distant he became. There is still this thing between us, nobody knows how to explain that exactly, some assume things… Yeah, some people actually believe that I'm in love with him, I won't deny that he's attractive in his own special way but come on…that's Grissom we're talking about. I share a deep 'emotional' and intellectual connection with him, but unless our brains can make love with each other there will never be anything romantic about our connection. Grissom didn't like Hank either. Of course he also didn't know that there wasn't anything going on between us.

I was wrong, it didn't amuse me anymore that people thought I was seeing him. People kept badgering me about him, what is their problem?! Why do they all think they have anything to do with my personal life. These are my friends indeed but that doesn't mean I have to tell them everything, I like to keep my personal life…well personal. Still I never denied it, still I let them all believe I was seeing him. All but one… I told Greg the truth, the whole truth.

* * *

"So…tell me." Greg says eagerly.

"He is not my boyfriend!" for a split second he looks confused, then relieved. "Yes, we date. We go to movies, we have dinner, we go out together but that doesn't mean I'm in love with him or anything, he's just a friend!"

"He's not the one then, looking for someone better, let's say…someone like me?" I should have known he was thinking he got a chance now. I roll my eyes and sigh.

"He's definitely NOT the one and you don't stand a chance either." I sound a bit harsh, but I'm sick and tired of this. I'm somewhat confused when I see that Greg doesn't look hurt, maybe he didn't understand me.

"I kinda figured that out, I just don't have the equipment." He's still smiling widely, he reminds me of a kid that has figured out some big secret and isn't able to keep it to himself. _But he can't know, can he?_ I don't have a reply this time, so he goes on "You, Sara Sidle, are in love with someone else."

This must be the smuggest look on his face he has ever had. My jaw just hits the floor, this cannot be happening, he can't know that I have strong feelings for Catherine, nobody knows… Sometimes I even forget myself, because I'm too busy denying them or telling myself that my feelings are nothing more than wanting to be close friends with her. I just have to know what he knows, maybe he too thinks it's Grissom. For the first time I'm actually delighted that someone thinks I'm in love with Grissom. I collect myself, destined to find out what he knows.

"You think I'm in love with someone else… what made you so sure?" I cross my arms in front of my chest, stating I'm not in the mood for any of his jokes.

"Well, when this person enters the same room you are in, you light up no matter what your previous mood was, it all disappears and you are happy and in a really good mood. If I would ask you what this person was wearing today, you would be able to describe the entire outfit plus extras which nobody probably noticed but you. When this person passes you, you always check this person out thinking nobody is paying attention…" Okay, clearly he knows more than I thought he would, which is actually kind of scary.

"Are you stalking me?!_"_ it's more a statement than a question.

"No I'm not, I notice you. When you started working here, I had this major crush on you, but even then I knew you would never reciprocate my feelings. But that didn't hold me back, you became an enigma for me. And I found out, that when you are alone you let your guard down a bit. I was able to see so many things you normally wouldn't let me see." Greg's face is serious, I'm amazed by his confession. I don't think anyone has ever been this interested in me, the real me that is. People assume all those things about me, certainly when I'm pushing them away, mostly they just lose interest.

"And who is this person I'm in love with according to you?"

He has his smug smile back and without any doubt he says "Catherine Willows."

My jaw hits the floor again, the color from my face vanishes so quickly it's making me dizzy, for a moment it feels like I'm going to faint from the shock his answer just gave me.

"If you ever tell ANYONE, I will kill you and I'll make sure NOBODY will be able to tell what has happened to you, if they are even able to identify you." My voice is low and threatening, he winces but is too afraid to say anything else. I walk out of his lab, confused and angry, I walk in the locker room and slam my fists into a nearby locker. _How could I be so obvious?! If he knows, Catherine will definitely know... I'm just making a fool of myself! Acting like a love crazed teenagers._

* * *

I tried not to think about my conversation with Greg too much anymore. It was hard, but I managed, I'm very proud of myself, because I also managed to act normal around Catherine. That moment in the locker room when my hand met locker number 4 I decided to change tactics, I spent as much time off as possible with Hank. It seemed he was working other hours for a couple of weeks which resulted in us going to the movies and having dinner quite often.

I even invited him to my apartment, which was weird at first because normally not many people, as in almost no one, sees it. I don't like people in my space, especially no one from work, they are all skilled investigators and I know they would try to learn as much as possible about me through my apartment. I'm still trying to figure out which I dislike the most: the fact they learn something about me or the fact they learn it without asking me.

Tonight is one of our movie-nights-at-my-place. I provided us something to eat and drink, Hank is bringing the movie. Everything is set up and Hank is ringing my doorbell, I let him in and we walk over to the couch to see the movie. We are sitting close to each other, his arm is resting on the couch behind my back and I can't resist the urge to put my head on his shoulder, I snuggle up against him and it feels so good. He's startled by my action however he tries hard not to show it, which only makes it more obvious. We stay in the same position for the rest of the movie, I think he's too afraid to move which is funny. _And they all think he's my boyfriend…they should see the look on his face now. _I chuckle and he frowns.

"Just relax, I'm not going to bite…that is unless you deserve it."

"I am relaxed, I'm just not sure this is what you want, normally you're not…em…not this…" he's struggling to find the right words as not to hurt my feelings.

"This touchy." I help him.

"Yeah." He sighs.

"Don't worry, I'm a big girl I _can_ make my own decisions." I smile.

He starts the next movie and we remain in our position only this time he's relaxed. I don't care about the movie, I feel safe in his arms, it feel so good to have someone to hold you, I close my eyes and fall asleep.

* * *

Some time later I wake because I have this stinging pain in my right arm. I open my eyes carefully and take in my surroundings, it takes me a while before I know where I am. TV, coffee table, I'm certainly not in my room, but the TV is mine so I must be on my couch. I become a bit more aware of my environment and realize I'm snuggled up against someone, someone who's breathing evenly and deeply, indicating he is asleep. HE!!! OH MY GOD, I fell asleep in Hank's arms! I jump off the couch as if I'm struck by lightening, this wakes him up too.

He smiles at me "Hey sleepyhead."

"Hey." I say curtly, trying to think off something to do, so I can get away from here. It's not that sleeping with him surprises me, what surprises me more and confuses me to no degree is the fact I slept good, worse… the best I have slept in a long time. _What's happening with me???_ I walk to the kitchen to make coffee, I need coffee maybe then I can think straight about this. Straight being the keyword. _Sidle, stop this! You were tired, you fell asleep in his arms, slept fine nothing abnormal about that. He's your friend._

I get two cups of coffee and walk back to the couch, a bit calmer. "Can we talk about this?" I say indicating him and me.

"Sure." He says understandingly, he sits up and takes one of the offered coffees.

"I don't want to feel awkward around you, I like this thing we're having, I like being your friend. Sleeping with you, I mean in your arms was nice and that confuses me. I normally don't let people get this close when …" _when what? _I trail off.

Hank smiles "Sara, it's okay, you were tired and you were lying good, so you fell asleep, no biggie." He was right, there is nothing wrong or strange about two friends falling asleep together. _Right?_

* * *

**_I know...What am I doing!!! But as I already said: I just go with the flow. You can yell now :-) Thanks for reading. And yes, this will remain a Catherine/Sara fic._**

* * *


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: see chap 1**

**A/N: _Sorry for the wait. Work and school...it's not always easy. So I hope you can forgive me ... (pout)_**

_**Thanks for the reviews!!! Hopefully next chapter will be ready soon.**_

* * *

**Chapter 16 **

I'm maxed out on overtime again, no surprise really but this sucks! I can't go out in the field and I have already finished all of my paperwork. I could have stayed home, but my apartment is clean so I don't see why I would want to be there. After the sleeping fiasco things between Hank and me were normal again, but lately thanks to my job we haven't spent much time together.

I go to Greg, maybe he needs some help. He is reading a magazine, guess he has a slow night too. I have seen Grissom but he was so lost in his … God knows what he was doing, so I decided not to disturb him. I don't think he would appreciate it and I already know what he was going to say. _'Sorry Sara, but you know the rules, you can't go out in the field!'_

I walk through the lab hoping somebody needs help, Warrick and Nick are working a case together so they don't need me. Maybe…oh yes, please make my night…Catherine needs me or can help me. I saw her in one of the labs working on some evidence. I walk straight to said lab and clear my throat to announce my presence.

"Can you help me out?"

Catherine looks up confused, of course she doesn't know what I'm talking about, I can't blame her. "Uh…depends."

"I can't get out into the field because I'm maxed out on overtime for the month." I say in my sweetest voice. God, I sound like a child that wants some candy.

She looks up at me clearly amused about my statement, but definitely not surprised. "Ah, and you're confined to the lab, huh? Well, hey, look, it's regular hours. I mean, go have dinner with the boyfriend ... Hank, right?" She's pretending she doesn't know his name, typical I am so right, she doesn't like him. "And, and ... go, go to a spa."

I roll my eyes at her statement, why does she still think he's my boyfriend. She tries to say it casually but she's not doing a great job, it looks like she's jealous. Nah, I'm just kidding myself.

"Hank is **not** my boyfriend. And you know, those places are filled with bacteria." Now it's her turn to roll her eyes, she wants to laugh with my statement, amusement is clouding her eyes, but she doesn't.

"Sara, I don't make the rules around here. You've got to talk to Grissom about that."

"Yeah ... he's, um, not really in a talking mood." I try.

"What makes you think he's going talk to me?" I shrug. The fact that you're always able to persuade someone without even trying and the fact that you are the only one that can boss around Grissom, I add mentally. "Get some rest."

Why does everyone say that! I don't need rest, I NEED work, I NEED something to do, I NEED her. But I understand there is nothing she can do for me. "I'm not tired. Really. I'm not tired." I say hoping to convince her before walking away, it looks like she knew I was going to say that. _Am I that predictable?_

She's right about one thing, I don't need to be here. If I'm lucky Hank is available tonight, I call him and we decide to have dinner. But no spa, yuk these things are really gross. I have been there one time and I collected a sample of the water, at home I processed it, you wouldn't believe the things I found in it. That was the last time I went to a spa. I needed 4 showers hoping to get rid of all those things.

* * *

Warrick and I are working together tonight, we enter the apartment of a girl who possibly committed suicide. Hank is in there, putting away his equipment. I greet him, he's surprised we are here so fast. I ask him what he knows and look at our victim. She slid her wrists in her bed, that's atypical for a woman I tell Warrick. I move the bed sheets and see a straight-edged razor, talking about atypical… 

"Warrick." He takes a look at the razor and takes some photos. "Did her parents say whether she lived with a man?"

"Was dating a Brody Jones. No idea where he works or lives." Detective Sulik tells us.

"Did someone move her?" Warrick asks, I look at the girl again, she is in a strange position.

"She was propped up when we got here. I checked for vitals." Hank defends himself, clearly he hasn't forgotten the bra-thing.

"You sure with all your life-saving efforts you didn't move her?" Warrick asks him skeptically.

"Hey, man, like I said, I checked for vitals." Hank is clearly getting upset, he didn't move her, I can tell by the look on his face. He looks lost and I feel sorry for him.

"It's okay, baby." I blurt out and every head in the room turns to me. Hank looks up very surprised, happy and confused all at the same time. I turn away, _what am I doing? Great Sidle, try to convince them now you don't have a relationship with Hank._ I feel very awkward, I called him baby worse I did it in front of my coworkers, I walk to the closet and look for something interesting there. Hank says something to Warrick but I didn't get a word of it, I'm still berating myself for my major fuck up. I let out a deep breath when I see Hank moving in my directions. _Please, let me just disappear into thin air._

"I'm going to hit the road ..." Very good, go away! "... baby." He adds. OH NO! What have I done? How could I have been so stupid! Now what? Did I mean it, why did I say it? I'm smiling. _Why are you smiling, there is nothing funny about it!_

"I'm sorry." Is all I can think off, with that Hank walks out.

When we were processing the scene and the evidence I didn't have time to think about what I had said to Hank, but then I walk into the locker room guess who's there, yup Catherine. I sigh and she looks up to me.

"Hey, heard you closed the case, good work."

"Thanks." But I guess that's not all you heard I muse to myself.

"You hungry?" she asks beaming. "Or…do you have plans with your _baby_?" she laughs. I roll my eyes, just as I thought everyone already knows, but I can't deny it this time because I actually said it and I had witnesses.

"Yes, I'm hungry and no I don't have plans."

"That's settled then, you and me are having breakfast, so you can tell me all about…lover boy." She tries to be jokingly, but she's not. Her voice doesn't match her body language, again I have the feeling she's sad about the whole Hank-thing.

"Okay, only if we are not going to talk about him." She smiles and shrugs.

* * *

In the diner, we talk about everything and nothing but not about Hank, thank God. Something is bothering her, but even if I would ask her about it she wouldn't be honest with me. Better not ask her then, otherwise I would only upset myself again. 

"Catherine, he is not my boyfriend." I state, I just want to get this over with.

She frowns "Whatever, it's none of my business anyway."

"No it's not, but I would like it if people stopped presuming things." I can't convince her.

"Presuming things? Hard not to do when you call your boyfriend _baby_ while working a scene."

See she doesn't believe me. Strange because she knows how I feel about insincerity, funny really because I have been dishonest with her and with myself ever since I discovered my feelings for her. So maybe I am in no position to blame her.

"I know I did, but I still don't know why."

"Sara, how long have you been dating him? Over a year… and you honestly want me to believe there is nothing going on between you two. Come on. You called him baby because that's what your heart is telling you, so stop analyzing everything and open your eyes, stop denying yourself what you feel." Her voice becomes louder towards the end of her statement, she's upset and frustrated with me. _Is she right? Am I really in love with him, but trying to ignore it because it's new for me, being in love with a guy that is?_ I can't deal with this, with her, not right now. I stand up, making an excuse to go, I throw some bills on the table and walk away.

* * *

**_Ah, life really isn't easy when you're Sara Sidle...Thanks for reading! R&R please :-)_**

* * *


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: see chapter 1**

**A/N: _Sorry for the wait. I'll make it up to you :-)_**

* * *

**Chapter 17**

I avoid Hank for the time being, until I know what's going on. I refuse to believe Catherine, maybe I have feelings for him but it's definitely not love. And even if I do love him, I'm not sexually attracted to him, like to see how that works out. Nice couple we would be. And as much as he might love me, I don't think he wants to live celibately, heck I don't want to live like that either. I sigh and look out of my car window, beats me how I ended up here, but I'm in front of Catherine's house.

I walk to her front door just as I am about to knock it opens and Catherine gives me a weird look. "Yeah, I'm surprised too."

She smiles and motions for me to enter. She walks into her kitchen and I follow like a lost puppy. Lindsey is sitting at the table, she's struggling with her homework. I step a bit closer to her and watch over her shoulder, she's trying to do some math exercises.

"You need some help with that?"

She lets out a deep sigh and rolls her eyes. She looks so much like her mother, I smile again. She looks at me with a grin "Can you really help me? I asked mom, but she doesn't know what I'm talking about." I look at Catherine and she blushes.

"I have never been that good with numbers." She says half-apologetic. She's a bit embarrassed and that's just too cute.

"Well, I'm pretty good with numbers so let me have a look." I sit down next to Lindsey and start to explain what she has to do to come up with the right solution. She's totally in awe, now it's my turn to feel a bit embarrassed.

"Wow, you are good! You actually make sense. Thanks a lot Sara!" she exclaims almost bouncing on her chair. She takes her book again and finishes the rest of her exercises occasionally asking me for help. Catherine in the meantime was watching the interaction between us and providing me with coffee. When Lindsey is finished, she runs to the couch, plops down and turns the TV on.

Catherine is watching me intently and I feel a blush creeping over my cheeks. "And you are the one that told us you weren't good with kids. Well, you aren't… you are incredibly good with kids." My face must have turned a couple shades of red by her statement.

"Still waters…" I wink at her.

"Not that you're not welcome, but why are you here?"

"I don't know really. I was thinking about what you said about my feelings for Hank and I'm … confused." I answer honestly. "Maybe I might have feelings for him, but I'm not attracted to him, not in the way I should be if he were my lover."

Understanding is readable of her face. "Well, stop thinking about it for once. Just go with the flow." She winks at me and my face flushes again. "I'm having a party this weekend, maybe you should come and bring Hank."

I would love to come, but I won't bring Hank, that's not what I tell Catherine though "Sure thing."

* * *

Today is Catherine's party, I'm in front of my closet trying to figure out what to wear, I have been standing here for ages. Why is it so hard to find something to wear? And why am I this nervous? 

It's mine and Catherine's night off, the rest of the team has to work tonight, so the party starts at 3pm. It's 2pm now and I don't want to be late, so I grab my new black slacks and opt for my new light blue buttoned shirt. See, it wasn't that hard, I berate myself for wasting so much time. Luckily I have showered previously, so in a minimum of time I'm out of the door and in front of Catherine's house.

There's only one car in the driveway apart from Catherine's car, that must be Grissom I can only think of one person to beat me in being this early, it's 2.25 now. I walk up to her door and here's that nervous feeling again, I feel like a teenager who is allowed to go to their first party. Stupid, I know. I'm greeted by a smiling Catherine, who looks absolutely stunning. She's wearing a low-cut blouse, showing quite some cleavage and jeans, fitting tightly in all the right places.

"Wow…" I breathe out. My throat has gone completely dry and I have to swallow a couple of times.

"Glad, you like it." She says with an appreciating smile. "You look gorgeous too." I blush violently.

We enter and I take place on the couch next to Grissom, there's food everywhere. Catherine asks if I want a beer and I nod.

"Hi Griss."

"Hello Sara, you look nice." He says sincerely.

We are talking about work when Catherine reappears with two beers, one for me and one for her. When she hears what we are talking about, she rolls her eyes and sighs "I cannot believe the two of you, I'm having a party and you are talking about work! You are both lucky I like you so much or I would've thrown the both of you out." I almost choke, _she likes me_ this makes me smile widely.

Not long after, Nick, Warrick and Greg arrive. Now the party started, we joked, talked and danced. And of course, we drank quite a bit. Especially Cath and I because we don't have to work. Greg is a bit tipsy and he wants to play one of those stupid college games which involves drinking and talking about previous sexual encounters. Thank God, nobody wanted to play. I don't think I'm drunk enough to tell anyone stuff about my sex life.

Warrick and Nick are trying to explain something about a new videogame to Grissom and Greg is laughing his head off, because Grissom doesn't understand a word of what they are saying and he keeps asking the most dense questions. It's quite funny and I'm enjoying the show. Suddenly I have this weird feeling, the one you get when you think someone is staring at you, I look to my right and catch Catherine looking quickly away, pretending nothing happened.

I smirk, the alcohol in my system giving me more courage than usual, I move closer towards her and in the most innocent voice I can muster I ask "Did you see something you like?" Although she's blushing, she wouldn't be Catherine Willows if she wouldn't be able to come up with some smartass remark.

"Depends…I was wondering if I should get a new painting or to keep that one." she motions with her head in the direction I was sitting, I look in that direction and on the wall that was behind me I see a painting. _She's good._

"Well you should be wondering to reposition it then, because your eyes were fixed on something a little lower than the painting."

She's stunned for a moment, because I'm beating her at her own game, but she collects herself within seconds "You're right Sidle, I should. Are you volunteering to be my new decorator?"

"Why…so you can check me out some more?"

She opens her mouth, but closes it again. She has no answer to that one, I can't believe it but I won. Inwardly I'm doing a little dance of joy, but it's short-lived because she stands up and stomps off to the kitchen, indicating she's angry or annoyed or maybe both. I contemplate for a moment what I should do, I decide to talk to her. "Cath, are you okay? I really hope I didn't cross a line or something."

"Now that would be new, Sidle crossing a line." Her tone was harsh matching her facial expression. Ah, we were back playing the game we know best… This woman infuriates me! She was checking me out, I call her upon it and she's angry because I _clearly_ crossed a line! If I didn't care so much about her, I would have left but I can't.

"Why are you being like this? Did I say something wrong?" she answers my questions with a death glare. She's drunk, I can tell by the way she's trying to stay upright without swaying, she's struggling to keep her balance but she manages. When did she become this drunk? "You're drunk." I state emotionless.

"Wow, I think I am in awe now." She emphasizes her words by opening her mouth and eyes slightly. "Sara Sidle notices something that's right under her nose!" she's mocking me.

"Cath, I don't know what I have done wrong but you are too drunk to have a civil conversation." She steps closer and I wince she looks like she's ready to hit me. I'm trapped between the counter and her body and I'm petrified.

"It's not civil conversation I want…" I feel her hot breath on my lips. She tries to close the distant between us by kissing me. I can't remember how many times I dreamt about her doing that, but not like this. She's drunk and handling a tense situation like she knows best, using her sexuality. I use the fact that I'm taller to my advantage by pulling away, she looks up at me and sees the hurt and fear in my eyes.

"Sara, I'm sorry. I …I don't know what got into me."

"It's okay, I understand. Let's go back to the party before your guests start to miss you." I give her a faint smile to reassure her that I'm not angry. I'm not nevertheless she hurt me like hell. She saw me as she saw her 'boyfriends', objects she could use as she pleased.

It was time for the guys and Grissom to head out, they offered to help cleaning up, but I said it wouldn't be a problem. I started to clean up, while Catherine was walking them out. A sigh indicates she's back. I turn around and look at her. She looks devastated, she regrets what she tried to do in the kitchen. "Sara, I am so sorry. You didn't deserve that. I'm so sorry."

"No, I didn't. But it's okay, I know you regret it. Now let's get you into bed."

She crosses her arms in front of her chest "No way and let you clean up this mess all on your own."

"Catherine, you're drunk and I can handle this. You are going to have a shower, brush your teeth and get into bed." She wants to protest again but I hold up my hand stopping her. "You can either do it by yourself or I'll help you, it's your choice."

She turns around without saying a word. I clean up the mess we have made and fill a large glass with water. I go upstairs and enter her bedroom, she's already resting, I move to her side of the bed and sit down handing her the glass. "Here, it will help."

She rolls her eyes, but drinks the water I offered her. "Why are you being so nice to me, when all I do is being bitchy to you and biting your head off without a reason."

I shrug "That's just how it is, I like you and I won't let you walk over me whether you like it or not. I'm a person, not an object and I won't let you take advantage of me." she knows what I'm talking about but doesn't say a word. A tear rolls over her cheek and I wipe it away gently. I give her kiss on her forehead which makes her smile "Now sleep." I say warmly.

* * *

I wake up because I hear or I think I hear someone call my name. I don't want to wake up, I had this wonderful dream. 

"Sara, honey…wake up."

I open my eyes and see the protagonist of my dream trying to wake me, maybe I'm still dreaming. I groan why was someone trying to mess with my mind. I blink a couple of times trying to clear my vision, but I still saw those two beautiful blue orbs and the concern deep within them.

"What are you still doing here and why are you on the couch?"

"Needed to sleep, wanted to be here for you." My speaking organs aren't awake yet.

She smiles "Come on, let's put you in bed so you can have some proper sleep."

With every word she said, I woke up a bit more. I sit up so fast, I'm glad I didn't hurt myself. "No, I know you're fine now, so I can go home."

"Sara, you are in no state to drive. I'm sorry but I can't let you."

"Catherine, you're not my mother. I'm old enough to know if I'm able to drive or not." She's getting angry again but I don't care, I can't share her bed with her.

"I know I'm not your mother and I won't keep you here against your will…" she says gently.

I get up but immediately fall down, I'm shaky and my legs give out on me. She's right, I am in no condition to drive. _Damn!_ I sigh, there's no way out, we have to share a bed. But I don't give up that easily, I'm a fighter. "Seems you were right, but I'll sleep on the couch again."

"Sara, this couch is too small for you. Either you go upstairs with me or I'll carry you up myself, it's your choice." She is using my own words against me, this is so unfair. I stand up again and reluctantly take the hand she offered me. We walk to the bathroom where she gives me a spare toothbrush, then she gives me a tank top and a pair of shorts. She walks to her bedroom to give me some privacy. It takes me a lot longer than normal to get ready, I'm tired and only one thought is occupying my mind '_I'm going to share a bed with Catherine'_. I open her door nervously, she smirks at me "Took you long enough, I though you had climbed out the little window."

I walk over to my side of the bed and lie down as far away from Catherine as possible. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

* * *

**_Thanks for reading...reviews are ALWAYS nice :-p_**

* * *


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: see chapter 1**

**A/N: _Fast update :-) Thanks for the reviews!!! I hope you'll enjoy this chapter._**

* * *

**Chapter 18 **

I am so glad Catherine and I aren't feeling awkward around each other after we spent the night together. It was innocent, I know but the events prior weren't. We haven't really talked about the almost kiss, but I guess that wasn't necessary.

Catherine was just a bit drunk and probably also a bit frustrated, it has been a while since I have seen her with a guy. Maybe she's just being more careful and hides it a bit better than before. Either way, I'm not going to complain about not seeing Catherine with some jerk who uses her as much as she is using him.

It seems we are being more close since it happened, when we were at work we acted professional around each other like before, I think nobody noticed the change in our friendship but outside work we were totally different. Catherine invited me over for coffee after almost every shift, we have been on daytrips with Lindsey, which was fun and I have stayed the night with Catherine more than once because she needed someone to fall asleep with or thought I needed someone.

She was really nice to me and I tried to be there for both of them as much as I could. Sometimes I had the feeling there was still hope that things between Cath and me could become…well serious. But I'm still too much of a coward to tell her anything about my feelings for her. I don't want to lose this, I don't want to lose her, it's the first time since I moved here that I actually feel I belong somewhere. In my imagination we are a family, and although I'm putting the cart before the horse, I haven't felt this fantastic in a long time.

But as always in my life all good things come to an end… Eddy, Catherine's ex-husband and Lindsey's father, is murdered and I work his case. It couldn't have been more hell then it already is: the weather was very bad, the rain washed away most of the evidence, there's no murder weapon and all people involved are lying through their teeth, Lindsey almost got killed and on top of that Catherine is breathing down my neck.

She says she wants justice but all she really wants is revenge. She once told me she would not hesitate to take a life when the protection of her child is involved and I think she's showing me what she meant by that. I told Catherine to leave me alone, to let me do my job and to go home. My exact words were _'Go home, Catherine. Be with your daughter. She's the one that needs you.'_ I think I have never seen Catherine looking more hurt than she did after my words. But she knew I was right.

I'm working the case as hard and as thorough I humanly can, I want closure for both Catherine and Lindsey but I have no choice then to call it. I have nothing. I'm disappointed in myself like I never was before. I shouldn't have worked this case, someone else would have gotten closure for Catherine. How am I going to tell her this?

I don't have much time to process that thought, as I'm wrapping up the paperwork, I hear Catherine's voice "So you're calling it?"

I stop writing and turn around to face her. She looks terrible, she's tired, angry and hurt and now I'm going to tell her that I was not able to provide closure for her, great friend I am… I'm close to tears, how could I do this to her. I want to go to her and wrap her in my arms and tell her everything's going to be okay but how can I… I'm a failure, I can't even look her in the eyes.

"I got two liars and no murder weapon ... and no choice." I divert my eyes and pause because my voice is breaking and I need to be strong, if not for me then surely for her. "I'm going to nail the singer on child endangerment and fleeing the scene, and the dealer goes up on possession for sale." Is my feeble attempt to make her feel better.

She doesn't like what I'm saying, she has every right to be disappointed in me, I look at her and I see understanding, not disappointment. It makes me feel a little better. She lets out a deep sigh "What a great bedtime story for my little girl." She says softly, more to herself than to me. I don't think she had the intention to make me feel bad or better worse, but now the truth in her statement hits me full force. Lindsey…

"Cath, I did my best." _I really did_.

When my words register, she looks intently at me. She's saying a lot without actually saying a word, she's trying to reassure me she knows I did my best and she's telling a lot of other things with her eyes. But no matter how hard I want to believe her, I just can't. My best wasn't good enough. I'm still frozen on the spot, I want to hold her in my arms, I want to ask her how she really feels, I want to show her what an amazing person she is, but… I don't move a muscle and I don't say a word. Catherine turns around and disappears and I'm not calling after her, I'm not offering her my support, nothing. _Sidle, you coward! You selfish coward!_

I lie on my bed, trying to sleep but I continue crying and thinking about Catherine and Lindsey. _How could I've not been able to solve this case? How can I ever be a part of their lives again? _I'm berating myself. I have never been this insecure about my abilities and I think I can't face Catherine anymore. A ringing noise fills my room effectively stopping me scolding myself any further.

"Sidle." I say in a very weak voice.

"_Sara?"_ The voice on the other end sounds panicky.

"Lindsey? Is everything okay?" I sound as panicky as her now. If she calls me it can't be good.

"_Yes and no, could you come over here, please?"_

"Okay." Without knowing what's going on, without any hesitation I put my clothes back on and drive over to Catherine's house.

I knock frantically on the front door and Lindsey answers it. She appears to be okay, so what's wrong? _Oh no, Catherine…_

"Hi, what's up?" I try not to sound too frightened.

She doesn't say anything, she leaps into my arms and puts her arms around me, hugging me. "Sara, don't feel bad about dad, I know you worked very hard, you are the best!" she squeals.

"Thanks kiddo, but why did you call me?" I ask softly.

"It's mom, Sara. She has been crying for hours and no matter what I say or do, she won't stop. She's really _really_ hurt. I haven't seen her like this ever before…" she says rapidly. By the end of her sentence she's out of breath.

I'm still confused, what does this have to do with me… Except for the fact I'm the cause of all this. I couldn't bring her closure. Maybe I should try to explain to Lindsey that I'm probably the last person that can offer help. "Okay, slow down… I … I don't think I'm the right person to help your mother, I'm the reason she is this depressed. I'm sorry Lindsey but I wasn't able to find out who did this…"

Lindsey cuts me off. "Don't say that, you are smart and a very good CSI, mom always talks about how great you are and how hard you work. And I know she's right. And I called you because mom keeps repeating that she thinks she has fucked up majorly with you. That you think she's disappointed or angry but she isn't. I tried to let her call you, but she was too afraid of what you would say. She must be truly upset if she uses the f-word when I'm around."

The fact that Catherine talks about how great she thinks I am, is all the reassurance I need "Em…where's your mom?"

Lindsey leads me to Catherine's bedroom and tells me to go in and make her mother stop crying. I really hope I can, at least then I do something right.

I sit down on the bed, next to Catherine's sobbing form. I put a hand on her shoulder and squeeze it gently. I move her hair out of her face and kiss her forehead. My heart breaks to see her like this. What do I say? I'm at a loss for words, so I do the only thing that comes up in me. I lower myself on the bed next to her and pull her in my arms, her head is resting on my shoulder, I kiss her forehead in a soothing gesture and just hold her like that. At first she didn't acknowledge me, but then she wraps her arms around me and pulls me closer to her.

After several minutes the sobbing comes to an end, she looks up at me and for the first time I see her eyes. She has bags under her eyes from tiredness and all the crying she did. They have lost their normal ever present sparkle, they are just blank. I smile at her, still not knowing what to say. She brings her lips closer to my mouth and brushes them against mine, in the softest kiss I've ever experienced.

"I love you, Sara." She says in a comforting manner. She has no idea what her statement is doing to me, my heart is beating dangerously fast and I'm filled with bliss.

"I love you too." I say sincerely, knowing that her statement probably didn't mean the same as mine did nevertheless that couldn't make me feel any less happy right now. Then she puts her head back on my shoulder and her even breathing tells me she fell asleep. A couple of minutes later I fell asleep as well.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading... **_

* * *


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: see previous chapters **

**A/N: _After ages...another update!!!! Thanks for the reviews, I hope you like this chapter as well._**

* * *

**Chapter 19 **

I'm awake, Catherine is still nestled against me, she looks very peaceful. That's very comforting seeing the state she was in last night. I'm watching her since I woke up over an hour ago, she is so beautiful, I could watch her forever. But my throat is dry and aches telling me I need to drink something.

I pull my arm very carefully from under her, placing her head softly on her pillow, she groans faintly but doesn't wake up, I can't resist the urge to kiss her so I place a gentle kiss on top of her head before I try to get out. Just now I realize that I'm not able to move because another body is half lying on top of me. I look down and see Lindsey's sleeping form. I don't know how long she has been lying there, I smile she looks so much like her mother even when she sleeps. I move her a bit, careful not to wake her and she lets out the exact same faint groan as her mother. I would love to wake up every morning with my two favorite girls like this.

I sigh and get up, I walk towards the kitchen and start a fresh pot of coffee. When it's ready, I fill a cup and sit down at the kitchen table. I hear someone upstairs walking around and coming downstairs. It's Catherine, I smile at her and make her a cup of coffee. She takes in the aroma and smiles.

"How are you feeling?"

"Much better, thanks to a certain someone." I blush and look down.

"You're welcome." I mumble, still a bit uncomfortable by her previous statement. I'm not used to get a lot of compliments, getting one from the woman I love makes me very self-conscious.

We just sit there, staring at each other in a comfortable silence. I remember the I love you she gave me before she fell asleep, I'm sure she just meant it in a friendly manner but I'm too afraid to ask anything about it, instead I told her I had to go home and that she could call me whenever she needed anything.

* * *

It's Thursday and raining badly. I walk in the break room and Nick is already there, but Catherine and Grissom aren't. I grab a cup of coffee and ask him about there whereabouts, he didn't know either. I lounge in one of the couches, coffee in one hand and a magazine in the other. I look at the magazine and notice I already read it twice. No use to read it a third time instead I observe the room, not that there was anything new to observe. If I closed my eyes I would be able to draw the entire room including every single detail. 

Grissom walks in and tells me I'm working a case with him and Catherine. Apparently there's been an accident, a car drove straight into a bar. I'm glad I'm working with Catherine, it's been a while since we worked together and ever since the Eddy Willows case I have the urge to show her I am a capable CSI. She told me more than once that it wasn't my fault I couldn't solve his case, however I can't help but blame myself.

When we arrive at the Checkerbox bar it's a very big chaos, everywhere there are EMT's giving orders and trying to save as many people as possible, there is scattered glass and pieces of broken tables and chairs everywhere. There's a large amount of blood visible which tells me probably more than one person died.

Brass tells us what happened and suddenly I hear a very familiar voice behind me giving orders. Hank. I walk over to him and notice that his wrist is broken. I'm confused for a moment, then I realize he was in the bar when the accident took place. I talk to him briefly, before he brushes past me to attend to the driver. I take in the scenery in front of me, people rush from one place to the other, all acting pretty nervous. It's still raining outside, I stand there for a couple of minutes trying to make out what could have happened. Catherine started to take pictures and Grissom is on the phone.

Hank is sitting on a gurney, Larry is taping his wrist up I walk over to them and ask if I can continue. Larry stands up and I tape Hank's wrist. Hank is acting rather strange, he is holding back, it seems like he's in shock. It dawns upon me that he could have died and that's probably what makes him act like this. I can't make the same mistake then I did when Catherine needed someone, so I try to reassure him right now and tell him that he can call me whenever he feels like it. Then he leaves, it's all very awkward and I get the feeling something else is wrong, something he's not telling me. No time to dwell upon that now, there's a scene that needs to be processed. I walk towards Grissom, he tells me I work with Catherine and that Warrick is coming too, he has gas (residential gas as he adds later) and needs to go. I interview the restaurant manager discovering a little something more about what happened.

Catherine is processing the car and I decide to help her. "I'm sorry. I got wrapped up in…"

"Hank." She completes my sentence, but I note the undertone in her voice. She still thinks he's my boyfriend!! This is frustrating but I don't have the energy nor the time to discuss this with her now.

I sigh "Yeah."I look at the inside of the car and notice something odd "An old jaguar with a GPS unit. That's strange."

Catherine agrees with me "Yeah, not your granny's Oldsmobile."

* * *

The driver is transferred to hospital, so I decide to go over there and check on her condition, maybe she's able to tell us more about what happened. I'm driving and I can't stop thinking about Hank and life. You never know when it is going to be over, it can happen just like that. What must it have been like to lose him, I care deeply about him, he's one of my best friends. I'm not ready to lose him. I have a strange feeling that I can't place nor describe. It makes me feel sad and lonely. I know I have other friends and Catherine, but that's not the same. He is special to me because he's not someone from work, he's smart, funny and nice. He's mine in a way: he's always there for me and I like to hang out with him. 

I have been neglecting my friendship with him this last couple of weeks, I suddenly feel ashamed of myself. How could I have been neglecting this… Even though Catherine and I are friends now, she will never be truly mine. Hank is and I know for a fact that he's in love with me and waits for me to make a move. He knows I don't feel the same about him, but that didn't make him stop waiting, nor hoping. Maybe I'm in love with him too, maybe I'm just too afraid because this is new to me and I've always hated new things, they scare me. Maybe I should stop analyzing things and just go with the flow, like Catherine told me…

* * *

**_Yeah, I know it's a short chapter...next one will be longer. So let me know what you think!!! Should Sara go for Hank??? Thanks for reading!_**

* * *


	20. Chapter 20

_**Disclaimer: see previous chapters**_

_**A/N: Wow, 20 chapters!!!! I'm proud of myself!! I have a couple more chapters waiting, but they still need some editing. So you'll just have to be a little more patient. Well, I could consider updating and editing faster... Oh and Myx Nyx thank you for the review, it's always nice to have a new revieuwer. And of course the others are welcome too!  
**_

* * *

**Chapter 20**

In the hospital I talk with the officer and the only relative of the old lady, her grandson. A young woman in a wheelchair is brought out in the hallway and Hank is on his knees next to it. It's obvious they know each other, I get a strange feeling... I'm a bit jealous, why hasn't he ever spoken about her? I head towards Hank while a nurse wheels the young woman away.

"Hey."

He looks at me and stands up. "Hey."

I try to lighten the mood "And the EMT award of the year goes to …" I sound a bit awkward, I'm trying to hide my suspicions and cheer him up.

He looks away, he's sad. Guess I didn't do a great job. "Not me. Death toll's now three. Could climb to four. Elaine…" he looks at me and sees I don't know who he is talking about. "The girl in the wheelchair … she's one of the lucky ones." Oh, he also knows her name. Maybe she's just someone he works with, that could explain why he knows her and why he's worried about her.

"You were amazing." I'm just going with the flow here. If I want him to know how I feel about him, it's best to show my appreciation, right?

"Eight years in the rig, first time I've actually been a part of the scene. I can't stop it going through my head."

I nod understandingly, maybe I should try a little harder "Yeah, you never know when your life's going to change."

Now he understands what I'm getting at, I expected him to be glad or relieved or something, but he looks nervous. He starts to move away from me "Listen, I ... I got to get out of here."

Okay, not what I was expecting… he might still be in shock. I grab his hand gently, trying to stop him and show him I'm genuine "You need a lift?"

He takes his hand back and moves away from me. "No, I drove." With that he walks away.

"Hank?" when he turns around to face me I continue "I'm really glad you're okay."

He smiles "Thanks." Then he turns and walks out of the hallway. I'm standing there dumbfounded, feeling like a fool. I chased him away. _Good Sara, smooth!_

* * *

I put all thoughts about Hank aside and go to the autopsy with Doc Robbins, nothing seems to indicate why she drove her car into the bar, there weren't any physical signs and so far there wasn't any evidence either. I take the GPS and try to figure out if something went wrong there or maybe I can find out anything that explains why she drove there. Still nothing. Greg comes in and tells me granny was high as a kite. I go back to Doc Robbins, but even if she was high that couldn't explain why she drove into a building. This is becoming frustrating. Maybe Catherine and Warrick are back with something solid.

I walk past one of the labs and see Catherine working in it. She stands in front of a monitor with tables on it. Must be the seating chart program from the bar. Each time she touches a chair, a picture of the patron pops up. I walk in but she's too busy, she doesn't even notice me.

"Hello."

She turns around briefly "Oh, hey." and then she goes back to what she was doing, explaining to me what she found out. "So, I got photos of the restaurant patrons off the DMV database and input the information per the restaurant seating chart and the police report." I'm trying to watch the monitor but I keep staring at her hand until I see a familiar face pop up. She turns to me and asks "Who's Elaine Alcott?"

This is weird, why does she think I know one Elaine Alcott… "Who?"

"Oh, well, she was seated with Hank. I just thought maybe that ..." she looks a bit confused.

"Oh." Now I understand why she thought I knew her. I lean in to the computer on the table in front of me and close the pop up box for Elaine and open the box for Hank. Trying to figure out who she is and why they were there together.

Catherine just continues "Anyway, um ... apparently, she told PD that she was returning from the ladies' room at the time of the impact."

I close Hank's box once more and open Elaine's. I recognize her face, that's the woman from the hospital the one in the wheelchair. "They must be friends. I saw him with her at the hospital."

"Okay." It's like she knows more then she's willing to let on. She notices my confused look and quickly looks down at her clipboard. "Um ... okay, so, we've got 36 people in the restaurant. Twelve worked for Sillmont Healthcare, a block away. Another ten were from the brokerage firm across the street, a couple of regulars, a few out-of-towners and restaurant employees."

What's going on? Why did she assume that I knew Elaine and why did she act kind of strange when I told her they must be friends. I want to ask her if she knows something I clearly don't but Warrick chooses this moment to walk into the lab informing us that Diane Lambert aka granny ran the light. He hands the photo to Catherine.

"Wow. She sped through that intersection - 52 miles per hour."

"That's more than twice the speed limit."

"Well, the tread marks tell us that her brakes did work, so it must've been something else that malfunctioned, causing her to accelerate." Warrick muses out loud.

"Gas pedal could've gotten stuck, or ... throttle plate could've jammed." I say.

Catherine gives me a knowing look "There's only one way to find out." she knows how much I like to work with cars, she also knows I'm as good as a car mechanic with them. But I also suspect she's sending me away because she knows I'm going to ask her about her behavior earlier and she doesn't want to talk about it.

While I'm standing up she hands me the file "I'm on it." And with that I leave.

* * *

I checked under the car, took an oil sample from under the hood, checked out the engine… I give up, this car is in perfect state. Warrick walks in and reports to me that the red light camera catches four times as many violators than any other camera in Vegas. This could explain that the intersection is a dangerous one. We decide to check it out.

The building has mirrored glass so maybe this could explain why this intersection is so dangerous, the sun shines pretty intense in Vegas, so it could have reflected of the building, obscuring Diane's visibility. We calculate the descend of the sun but we are still in the dark. The sun was still in the sky when the accident occurred but the sun was behind the trees at the time.

This is beginning to aggravate me! We have been working for hours and we still got nothing. I'm walking through the lab when I spot Catherine in one of the labs. She's working on a computer that duplicates the car crashing through the restaurant scenario. Looks interesting maybe she's onto something.

I was right, Catherine tells me Diane accelerated into the building. I got a hunch, so I walk straight to Doc Robbins to check her basic blood panel. Yes, finally I got lucky, her acetylcholine levels are low and her epinephrine was high. It's the same as for the Kamikaze pilots during WWII. This means she drove her car into Vegas with the intention of using it as a murder weapon.

I tell Catherine what I came up with while we make our way to the AV lab. It could be that someone in the bar was the intentional target. Catherine agrees with me, so we run the program again.

"Three out of five of the people sitting in the window work at Sillmont Healthcare. Maybe I should go talk to her." Elaine was one of them, so maybe she knows more.

Catherine turns to me and again she has this strange expression on her face, it's like she wants to tell me something…bad, but doesn't know how. She nods "Yeah, maybe you should."

* * *

I'm at Elaine's home, interviewing her. She doesn't know who Diane Lambert is, so she's going through a list to see if Diane is a policy holder. She grabs her laptop and sits down on her couch, I walk over to the couch and sit down next to her. I'm looking at the coffee table and become aware of a picture of her and a guy somewhere abroad. I give the picture a better look, it's Hank, unconsciously I reach out to the little frame and pick it up.

Elaine smiles "My boyfriend. Saved up my miles and took him to Hawaii last year. He's going to take me to Tahiti in a few weeks. I can't wait."

Her words register in my mind. Her boyfriend. I put the frame quickly back on the table, she continuous "Ms. Lambert isn't on my list. But if you want, I can go on the company database."

I have to get away from here… Her boyfriend, last year, Hawaii, … I didn't know he had a girlfriend, he never told me. That fucking sun of a bitch! He was trying to cheat on her with me and more importantly I almost let him! It feels like the room is suddenly too small and all oxygen is sucked out of me. I have to go outside, I need air. I try not to show her my discomfort, I don't want to explain what that asshole is doing to her. "Thank you. Um, I-I have to get back to the lab. Um, maybe you could call me." I hand her my business card.

"Okay." She gives me an awkward look, but I don't care.

Once outside I feel tears running down my cheeks. I want to scream, I want to hit something, I want to… I want to… I don't know. I feel like I'm 7 all over again, small, insignificant, vulnerable, scared, hurt, … How could I have trusted him?! He was using me, he tried to cheat on his girlfriend with me, what did he tell her every time we went out. How can she not know? I want to go back in and yell at her, tell her what kind of boyfriend Hank is, but I can't. I can't hurt her as much as I'm hurting right now. Nobody deserves to feel this kind of pain.

I close my eyes and see the face of my father laughing at me, I hear his voice telling me that I'm studpid and that nobody cares about me, that I'm only good to be used when necesarry then been thrown out like garbage, that's what I am. I shake my head to get rid of his voice, all color drains from my face and I feel a burning pain in my stomach. I bent over, open my mouth and let the pain out. I throw up until there's nothing left inside of me.

I calm myself down, dry my eyes and step into my car to head back to the lab.

* * *

**_Of course the question at the end of the previous chapter was a rhetorical one:-) The only logical answer __is: NOOOO! _******

* * *


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: See chap 1**

**A/N: _Enjoy!_**

* * *

**Chapter 21 **

Back at the lab, I walk straight to the locker room and brush my teeth. My pager beeps, it's Catherine telling me she's in the observation room. I so don't want to see her now, she only needs one look from me to know what's going on. Maybe she knew all along, how could she do this to me!

I walk over to the observation room, before I walk in I try to compose myself, maybe she won't notice anything. Oh, I really do hope so. "Hey" I try to sound casual, but I can't meet her eyes. She will see right through me.

"Hey" She looks at me expecting more than just _hey_, I just walk over to the table and sit next to her, I open the file and start to read. Catherine is still watching me intently. "So, how did it go with Elaine Alcott?"

I still don't look directly at her, I keep my gaze on the file "She didn't have anything to add to the investigation." I sound very unconvincingly. Yup Catherine also doesn't buy my lame explanation. _I'm screwed!_

Catherine frowns at me, waiting for more information, wanting to know what's wrong with me. She opens her mouth but before she can say anything Brass walks in. I could really kiss him for his timing. "Hey, how's it going? Here are the phone records from the driver of the vehicle that you asked for. You know, there may be something to that kamikaze grandma theory of yours. Last week, Diane Lambert closed out her bank accounts, paid off her credit cards, and updated her will." He updates us.

I go through the phone records Brass handed me and notice there's only one Vegas number on it, when I tell the others, Catherine tells me to dial it.

The woman on the other end tells me she is an employee from Sillmont Healthcare, this can't be a coincidence. Then she tells me the address 16 South Meadows Lane, this can't be a coincidence either. The Checkerbox is at 16 North Meadows…

"If Sillmont Healthcare was the intended target, how did she end up at the Checkerbox?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened to me. Last week, I was driving to a crime scene in the car and the GPS said go right. Had I done so, I'd be coughing up fish from the bottom of Lake Mead." Brass tells me.

"Well, GPS is hardly perfect. Maybe north was a directional default." Catherine says.

"Or maybe she put in the wrong address." Brass adds.

Okay I get the picture, but why Sillmont Healthcare… "Either way ... it does leave one question: Why was Diane Lambert so angry?"

* * *

Well now we know why Diane was so angry. Catherine and I visited the insurance company, it seems Mrs. Lambert had colon cancer and the insurance company came up with a great excuse so they wouldn't have to pay a dime. Wasting valuable time for Mrs. Lambert, which made her mad.

Back at the lab, I thought about something, did she know how to work the GPS unit, I printed it and found the prints of her grandson. I searched Catherine and found her when she came out of the locker room, ready to go home. I told her what I found and we interviewed the grandson. Poor boy didn't know what his grandma was up to. Now he knows she killed herself for him and I feel sorry for him.

We walk out of the interrogation room and the last person I want to see right now walks up to me. Catherine looks at me "I'll meet you at the car." Then she gives Hank one of her death glares.

"I called the lab. They said you were here." He swallows hard. "I heard you met Elaine."

I roll my eyes "Yeah, she's really something." He looks scared, now I know why he's here, he wants to know if I told her something. "I didn't tell her about us, if that's what you're wondering."

"I'm really sorry, Sara."

He's sorry, he's got to be kidding me. I really want to hit him, but I don't want to be the same scumbag as he is, I nod "Yeah, me too."

"I don't know what else to say."

"I'll see you around." Like I care what else he's got to say. I walk out of the police department towards Catherine.

I open the door of the car and get inside, Catherine is watching me. She is unsure of what to say "You got plans?"

"Nope."

"You want to get a beer." I look at her, she smiles at me with a knowing look on her face. She knows what it feels like to have someone cheat on you. I can't help but smile back.

"Drive."

* * *

Catherine drives us to a bar I haven't been before, but I know it's one she used to dance at. I raise one of my eyebrows at her, but she just shrugs and walks to the door. It's obvious they know her at this place, because everyone is extra friendly towards her, they walk us to a booth in the back. It's darkened and secluded. We sit down and immediately a topless waitress puts two bottles of beer in front of us, then she winks at Catherine and walks away.

I take a big swig of my bottle and look at Catherine, she's watching something she definitely finds interesting, so I follow her gaze and see what she's seeing. She's watching the stripper on the stage, it's a long-legged brunette, with big breasts I can't make out if they are real or fake from this distance. Either way they are beautiful. She's grinding the pole in a very seductive manner, she's not new at this I can tell. I assume Catherine doesn't know I'm gay but she definitely knows how to cheer up my mood. I don't know how long I have been watching her, but when I look back at Catherine she's watching something else intently… me.

I'm so glad we are sitting in a darkened booth, because I'm blushing fiercely. Catherine smiles at me, no… smirks at me. "You don't have to be embarrassed, she's very good." Coming from her, this must mean she really is. "Aren't you going to ask why I drove here?"

"Why did you bring me here?" I smile at her.

"Ah, interesting question." She mocks me teasingly. "Well, when I feel down I always come here. It's the only place that makes me feel better. Except for Lindsey of course but when she's at school and I need to improve my mood, this is my place."

"So, you like to watch women." Now it's my turn to smirk.

"As a matter of fact I do, you got a problem with that?" before I can answer she adds "That would be kinda hypocritical because a couple of minutes ago you were drooling all over that girl."

The color in my cheeks returns full force and I don't have a comeback. Catherine takes a heavy swig of her bottle and her composure changes, it becomes more serious and I know what she's going to ask. "So, you want to tell me how you feel?"

"I was wondering when you would ask. But first of all, no interrupting okay?" I say gently, Catherine just nods. "Well, Hank is NOT my boyfriend, he is never been and never will be. I dated him a couple of times, very fun indeed but nothing romantic. I told you before he wasn't my boyfriend but you wouldn't believe me. Yesterday when I found out he was hurt and could have died in the accident, I wanted to change our relationship, realizing just how short life is. You told me once to go with the flow and that's what I was about to do." I drink my beer and go on "But he was acting rather weird, he had told me he was in love with me and now that I was showing him that I wanted to give it a try, he held back. It wasn't until I saw a picture of him and Elaine in Hawaii that I realized he was trying to cheat on his girlfriend with me. I was hurt, angry even, because I trusted him. I assume you think I have a trusting problem, well I do and when someone I truly trust deceits me, it hurts in a way I'm not willing to describe."

I don't add anything else, Catherine waits patiently expecting me to share more, but when she sees I'm done talking she reacts "Son of a bitch! I always knew he was a jerk, I have wanted to tell you all along, but I was scared you would be angry with me because I was imposing your personal life or something. Now I realize just how lame my excuse was, I should have warned you… I'm so sorry Sara."

She uses the exact same words as that jerk did earlier, but she seems to be truthfully sincere. He didn't, he probably hoped we could stay friends or something. Or maybe he thought that when he offered an apology I certainly wouldn't go back to Elaine to tell her everything. I give Catherine a small smile "Don't be. You're right you know, I would have been angry with you most likely ."

We talk some more, she tells me about how she felt when she discovered Eddy was cheating on her and other things and we drink some more. I'm having a great time, which is good considering the tough shift we had. We were so busy talking and joking that I hadn't noticed that the bar was empty except for us.

"I think we should find another place, I believe they are going to close." I say, this is probably the only place that closes in Vegas.

"Yeah, it is. It always closes for 2 hours, gives the owner time to clean the place. But you don't have to worry I can always stay and as long as I'm here, the music plays…" she winks at me.

A thought pops into my head, good thing I'm drunk because I would never have had the courage to actually share this thought with Catherine. "So correct me if I'm wrong… this bar stays open just for us and the music keeps playing…" I bite my lip. "You think you could show me why everyone says you're one of the best dancers in town?"

Good thing she's drunk too, her eyes widen for a concise moment then she smirks "Miss Sidle are you asking me to dance for you?" she asks in a very seductive voice, leaning on the table showing me quite some amount of cleavage.

My breathing increases and a warm sensation works its way through my body. I lick my lips and in a husky voice I reply "Yes."

She stands up and walks ever so slowly towards me, she puts her hands on my hips and leans closer to me "On stage or lap dance?" I think I stopped breathing.

"On stage." I breathe out, I like the idea of her giving me a lap dance but I would probably die.

She takes my hand and pulls me out of the booth, she walks towards the stage and stops in front of one of the chairs there. She motions for me to sit down, I obey her immediately. Then she continuous to walk towards the stage swaying her hips more than usual. She crawls up on the stage and walks to the front never taking her eyes off of me. Very sensually she walks towards the pole and begins a dance just for me. She makes love to it, while taking her clothes off, still keeping eye contact with me. It's like she's making love to me, I'm breathing heavily now and I'm licking my lips imagining I am kissing her, that she's dancing like that with me, making love with me.

She likes what she's doing to me, I can tell by the big fat grin and smirk on her face. She crawls off the stage and comes straight towards me, only wearing her matching thong and bra. She's so beautiful. She straddles me and starts to grind against me, her moves matching the music. I want to touch her so badly, I want to show her what she's doing to me, but I can't I'm mesmerized by her beauty and sexiness. She puts her arms on my shoulders and brings her face closer to mine "Because you like it so much, you get a lap dance for free." She whispers in my ear, before licking my earlobe, a low moan escapes my throat. "Take me home, Sara."

* * *

_**I hope you liked it. But I guess...you'll start hating me again. You want to know why? Be patient ;-)  
**_

* * *


	22. Chapter 22

_**A/N: I know short chapter...but longer ones will follow :-) About that hating thing...well, read it and let me know. Please be nice ;-)**_

_**Thank you for the reviews! It was a real ego boost :-)** _

**_Anyway...enjoy this chapter! _**

* * *

**Chapter 22**

I wake up and try to open my eyes, but as soon as they are open I have to close them again. I have an excruciating headache and everything starts to spin. I open one eye slightly trying to observe my surroundings, I'm definitely in my bedroom which is good I guess because I can't remember how on earth I got here. My body is slowly waking up too and I feel heat emanating from someone next to me. I try to open my eyes a bit more and I see a very beautiful naked body pressed against mine.

_Oh no, we can't have…_ it's stupid trying to deny I had sex with her, because I'm also naked and there's this musky smell surrounding us. My body feels sore and given by the stinging pain coming from my back, I guess I have several scratches on it. _Damn, why do I always have to make things difficult…_ I remember my conversation with Hank and the visit to the strip club, images of a dancing Catherine flood my mind and I can only guess what happened afterwards.

We were both drunk, we talked about Hank and Catherine told me how depressed and frustrated she felt lately. We could have just enjoyed ourselves and could've gone home separately, but no that would have been too easy. We had to spice things up a bit, or at least I did, I asked her to dance for me. I was doing so well, I was successfully denying my feelings for her, I was effectively avoiding physical contact with her… _How can I ever act normal around her again? We had sex, the feeling of satisfaction is telling me we had wonderful sex…_

On top of this all I'm having a killer hangover. I sigh heavily and start to move my sore body away from the bed, so far so good. I put my feet carefully on the floor and steady myself before I stand up. I take a deep breath and stand up very _very_ slowly. My legs are shaky but I manage to stay upright. _Okay, now the hard part, moving my legs…_ It takes me again a couple of moments before I move my left foot first and then my right one.

It took me almost double the time it normally does, but I made it to the kitchen. I smile to myself for managing what seemed to be the hardest task in the world. I can't drink coffee that's for sure, so I make myself a nice cup of tea and decide what to do next. I should talk to Catherine but what do I say, I really want to come clean and tell her how I feel but … I don't know. Look what happened with Hank, I trusted him, we were close friends, I almost took the next step but that bastard was just using me.

What if Catherine is using me too, she almost kissed me one time then she was drunk too and she was frustrated, no difference this time. Except well…I was also drunk this time and I let her. So we ended up in my bed, but she doesn't know what this means to me, she can't know, I never told her how I really feel. I sigh again, this is complicated. If she would feel the same for me she would have told me, wouldn't she. Catherine is not the kind of woman to be withholding. _How stupid can one be… I just found out Hank used me for over a year and now I let Catherine do the same… not entirely the same because I wanted it, but now what…_

I can't do this, I can't tell her I'm in love with her, if she doesn't return my feelings that would be unbearable. I go to my bathroom, have a quick shower, I put on some clean clothes and write a note for Catherine.

_Cath,_

_I had to go urgently, you don't have to wait for me._

_CU tonight_

_S._

I put it on the table, grab my keys and I head out not knowing where I'm going to. So I drive for a couple of hours, it helps me to clear my head. I head back home, hoping Catherine is gone, I have to get ready before I go to the lab. I turn of the ignition and suddenly it dawns upon me that we took a cab last night because we were in no state to drive. _Fuck!_ I hit my head against my steering wheel. I left Catherine in my apartment, without coffee, food or a car. I'm not just an idiot, I'm an incredible stupid selfish idiot!

I reach my door in no time and open it, I step inside but there's no sign of Catherine anywhere. _Shit!_ I grab my phone and call her, after just one ring I hear "_Willows_."

"Hey, it's me. I'm so sorry Cath. I'm such an idiot."

"_Uh, Sara what are you talking about_?" She sounds confused and a bit upset, oh no she thinks I am talking about us…her and me I mean… having sex. _Sidle, get a grip for once!_

"Well, I left you and forgot you didn't have a car to get back home and …"

She cuts me off "_Oh, don't worry bout that, I am a big girl."_ She actually sounds relieved.

"You sure?"

"_Of course erm…Sara about last night…"_

I cut her off before she says anything that could hurt me "It's okay Cath, I understand."

"_No, listen to me. It was really nice, thanks."_

Nice? Nice? Is that all it was, just nice. It was fucking amazing, although I can't remember everything yet I know it had to be. But this confirms all my doubts about her feelings for me, I have to fight back tears that are forming behind my eyes. "Yeah, it was. See you later."

* * *

_**Thanks for reading. And for those of you I might have dissapointed...I'm sorry, but it will get better. Patience still is a virtue! WOW I'm beginning to sound like Grissom... Need. Rest. Now! LOL**_

* * *


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: _Here's the next one. It's my autumn holiday now, so I won't be back until Friday. Enjoy reading!!!!_**

_**Thanks for the reviews (again that egoboost !!! ;-) )**_

* * *

**Chapter 23 **

Weeks passed without any more incidents between Catherine and me. She tried to talk to me about what happened that night but I just couldn't, so I avoided the topic as much as I could. In the end she just stopped trying. Something I was very thankful for. Our relationship didn't change really, at first we were a bit awkward around each other, but luckily we got over it.

But the one-night-stand wasn't that great for my mood, from time to time I felt awful and I took it out on anyone who was in the neighborhood. One of those unlucky ones was Grissom, he was only trying to help me out with some evidence I couldn't figure out. He wasn't on this case, but he knew that when we had a slow night I would work on some old evidence that wasn't finished yet. Tonight was a slow night and I'm sitting in my lab with the evidence spread across the lay-out table. Actually I'm not really getting any work done, Catherine was wearing this sexy blouse and since I have seen her I can't stop thinking about it. Knowing all to well what's hidden beneath it.

"Hi, I thought I would find you here." Grissom's voice startles me.

"Yeah I am trying to figure out something…"

I hoped he was just going to step out again, but of course he had other plans. "Maybe I could have a look, you never know wh…"

"Oh you're still here." I say rather harsh not giving him a chance to finish.

He frowns wondering why I'm being rude when he's only trying to help. He's visibly contemplating something, which simply pisses me off. _I just want to be alone! Is that so hard to understand?! _He opens his mouth, he finally found something to say but I'm not interested.

"Grissom, I don't want your help. I am capable enough to do this on my own."

Again he remains silent, reflecting on something to say and trying to figure out what makes me act this way. "Just say something! Could you act like a normal human being for just this once!" it comes out a lot louder and harsher than it sounded in my head.

Grissom's expression changes from caring to annoyed. "Okay, maybe you don't know this but I _am_ still your boss. What's the matter with you?" his voice is gentle not matching his facial expression at all.

"I'm sorry…" I offer. "Gris, I didn't mean… I … I'm sorry, I really am."

"It's okay, Sara. Forget it, but what's wrong with you? I noticed a change in your behavior since the case with Ha.. with the Checkerbox, did something happen?" I am stunned, Grissom noticed a change in me…

"It's okay to say his name, you know." I give him a small smile. "Well yeah, he was trying to cheat on his girlfriend with me."

"Oh…" I don't know what surprises him more, the fact that I told him this or the fact that Hank did this to me. "I'm sorry Sara."

"Don't apologize for something you didn't do. He's a jerk. But he's not the reason for my behavior. It's … it's complicated." I don't like to talk about my feelings, but I have to admit that it actually feels good. But Grissom doesn't seem to be the right person to discuss them with.

He clearly thinks otherwise "You want to have breakfast after shift, then we can talk. Don't even try to come up with an excuse, it's a disciplinary action for earlier. Like I said, I'm still your boss." He smiles widely and leaves my lab.

Great, breakfast with Grissom to talk about my feelings. Well, he is a great friend and he's the only one, except Greg, I can talk about everything with including myself. Only 4 hours to go…

* * *

Shift is over, I walk towards the locker room to change into something new and _clean_. I'm a bit nervous about my breakfast 'date' with Grissom and I secretly hope he won't show up because some big case interferes. The locker room door opens and someone steps inside.

"Thought I might find you here, all set?" Well, he's not working a case…

"Yeah." I try to smile reassuringly, but fail majestically.

Twenty minutes later we arrive at one of Grissom's favorite diners. I cut off the engine and sigh deeply, here we go…

We sit at a table and order something to eat. The waitress brings us a hot cup of coffee, thank god I could really use one… Grissom hasn't said a word since we left the lab, which only results in making me even more nervous. It's like he's thinking about a really good question to ask, it only makes me feel like a suspect waiting to be interrogated.

"So…what happened to this nice, hardworking woman I love to work with…" he smiles at me.

I sigh and sip my coffee before answering "You're sure you want to know?"

He only nods encouragingly, as if that would ease my nerves. But I start anyway, I tell him everything about my 'relationship' with Hank, like I expected he was also surprised when he found out I didn't really have a relationship with him. He was also pleased because, just like Catherine, he had a bad feeling about Hank too. _Great friends I have, why didn't they say something…_ I can't really blame them I wouldn't have listened anyway.

For a moment I want to tell him everything about Catherine and my feelings for her, our friendship, the one night stand… but I'm too afraid for his reaction. He's still our boss, maybe he thinks my feelings could interfere with my work, judging by my behavior lately he might even be right. So I decide against it. I tell him that she was there for me and about our 'dates' after shift and he is glad to hear I confided in someone.

I change the subject to forensics because I'm done talking about myself and I know Grissom won't object to discussing something work related instead. My plan worked, we finished our meal having a comfortable discussion about the latest findings. I try to stifle a yawn, off course Grissom notices.

"You're tired, maybe we should go home and catch some sleep."

"Good idea."

We say goodbye and drive home.

* * *

**_Thanks for reading!!! Oh, before I forget, Happy Halloween :-)_**

* * *


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: _Well, another update! My vacation was...let's say...not that good. Went to a family vacation parc and the facilities there were so bad that sometimes we wished we had stayed home. So I'm really glad to be back. Babbling again :-) It's Friday, so as promised... here's the next chapter._**

* * *

**Chapter 24 **

Since my breakfast with Grissom my mood improved a bit, so he thought we should do it more often. As in … on regular basis. At first I thought it was a no can do, but I didn't really have a choice in the matter, eventually it turned out to be very nice to have my old friend back. We talked like we did when he was teaching in Frisco. We joked around, shared new information we had learned through magazines or seminars, went dancing and talked for hours about everything and nothing. I even started to talk more and more about Catherine and the things I did with her, but I still kept my feelings to myself.

I noticed more things about Grissom, for instance I noticed he was lonely. Everyone assumes he doesn't do personal, that he is incapable of having any feelings at all. In a way he does, but he's also human. Being supervisor consumed a lot of his free time, which made it almost impossible for him to have a life outside the lab. He always acts like he doesn't need anyone to be happy, but I think he's lying to himself. I heard some rumors about him and lady Heather and I think he could have been really happy with her.

Some of the lab techs think I have a thing for Grissom or the other way around, I see the looks on their faces whenever Grissom and I pass their labs. It's quite funny actually because I still think it wouldn't work between us. We are great together as friends, but that's as far as it goes. We're both closed off from the rest of the world most of the time, we really need someone who's the complete opposite. Grissom found his opposite in lady Heather, mine is …

Speaking about her, it's been a while since we worked together and I miss her a lot. The cases and Lindsey are really taking their toll on her, she looks more tired _each_ day. We don't get to spend any time outside the lab these days and inside the lab we don't seem to find any time at all to talk. It looks like she's avoiding me, but I don't like to think that's true so I blame work. Anyway I'm babbling again, where was I … right Grissom. The lab techs could be right, he really needs someone to make him happy, maybe I could make him happy or at least happier, less lonely.

It's like when you put 1 and 1 together, we're both lonely and incapable of being with the one who completes us. So in a way we complete each other… maybe I should just ask him out, see what happens, maybe nothing happens which is just as good. Can't blame a girl for trying, right?

I'm thinking about changing something between me and Grissom when he walks past my lab, I decide to follow him. A part of me is screaming that this is a bad idea and another part is urging me to do the right thing. What is the right thing exactly? What are the facts… 1) He's my best friend and the one that knows me longest 2) I love him 3) We understand each other without verbalizing our feelings 4) We share the same interests 5) We both love our jobs (this can come in handy you can't blame the other for working too much) 6) Being with Grissom is easy. See, a lot of pro's, I'm smiling to myself. I'm still following Grissom, it's like everyone needs him right now. _People leave him alone, I'm going to improve his life! You are only making it worse!_

After a couple of minutes walking almost through the entire lab I decide to give up, there's always another time. I walk past Greg's lab and smell something funny, something like… A bright light prevents me from seeing anything, I don't know what's happening but I'm knocked into the wall and fall to the ground hard. Glass flies everywhere, I look up and see Greg lying a couple of feet away from me, he lifts his head up. _Good, he's alright. _But he looses consciousness quickly. _No no no no!!!_

* * *

Outside the lab everything is pretty chaotic, everywhere are lab techs with bleeding wounds, EMT's are running in and out the lab, firemen, police officers … I'm sitting on the curb, holding my hand, I have a pretty deep cut but nobody really notices me. Good, I don't want to go to the hospital. I really hope Greg's okay, I'm worried about him. 

Someone is coming my way, I don't want to talk to anyone right now, I have a strange feeling in my stomach...

It's Grissom, he looks worried, he notes the wound and calls for an EMT to look at it. _It's not that bad, why doesn't anyone listen to me!_

Maybe because it really wasn't looking good, it needed a couple of stitches.

* * *

I'm on my way to the hospital, I'm going to see how Greg's doing. Actually my motivation is a bit selfish, I really need to talk to him. What was I thinking when I asked Grissom out? Why do I always do this? Take the easy way out…but making everything more complicated in the process. Being with Grissom would have been so easy, no complications, no fighting for his attention or love, no need to come out to my friends, no nothing, … _But it wouldn't have worked. Sidle, stop this! Stop being a chickenshit and tell Catherine how you feel, ask her out, it's her you wanted to ask out in the first place!_

I pull up in the parking lot of the hospital and step out of my car. I sigh, I really hope Greg is alright. I walk to his room and want to enter but a familiar voice inside stops me from opening the door. It's Catherine, she's talking to him. I know eavesdropping is bad, but I can't help it. She's telling him who's responsible for the explosion. _Oh my god! She is!_ For a split second I'm angry at her, she's the reason I have been acting like a fool. _You can't really blame her! _I drop my head and knock at the door.

'It's open…' I hear Greg chuckle faintly.

I take a deep breath and walk in. Catherine watches me closely with an apologetic look in her eyes. 'Sara, I'm the one… I'm …' she struggles to find the right words.

'Forget it, I'm fine. We all worked too hard lately, anyone could have done the same.' I smile at her which puts her at ease. We lock eyes and just stare at each other. _I have missed her so hard…_

'So… did you come to check how I'm doing or… did you come to check out my visitor?' his voice is weak but he manages to sound amused. His comment makes us blush.

I drop my gaze to the floor, I pull myself together rather quickly and look at Greg 'By the sound of it, you are just fine so I don't need to ask anymore.' I smirk.

'Ouch, that hurts even more than my burned back.' He smiles and attempts to wink at me, but flinches. 'Damn, I think my painkillers have lost their power.'

Catherine has been too quiet and now looks hurt, she stands up and leaves the room without saying anything. She's acting rather strange so I give Greg a questioning look and he tries to shrug.

'Don't mind her, she's feeling pretty bad. She blames herself, but personally I think knowing you are responsible is punishment enough. Of course the 'big chief' had to suspend her, image of the lab and so on…' he's almost out of breath, I can't help but feel sorry for him. Then it dawns upon me what he said.

'What?! She's suspended? How…'

'5 days no less.'

'You've got to be kid…' I don't get a chance to finish my sentence, Catherine walks back into the room. Apparently she hadn't left, she just got a nurse to check up on Greg and give him more painkillers.

'Don't Sara, I could really use the extra time off, it will do me good. Actually… isn't it your night off tomorrow? Maybe we…' she's looking me straight in the eye.

Without giving it any thought I practically blurt out 'I would love to!' I lock eyes with her. My breathing becomes a bit erratic, I want to kiss her so badly. I could be kidding myself, but it looks like she's blushing. Instinctively I move closer to her, our bodies are like magnets, I could swear she moved a bit in my direction too. Her eyes are growing darker, this time I'm definitely not mistaking, I see desire in them.

Greg coughs, effectively interrupting our _magic_ moment. 'Ladies, if I wasn't confined to this bed, I would have loved to give you two a moment but…' he stops midsentence and thinks 'actually sorry to interrupt go on.' He has this big shit eating grin on his face, I would love to slap him.

He is clearly enjoying himself, while we just stand there mouth agape and flushed. Catherine looks at me and smirks 'Well, actually if you would be so kind, we could really use a bed for the things I have in mind.' _She did not just say that… _My jaw really hits the floor this time and Greg's did too, he looks a whole lot better than he did before. I really hope she meant what she said, but then again what does that mean? That she would like to have sex with me again, I still don't know if she wants more…

I try to come up with a comment, a word even, anything at all but my mind is blank except for the very vivid images of a naked dancing Catherine. _First close your mouth, second start to breath and then say something, don't just stand there. _The first two things are harder than I had imagined, but I manage… I open my mouth to say something, but no sound comes out so I close it again.

I shake my head, I must have been far off because I see and hear Greg and Catherine chuckle, clearly I missed out on a conversation. 'What's so funny?' Thank you vocal cords!

'You.' They say in unison and start to laugh their heads off. I turn beat red, I'm soooo embarrassed right now. 'Oh…' _Really smart retort, Sara I couldn't have come up with a better one._

'You know you are really really adorable when you look so flustered.' She smiles at me 'I think Greg here agrees, don't you?' she turns her attention to Greg and I follow her gaze, Greg is practically beaming. Did she just say that she finds me adorable. If they want me to talk ever again, they will have to stop laughing at me and she has to stop saying things like that. My body is reacting loud and clear, but the logical part of my brain is numb and my vocal cords refuse to vibrate and produce sound.

'Maybe we have to speak slower because it seems her mind is working overtime…' Greg chirps. They start to laugh again, I can't let them go through with this, that's just mean.

I pull myself together 'Well, as a matter of fact it is… I have all this very vivid images dancing around in my mind… ' I look at Catherine and she looks away 'Would you like to know what I'm seeing, Greg?' This earns me a death glare from Catherine, she is challenging me with her eyes. _Oooh, I like this. _Greg of course really want me to share 'Tell me tell me' he sounds like a kid.

'Well not so long ago I visited this strip club and a really indescribable beautiful and sexy as hell woman was dancing on stage, taking her clothes off agonizingly painful… the sight of it was enough to cause me to cli…' I'm cut off midsentence by none other than said stripper.

'Sara, it's late I think we should go now and let Greg rest.' Her voice is husky and low. She's also not looking directly at me. Greg on the other hand doesn't look like he needs rest and he is practically begging me to tell more. But the whole point was to get back at Catherine and I did, so I leave the rest for his imagination.

'You're right, let's go.' We say goodbye to Greg and leave the hospital.

* * *

**_Do you feel the electricty in the air??? Wow, would they finally come to their senses??? You can read it all in the next chapter!!! LOL! Thanks for reading._**

* * *


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: I hope you didn't have to wait too long... The story continuous :-)! Enjoy! And...review...please... (see now you're making me beg ;-) )

* * *

Chapter 25

Catherine left Greg's room a couple minutes before I did, I hope I'm going to catch up with her because I think we need to talk. I don't know exactly what about but there was some kind of magic in that room and I need to know where it came from. I walk faster than usual through the halls of the hospital, thank God for my long legs and excellent stamina. She looked a bit upset after what I told Greg, I hope she's not mad at me.

When I reach the parking lot, I'm a bit out of breath. _Maybe it's not that excellent then._ I look around but no sign of Catherine. _Damn! _I am slightly disappointed, I shove my hands in my pockets and drop my gaze to the floor. I stroll over to my car, no need to hurry now. When I reach my car, I nearly have a heart attack when I hear 'You sure took your time to get here…'

I bring my gaze up to her eyes, very slowly I let my eyes roam her body before they reach their goal. Her voice might have sounded serious, her eyes are unmistakably amused. 'Sorry thought you'd left.'

She takes a step closer to me, hooks her fingers in the loops of my pants and pulls me against her body. I let out a deep breath, which goes not unnoticed. She takes one of my hands in her own and squeezes it a bit, we lock eyes. We are standing very close, I can feel her breath on my face and it seems as if everything around us just vanished. I glance at her lips, they are just perfect… I try to remember what they felt like…

I close my eyes briefly and feel her soft hot lips press against mine, for a moment I'm mesmerized by the feeling but I quickly kiss her back. She opens her mouth, giving me access. I slide my tongue past her lips leisurely enjoying every moment of it. A low moan escapes her mouth when our tongues touch, I have to suppress a moan of my own. Her hands sneak up my back and she pulls me even closer, we just stand there kissing deeply not caring about anything else in the world.

It's not a hungry kiss, it seems like we are communicating through our kiss, both trying to convey as much as we possibly can. I now know that her feelings for me are genuine and that she must have had them for a while. I try to 'tell' her that I'm in love with her for a long _long_time and I hope she gets my message. After God knows how long we pull back and just stare at each other, smiles plastered on our faces.

'We need to talk.' _Damn I hate those words!_

'Yeah I think we should.'

* * *

Funny how one says those words but then remains silent. My nerves prevent me from laughing which I'm glad for because I don't think she would have liked that. Imagine kissing someone the way we did then telling that person you need to talk and all that person does is laugh, not funny. 

I look at her, she seems to be nervous too. She's fidgeting and looking everywhere but at me, I cup her chin and make her look at me. If we are going to talk at all I better start 'I wanted to do that for a long time and I know this sounds lame even cliché but I don't care, because it's true and if you hadn't kissed me senseless then I might have come up with something better.' I smirk at her.

'Why Sara?' she asks hesitantly. The question is rather vague and I'm a bit puzzled why what? Why I wanted to do that for a long time, why me, why I kissed her, why…

In all my confusion the smirk fades and what I can only assume to be a very baffled expression takes its place. The questions are still racing through my head and I can't seem to find the one I have to answer. Catherine notices my bewilderment and clarifies her question 'Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you kiss me like this before? Why after all we have been through didn't you want to talk to me about it?'

_Okay that are a lot of questions… _I honestly don't know where to start or what is the right thing to say, so I stop thinking and say the first thing that pops in my head 'Because I was afraid. Afraid of losing you because you would think I was going crazy. This sounds as lame as my previous statement, but it's the only thing I can think off.' She waits for me to continue.

'Look, I started to have feelings for you a while back. I couldn't first figure out where they came from, not that they were new to me, no I have been in love with women before. Actually only women. But that doesn't matter, we weren't really friends and when we finally stopped butting heads I had this really disturbing, in a good way I might add, dream about you. Since that day I couldn't stop thinking about you, I wanted to tell you so many times, but something stopped me every time. Then there was Hank and everyone supposed he was my boyfriend, it was easy to deny my feelings for you and pretend I was involved with him, so I only corrected _you_ when you spoke about my _boyfriend_, in the end I thought I should give it a try. Well was I stupid or what… The only good thing about it was: I got to spend the night with you. You told me it was nice and I mistook that to mean _it can never happen again._ You tried to talk to me about it but I was afraid of what you might say. Work got in the way, actually I let it get in the way, so …' Catherine cuts me off.

'Sara, breathe.' She smiles at me and I realize I have been talking uncontrollably, it's a tendency I have when I'm really nervous, I always think that if I don't talk fast I'm going to forget to say the important stuff. Talking nonstop means almost no breathing and I think Catherine was concerned I was going to faint.

Instead of breathing like she suggested I pull her close to me again and kiss her slowly at first, but our kiss deepens quickly. We pull back when the need for oxygen becomes too high.

'You are cute when you ramble like that. That's one of the things I love about you.' I feel a blush creep up my cheeks. 'That's another thing I find adorable.' The blush only intensifies. 'Sara, I … I … it was not just nice, it was the best night of my life.' _She really wants me to faint. _'I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen to me. I said it was nice because I thought it was a mistake at first.' That hurt, I want to say something but she goes on 'No, let me explain. I had the feeling I had taken advantage of you… You know how I used to use men whenever needed, well I … I was jealous of your …. of Hank. Remember the party at my place, I tried to kiss you but not because I was drunk, I had wanted to do that since… I can't even remember. I was angry because you could so easily get to me and the fights, the tension it awoke between us… I shouldn't have done it the way I tried but I longed for your kiss. I hurt you deeply and now I fully understand why.'

'Wow. I thought you were trying to handle the situation by using your sexuality because you were drunk.'

'I know, I would never do that to you. You mean too much to me. I took you to the strip club on purpose, I had this feeling you were or at least could be into women too. And that place always sheers me up, so… I had the intention of getting you drunk and…' she blushes fiercely.

'Catherine Willows, are you saying you wanted to take advantage of a 'broken' girl?' my tone is serious but I'm smiling to let her know that I'm not really angry.

'Actually I was, a bit. I'm sorry, but I wanted to make you happy. The reason I wanted to get you drunk was not to get you in my bed, but it would be easier to tell you how I felt.'

'But we ended up in your bed and not talking…'

'Yeah and I felt bad about it, you deserved better than that.'

'Don't feel bad, I had every intention of getting you in bed with me the moment I asked you to dance for me.' she looks incredulous at me and starts to blush.

'It seems we have a lot to talk about, let's go somewhere.'

'My place?' she asks, then the implication of her question hits her 'I meant … coffee…'

'Cath, relax I know exactly what you meant, it's fine.' But I can't resist the urge to tease her a little more 'And coffee wasn't part of it.' I grin. This earns me one of her famous glares again which causes me to grin more widely. 'Sorry couldn't resist.'

* * *

We are sitting on her couch, snuggling. We have talked for what feels like hours, I told her everything I could think off about my feelings for her and she did too. Occasionally we kissed, when the urge was overwhelming and yes there was coffee too. 

She places her head on my shoulder and sighs heavily, I turn to look at her but I can't see her features 'Is everything okay?'

'Couldn't be better, but… we'll take things slow, is that okay?' uncertainty clear in her voice.

'Of course we will.' I hook a finger under her chin, forcing her to look at me, when she does I gently brush my lips against hers.

* * *

Thanks for reading. The next chapter will take a little longer, sorry but work (correcting, giving marks, preparing lessons...) interferes again.

_**  
**_


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: _Here is chapter 26 at last... I hope you enjoy it, although I think it's not as well written as the other chapters, I blame it on my major writer's block and lack of time. I promise to make it up to all of you with the next chapter :-)! _**

* * *

**Chapter 26**

I'm slowly waking from the best rest I had in a long time, no nightmares, no worries, no waking up in a cold sweat, just perfect. Thanks to a certain woman with the most mesmerizing blue eyes anyone has ever seen, _she_ was the head star of my dream. I turn and open my eyes very slowly giving them time enough to adjust to the light that's already coming through my curtains.

It's a beautiful morning, I smile and I know that smile is going to be plastered there for the rest of the day, nothing can ruin my delightful mood. I stretch a last time before I get out of bed, I turn on the stereo and practically bounce through my apartment. I make myself a cup of tea, humming along with the song, dancing through the kitchen. I feel so lightheaded it's almost like I'm drifting through the air.

After tea and toast, I step into the shower and turn the water on, it's extremely cold but that doesn't matter… I make a mental note of the things I have to do. _Groceries, Catherine, cleaning, Catherine, doing the laundry, Catherine, cooking, Catherine, … _Okay this has got to stop, I'm quickly becoming obsessed with her. Perhaps I should pay her a visit first because otherwise I won't get any work done.

I put on some clothes and grab my cell phone after just one ring I hear '_Willows'_ it sounds like she's busy with something and not really having time to talk.

'Good morning, miss Willows.'

'_Sara…hi' _she sounds a lot happier right away _'sorry for that, I wasn't expecting a call from you.'_

'I wasn't going to call but then I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about you, so… what are you doing?'

'_Well I'm doing__ the laundry and later I was going to do the groceries, then make lunch, inviting this incredibly intelligent and beautiful person to join me… I know her for a couple of years now, but it's like we just met yesterday.' _She is so funny, I roll my eyes and smirk.

'Then why haven't you called her yet?'

'_I was going to, but I forgot to ask her number __and now some other woman is calling me, so…'_

'Maybe I should hang up then, goodbye miss Willows.' I say in a serious tone, I even sound a bit upset of course I'm just doing it to get back at her.

Before I have the chance to hang up she calls_'Sara don't… I didn't mean that. You know I was talking about you, don't you?'_

I smile to the phone _I won_ 'Of course I know, I would really love to join you for lunch, actually the reason I called was to ask if I… if… I just wanted to ask you if it was okay to come by.'

'_Of course it is, sweetie.'_

'Okay see you in a few.'

* * *

Before I have the chance to knock at her door, she opens it and greets me with a great smile. Her smile is contagious, so I smile back at her. She is contemplating whether it would be okay to kiss me, I can see it in her eyes. But uncertainty wins and she takes a step back, allowing me to step inside. We walk to the kitchen where a steaming cup of coffee is waiting for me.

'How did you know I was going to be here so fast?'

'I guess I know you pretty well.' She's beaming with pride.

'I guess you do.'

We sit down and enjoy our coffees meanwhile making small talk. Suddenly two arms are rapped around my waist coming from behind. Seeing how small the arms are, I realize it's Lindsey. I turn around and see the smiling face of Catherine's adorable daughter.

'Sara!!!' she shouts, never losing the big smile.

'Hi Linds, shouldn't you be in school.'

'Nope, I have the day off.' She says matter-of-factly. 'Is my mom giving you work too?'

I look at Catherine and smirk at her, she blushes a bit. 'No sweetie, Sara is just paying us a visit.'

'That's not fair.' Lindsey whines, she plops down on the chair next to me and starts to pout. 'I had to clean up my room, do you know how long it took?'

I shake my head and try not to laugh, Lindsey has no idea how cute she looks when she pouts.

'Well…long. Too long!' she keeps on pouting.

'Linds, it's only eleven o'clock and you've only been up for an hour. So it doesn't really take that long, does it?'

Lindsey ignores her mother's question and rolls her eyes. I can't help but find this really amusing, I imagine what it would be like in a few years when she's a teenager… _she's going to be a handful._

Lindsey's mood changed rather quickly, she started to talk about school and her friends and afterwards we played some videogames and I checked her homework. I spent a bit more time at Catherine's than I intended but I had such a great time.

After Nancy picked Lindsey up, we plop down on the couch. Catherine sighs deeply and closes her eyes. 'What a day…thank you so much for all your help.'

'I had a great time so…what do you want to do next, we still have some time before we have to get to work.' Catherine looks at me and this sexy smirk appears on her face. Immediately I feel my body respond, I have a few ideas of how we could pass the time but I think it's wiser to keep them to myself.

Catherine notices the way I'm looking at her is not at all innocent and inches closer to me. 'Miss Sidle, are you having some inappropriate thoughts at the moment?'

'Well I wouldn't call them inappropriate.' Before I can say or think anything else she straddles me.

'Care to share them then?' she starts to make circles with her finger on my hand and very slowly she moves it up my arm leaving a trail of goose bumps. She brings her lips closer to mine, but doesn't let them touch. My arousal is only building.

'It seems you know pretty well what I'm thinking…' she doesn't let me finish, she presses her mouth hard against mine, not long after that I feel her tongue tracing my lips. Our kiss is deep and passionate and her hands start to roam my body. Kissing her like that, takes away all intentions I had to take things slow, I grab her hips and pull her closer. My hands are under her shirt in no time, her skin is hot to the touch and I know she's burning with passion for me.

I move my hands back to her hips, grabbing her ass and stand up holding her close to me. We break from the kiss and she brings her lips to my neck, kissing and licking the sensitive skin there. I let out a deep moan and start to walk us towards her bedroom.

Once inside I put her down gently and cup her face, we lock eyes and I kiss her slowly. If we are really going through with this, I want to be sure she wants it just like I do. Our kiss is different it's loving and tender but still passionate, I pull back slowly and open my eyes and just watch her. Unhurriedly she opens her eyes too and smiles at me to make sure I know this is what she wants.

'I know I said we'd take things slow, but I really want this too. You're so beautiful.' She says this, knowing I wouldn't go on if there was any doubt left in my mind. Well there isn't now.

I hook my fingers in the loops of her pants and pull her flush against me. I kiss her lips, then her cheek, then her jaw line then her neck, licking up till I reach her ear 'Okay baby, but we'll take this slow then.' I say in a low husky voice before biting down on her earlobe lightly.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading, reviews are extremely welcome... Any suggestions? **_


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: _It has been a very productive holiday for my writing, so I wrote the next chapter. Since some of you want hot monkey sex, I kinda wanted to give you what you asked for... I really hope you enjoy it!_**

* * *

**CHAPTER 26**

Slow. We should definitely both look up the word because we obviously don't know the meaning of it. We have been together for 3 weeks now and we have been at it like rabbits, every time we are alone we just can't resist each other. Every single time we both have the intention to just kiss and maybe a few innocent touches it turns out to be a bit more. Well, those kisses become very passionate make out sessions and those touches lead to a lot of panting and sweating and last for a couple hours.

We still haven't told any of the guys and I like it that way, I am not ashamed of my relationship with Catherine but I like to have her all for myself just for now. Only Nancy and Lindsey know, Nancy had a serious talk with me making sure I was good enough for Catherine and not just after one thing. Well I guess I passed because she is very friendly and she even gives me advice about how to handle Cath's different moods. I like her, she and Cath are very alike whether they want to acknowledge that or not.

Since that first time we spent a lot of time with each other and I have slept almost every time at Cath's place, a time or two she slept at my place because Lindsey was having a sleepover so Catherine didn't have to go home. I live closer to the lab so obviously we picked my place to go to, more time for passionate love making.

I'm sitting on the couch reading a new book and watching Lindsey while she does her homework, Catherine went to do the groceries. Suddenly I hear the doorbell, Lindsey doesn't move so I assume she is too concentrated on her homework, I stand up and open the door expecting it to be Nancy. But it's not…

'Sara???' asks a very confused Greg, he looks me up and down and starts to smirk. I spent the night here and I haven't left the house today yet so I am wearing my boxers and a tank top, my hair is tousled and on top of it all I opened the door like I live here.

'Greg what are you doing here?'

'Funny I was going to ask you the same, but seeing how you are dressed I have a fair guess.' He is grinning widely which makes me blush and stare at my feet.

'Come in, Catherine is not back yet but it won't take much longer.' I step back to let him enter, he comes inside and I close the door behind him. 'Greg, can I have a word.' It's not a question.

'Of course.' He smiles nervously.

'I would appreciate it if you keep this for yourself, okay?' I look him in the eye and make sure my voice sounds a bit threatening.

'Sure thing, we wouldn't want to upset the coolest ladies of the lab.' he assures me.

'Thanks.'

* * *

I hear the front door open and Catherine yells 'Honey, I'm home!' then she laughs 'Could you come give me a hand please?' I walk towards the door and see her struggling with two oversized bags, I quicken my step and release her from the burden. She smiles and kisses me 'Thanks.'

'It's always a pleasure to help you if that's my reward.' I turn and walk into the kitchen placing the bags on the counter next to Lindsey. She still hasn't moved so I check her pulse, she giggles and turns to look at me 'What was that for?'

'Because… Greg is sitting there and you only nodded and now you're mom is home and you didn't yell or jumped in her arms so I checked to see if you were still alive.'

'You are weird, Sara. Thank God you're my mother's girlfriend.'

'And why is that?' I ask confused.

'Because otherwise I would have called the police, to make them arrest you for frightening a small girl with your weirdness.' She starts to laugh probably from seeing the look on my face. I can only guess what it looks like but I felt my jaw drop and I'm still standing here doing the best imitation of a fish out of the water. I have no comeback I just stand there, I hear Greg laughing so I turn to him and give him a death glare.

'Hey don't look at me like that, you know she's right you are pretty weird.'

'I am not!'

Greg and Lindsey both laugh their head off and I start to pout 'Hey honey what's wrong?' Catherine's sweet voice asks me, but when she notices Greg she starts to blush. 'Oh hi Greg.'

He nods at her and smiles but I cut him off before he can say anything 'They both think I'm weird. You don't think I'm weird, do you?'

Catherine has to bite her lip literally to not join the other two in their laughter, this is so not funny. Tears are starting to form in her eyes from desperately holding back her laughter 'Well…you are a bit weird.' She says softly and then she can no longer hold her laughter, she almost doubles over.

'Okay, this is not funny anymore.' My pout is only getting bigger, but the more I pout the more the others laugh their head off. I turn around and stomp away, I'm not really mad but I want some fun too. Three…two…one… 'Sara, come back you know we were only kidding.' However I don't turn around until I feel Catherine's hand on my shoulder 'Honey please look at me.' I turn around but hold my gaze to the floor so she can't see my face. She wraps her arms around me and I put my head on her shoulder. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.' Ow yeah she's crawling! I smirk into her neck, she feels the movement and hooks a finger under my chin. 'Oh you liked that didn't you?'

I smile the biggest smile I have 'Ow yeah, every single moment. That'll teach you…' I kiss her swiftly and turn around to see the other two staring at me with awe.

* * *

Greg came by to tell Catherine he really didn't hold a grudge against her for making his lab explode and to make sure they were okay. That was rather sweet of him. Afterwards he wanted to know all about us, Catherine and I that is. That was rather annoying but we answered almost all of his questions. Then he went home, he had to get ready to go to the lab. Catherine and I have the night off today, when Catherine is in the shower I bring Lindsey to a friend for a sleepover without Catherine's knowledge.

Next week would be our first month anniversary but we both have to work then, I spoke to Lindsey and she said I had to celebrate it today, she would go over to a friend. So we planned everything without telling Catherine. I'm in her bedroom waiting for her to come out of the shower. I showered before I brought Lindsey to her friend and am now dressed in a new outfit I bought especially for the occasion. It's nothing too fancy, it's just nice. I'm wearing a leather trouser rather tight hugging me in all the right places and a really tight top which prevents me to wear a bra. I also bought another accessory but I don't think Cath is going to notice that one until later on.

She steps into her bedroom and I feel her eyes go over my body in a seductive manner. 'Why are you dressed like that?'

'Surprise, now put on something fancy too. It will all become clear in minute.'

'Huh, I don't… where's Lindsey?' she asks suspiciously.

'Don't worry, all taken care off. Now get dressed or we're going to be late.' I step over to where she's standing and kiss her effectively cutting off all the questions she was going to ask. Without looking at her I walk out of her bedroom and wait in the kitchen for her.

Twenty minutes later she walks in, looking absolutely gorgeous. She is wearing a low-cut dress, showing off a great deal of cleavage. I manage not to drool but it's taking a lot of effort. 'Wow, you look gorgeous.'

'Thanks, now tell me why I had to get dressed.' Her curiosity is getting the better of her.

I tell her to be patient, take her hand and lead her to the car. We go to a small restaurant just outside the city, it's a quiet romantic place. She has been quiet for quite a while now and I'm starting to get nervous. 'Is everything alright?'

'Sara, it's perfect. I am totally in awe.'

'For a minute you had me worried I had done something wrong.' I smile nervously 'You know that next week is our first month anniversary but we have to work then so I wanted to celebrate it a bit earlier.'

'That's really sweet and I love it so far, the outfit you wear, the food is delicious, you even made sure Lindsey is having a great time at a friend. I know it sounds strange and maybe it's a bit fast but I love you with whole my heart and soul.'

My smile gets bigger 'I know… I love you too. You are an amazing woman and an even more amazing mother. You're smart, funny, beautiful and you really know what I like and want before I even know it. I love to talk to you, I love to kiss you, I love the little sounds you make when you sleep, I love the sound of your moans, I love every single thing about you even the fire in your eyes when you're angry. Maybe this sounds lame but it's true.'

'It's not lame Sara, it's sweet.'

We finished our meal making small talk and then we headed home. The drive home was silent, but comfortable. I parked the car in the driveway and went towards the door, Catherine following closely, she closed the door but before she knew it I had her pinned against it, kissing her senseless, when we broke free for air I looked into her eyes and saw pure raw lust... and desire. During the meal our desire for each other was only building so when we kissed it was all released.

I knew Catherine just like me, liked it rough sometimes, so without saying anything I ripped her dress, admiring her body for a moment. _God, she's beautiful! _I took her arms and pinned them over her head so she couldn't move, I brought my face to hers and kissed her lips softly, tracing her lip with my tongue seeking entrance, which she gave me immediately, I slid my tongue slowly deep into her mouth, massaging hers, I withdrew it just as slowly and bit her bottom lip.

I kissed her cheek and then her neck, when I reached her pulse point I sucked on the skin there knowing it would show in the morning. I kept going downwards and attacked her breasts with my mouth, while moving her arms so I could hold them with one hand. My free hand moved up her thigh, the material of her dress rising upwards. A moan escaped her throat. I reached her hot, wet center and rubbed it through the material of her thong.

I traced my hand over her stomach along her sides, I put my body between her thighs, pressing against her center hard, moving her up the wall so she had to semi-straddle me with one leg. Being taller gave me the advantage to push her even higher, she couldn't touch the ground anymore, she put her other leg also around my body. I loved the position she was in. I kissed her passionately again while opening up my zipper and pulling out the strap-on I had been wearing without Catherine's knowledge. I brought the tip towards Catherine's center and slid it in her, earning a loud growl.

I looked at her and saw surprise and excitement in her eyes. I pressed my lips against hers and I thrust my hips forcefully into her, she bit down on my bottom lip and I tasted a whiff of blood. I kept thrusting in and out of her rather hard, releasing her hands to support her better with both my arms. Her legs squeezed my body harder and I know she was close to climaxing, this turned me on even more.

Her breathing became quicker and she started to beg me to give her release. I pushed the dildo deeper into her, knowing I was hurting her just a little bit, but she loved it. Her moans and growls were getting louder and louder, she started screaming my name over and over again. Then her legs lost their grip around my waist, she rested her head in the crook of my neck and whispered "That was amazing, hon."

I smiled at her. "No, you are amazing."

I was still inside of her so I moved us cautiously towards the bedroom, once there I put her on the ground. She had a huge grin on her face which turned into a smirk, she pushed me onto the bed and straddled me, she started to kiss me and she moved one hand across my body, pinching my very erect nipples and massaging my breasts, continuing her journey downward with her other hand and resting it on the dildo, she looked at me while she lowered herself onto me, the dildo sliding easily into her wetness. She rocked hard against me, causing a wonderful sensation on my clit, I started to buck my hips hard into her.

I looked at the goddess on top of me, totally in awe of how sexy she looked in that position, it didn't take long until we both reached our climax. She collapsed on top of me, I pulled the dildo carefully out of her and adjusted our bodies. I took off the remaining clothes and removed the strap-on, then I snuggled against Catherine and just held her until we both fell asleep. My last thought _from now on things can only get better.  
_

Boy, was I wrong!

* * *

_** So I gave you what you wanted, now give me what I want...REVIEWS!**_


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: _My vacation doesn't end until Monday... and yes I have used all my free time to write. I've written a couple of chapters already, so I will be able to update on a regular basis for a while... But don't get your hopes up, I want more reviews. I NEED to know what you think about my story and/or my writing before I can continue. Call me evil... :-)_**

* * *

**Chapter 28 **

'Hey Sara, you want to go grab a beer?' Nick asks me while he is putting on a different shirt.

'Yeah, it's been a while since we did something after shift.' Warrick joins in.

'I don't know, let me think…' I pretend to be thinking, but they know I'm only faking it. 'Okay, where?'

'Where what?' Catherine has just entered the locker room and looks at me expectantly.

'The boys asked me to grab a beer and I said it was okay, if you ask nicely maybe you can come too.' She gives me a playful slab on the arm, I just smile at her.

Nick and Warrick have noticed the change in our interaction, but so far they haven't commented on it. 'You want to come too, Cath?' Warrick asks.

'I guess I don't have plans now.' she says looking at me, for a moment I feel guilty it sounds like she already had plans with me. I mouth a sorry to her and she winks at me.

'That's settled then, let's go to that bar we went last time.' Greg apparently is also in.

* * *

We are sitting in a bar, the guys have had a couple of beers and are becoming slightly tipsy.

'Let's play a game…' Greg cheerfully states.

'Okay, but I get to pick the game.' Nick says. 'Let's do a confession game. Each of us have to tell something about their most embarrassing action in the last two months. Greg since you wanted to play it's only fair you start.'

Greg tells a story about asking a girl her number and being quite pleased with himself when he got it, only it turned out this girl was a prostitute. Then Nick and Warrick tell an embarrassing story, it is loads of fun. Catherine is sitting close to me and touching me every time she thinks it's safe.

'So Catherine, it's your turn.' Greg almost bounces up and down his chair, he looks so much like a kid sometimes.

'Well actually I need some time to think about one.'

The guys look at me expectantly, why I decide to tell them this I'm not sure but I do 'I asked Grissom out.' they all choke on their beers and their jaw drops to the floor.

'When…why…' Warrick asks after a couple of minutes.

'Right after the explosion, I convinced myself I needed to make him happy. Of course he turned me down and I am glad he did…' I look at Catherine who hasn't said a thing since I started to speak. She looks … it's hard to describe the expression on her face, I have a hard time reading it.

When she looks at me I see anger in her eyes, she looks beyond pissed 'Have you any idea what you have done?' she says in a hostile manner.

'Cath, it was nothing.'

'Don't Cath me! I don't think I want to hear it Sara.' With that she stands up and leaves the bar. I want to follow her but I know that will only make things worse.

Nick, Warrick and Greg just stare at me, I shrug my shoulders but remain silent. Then it hits me we drove to work together, so I will need a ride or a cab.

'Since Cath and I drove to work together, can I get a ride?' I try to sound nonchalantly but it's to no avail. Greg already knew about my relationship with Catherine but now Warrick and Nick know too. Otherwise Catherine wouldn't have been so mad at me.

'Sar, I'll drive you home. But I need to know something… are you and Cath…you know?' Warrick asks.

'Dating? Yeah, we started dating…' I trail off, immediately it hits me this whole thing started outside the hospital after the explosion the same day I asked Grissom out. _Oh no, what have I done?_ I turn pale and Greg is starting to be anxious 'Sara don't tell me you started dating her the same day you asked Grissom out and please don't tell me you forgot to mention that to Catherine.'

I become even paler realizing just how stupid I have been. 'Yes and yes.'

'Sara I think you should talk to her, soon.'

'Thanks for your concern but I have to give her time, if I talk to her now we will only end up arguing and then everything will turn out worse.'

Warrick who was the most sober drove me home after we talked some more about how I should best handle this, the guys even promised to help me. When I enter my apartment it feels empty, I grab my cell phone and call Catherine but she doesn't answer hers I decide against leaving her a message, not really sure what I should say. I go to bed and have the worst sleep in weeks.

* * *

_**Told you there would be trouble, will they recover from this... Who knows, time will tell. **_


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N:_ As promised... you didn't have to wait too long :-)._**

* * *

**Chapter 29**

I'm rubbing my tired eyes, I am trying to stay focused but with the lack of sleep I have had, it is just plain hard. Catherine is still refusing to talk to me, it is almost been a week since I came clean. She has been avoiding me in the lab, so I only saw her a couple of times and she doesn't answer my calls. As a result I only slept about 10 hours in an entire week and it's beginning to show.

I am extremely moody, ready to chew anybody's head off and snap for no reason whatsoever. The guys have tried to talk to Catherine but it didn't help either, everyone walks on eggshells because from what I have heard Catherine's mood is even worse than mine. I miss her so much, I want to tell her how sorry I am and explain why I asked him out and why I forget to tell her but she doesn't let me.

My cheeks are wet and I wipe away the tears. It feels like I have been crying forever and I don't even care I am crying in a lab now. Anyone can see me, but I don't give a damn I'm only human I have feelings too. Out of the corner of my eye I see Catherine walking past my lab and heading for the locker room, I can't take this anymore I have to talk to her.

I enter the locker room seconds after she did and close the door, I lean back against it so nobody can interrupt us. 'I have to talk to you, I can't do this anymore.'

She looks at me a bit shocked, she clearly wasn't expecting me. 'Sara, I am not in the mood for this.'

'At least hear me out, let me explain why I did it.'

'I don't care why you did it, obviously you have a thing for Grissom but he rejected you so you went for the next best thing…me.' she is becoming pissed off again.

'You think I could do something like that…so my feelings for you are nothing more than sympathy…' the lack of sleep is making me irrational, my words are harsh and I have no intention to be nice to her.

'I so don't want to hear this, you can honestly say you didn't do it. Well Sara you did! You asked him out, then you kissed me. What do you want me to think?'

'Obviously you don't think! If you believe I could do something like that… you clearly don't know me at all.' I'm shouting at her, which only aggravates her more.

'I don't know you, I thought I did. How could I be so wrong?!'

'I am glad that's clear then, I am relieved you're no longer part of my life! Now if you'll excuse me I have a man to seduce!' I know I shouldn't have said that, but I am beyond the state of caring. I leave the locker room and just walk away from her, from everything…

* * *

One week turns into one month. I have lost all hope of ever getting back together with Catherine. After our fight in the locker room I didn't try to convince her she had it all wrong anymore. The guys still tried to get us back together, but eventually they too stopped trying. We are two really stubborn women and at the moment we are acting really childish too.

I still had bad mood swings and the guys had been victim of them loads of times, they were Catherine's victims too but she seemed to handle the situation much better than I did. Seeing her like this made it easier for me to cope and after a while it became bearable. It still hurt I am not going to deny that but I learned to move on. Obviously Catherine had, so why wouldn't I do the same…

Grissom was a totally different matter, ever since I asked him out he acted all strange around me. I had not only lost my girlfriend with that stupid action but also my best friend. Catherine on the other hand seemed closer to him than ever before and I wondered if she did that just to piss me off. I know she can be a real bitch but I don't think she would use Grissom like that.

Speaking about Grissom he just told me I was being pulled off my case, because I had to help with a rush case. Apparently Warrick found evidence he wasn't supposed to because the warrant didn't cover that and now everybody has to help to find useable evidence. I am not too pleased with that but when I tell Grissom he tells me firmly it's not a negotiation, great just what I needed…

Nick told me if the boss asks something you have to do it without second thought, I like to differ but I decided to give up and just go to work. Luckily the car we needed to process was pancaked, at first I was angry about that too but now I could use the power tools and put all my anger into the car. I had a great time and it worked, we maybe even found something useful, white fibers of the 'invisible' towel.

As I was walking through the lab I saw Catherine talking to a female detective that worked the scene with her. They were acting pretty friendly, a bit too friendly for my liking. I felt my blood starting to boil again so I decided to go into a lab and have another look at some of the evidence. It's the only thing that can distract me enough, I notice the bed sheet hanging to the wall with photos of the scene next to it. A pair of fresh eyes…

I don't know how long I have been standing there, when Grissom enters the lab and asks if I'm checking his work. I tell him I'm just looking and he wants to know what I'm thinking so I start to explain how I think the wax got transferred onto the sheet. He has to pin me down and then he has to place his hands next to my sides. We are looking at each other when I realize how this would look for an outsider. _What if Catherine would walk past the lab…_

I step away from him and want to tell him about Catherine and me, 'Grissom, um I um wanted to talk to you about something.' then I realize I can't do that not now that our relationship is strained and I didn't really talk to him after the date incident.

'Go ahead.' He is waiting for me to say something. _Think Sidle, you have to come up with something._

'Well, you know, I applied for the promotion for the key position.' That was a close one…

He looks confused and I think he noticed the change, maybe I didn't pull it off quite as convincing as I thought, hopefully he just plays along. He nods 'Your application's on my desk.'

'About that … I, um ... I needed to know ...' I stop not sure of what to say next, actually this is something I wanted to talk about too, just not now. 'I ... I wanted to make sure, rather, that anything that happened or didn't happen between us won't be a factor.'

He looks lost, he doesn't have a clue what I am talking about, honestly I don't have a clue either. Yes I applied for the position, but Grissom is just not the person to let his emotions cloud his decision. He knows I'm aware of that and he knows I wanted to speak with him about something else. I have confused him and a confused Grissom is hard to deal with, he clamps up, I have to end this awkward situation fast 'Never mind, I … I shouldn't have said anything.'

He looks stunned and doesn't say anything, _Grissom don't do this to me_. I'm feeling embarrassed and want to get out of here as soon as possible, I smile at him 'I, um … I'm always over-talking around you.' Then I flee the lab.

Of course my torture does not end… I run flat into Catherine. I mutter an honest apology and walk quickly away, but I see what she's looking at. _Oh no, she looking at the lab I came from and she is going to see a flustered Grissom just standing there, still trying to figure out what happened. Damn I'm doomed!_

* * *

**_Thanks for reading! I promise you it will get better...if I get my reviews!_**


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: **_**This is a long chapter (a gift for my readers) :-)! I'm not going to say much about it, that would ruin the fun. This chap is based on episode 8 of season 4 (After th****e show)...enjoy!**_

**Immi - _Rest assured I'm not a GSR-fan either, in fact I loathe the whole idea... Thanks for the long review, I got your point. Sara and Catherine are immature and irrational now but that will change. I'm not going to tell you what I have in store for them and how and when they get together again, but they will... It's just a matter of time and I'm following canon...but don't worry, I'll fix it ;-)! _**

* * *

**Chapter 30 **

I'm lying on my couch with a killer headache, the case eventually is solved, turned out we had the wrong guy but it's not the case that gave me this headache. It's all the trouble I got myself into in less than 24 hours. Grissom is going to think I'm a nutcase and Catherine… well I just managed to confirm all her fears. _I am so stupid, I should have said something, anything…_

I get up and walk over to my medicine cabinet and pull out something to make this headache go away. I stumble into my bedroom and fall onto my bed, I immediately doze off. I took enough pills to knock a horse out. I have a dreamless sleep which is all the better, with the exception of the wake up call... A piercing sound reaches my ears, I give my alarm a couple of slams until I realize it can't be my alarm because I didn't set it.

I grab my phone and answer it still a bit groggy 'Sidle.'

_'Sara, you are late and we have a case. Where are you?_'

It's Catherine and she sounds concerned, the sound of her voice like this is enough to wake me up completely. 'Hi, everything okay. I took something for my headache this morning, guess I took too much.'

'_Oh good…_' she sounds relieved and I smile to the phone. '_Now get your ass over here, I covered for you but I don't think I can continue much longer. Grissom is becoming suspicious.'_

My smile only gets bigger, she covered for me although it's somewhat strange I get a fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach. 'Thanks and Cath…' I almost tell her I love her 'I'll be there in no time.' I close off the phone and get into the shower.

In a matter of minutes I am leaving my apartment and heading towards HQ.

* * *

Catherine is leaning against her car, waiting for me I believe. I park my car and walk over to her, I want to pull her into a hug and kiss her. Having to hold back is hurting me physically and mentally, it feels like someone just tore my heart out and replaced it with a nest of fire ants. I swallow round the lump in my throat and greet her.

She surprises me even more when she doesn't give me a hard time, not even a glare. She smiles at me and gets in her car. I get in without a word and we drive to the scene in almost complete silence, Catherine started to fill me in apparently we have a suspect for the abduction of Julie Waters. We also process the scene almost in absolute silence, occasionally we share what we found or think.

Back at the lab, Nick and I show Catherine the photos we took when we processed Julie Waters' place, the missing girl. We tell her nothing was missing, so it is most unlikely she left on vacation or something. When Catherine asks about her purse I look at her, we lock eyes and get lost in the moment. _I want you back._ Catherine's phone breaks the moment. It's Brass telling us we have a little problem, our suspect tried to kill himself in the interrogation room.

When he is stitched up, Brass decides it's time to talk to him. He's not even paying attention to us. When Brass mentions something about it, the suspect asks for Catherine. I don't like the look he got in his eyes when he mentioned her. If Brass wasn't there I would have threatened him with my gun to leave her alone and stay as far away from her as possible. I just sit there, giving him a death glare, I don't think he noticed.

Well Mr. Howard Delhomme got what he asked for, Catherine. He took us all out into the dessert, he told Catherine that's where the girl would be. So now we're walking here, looking for any kind of evidence or disturbance. I know he is just playing a game with us, he just wants to be close to Catherine. This guy is sick, I'm keeping an eye on him the whole time, fortunately I'm wearing sunglasses so nobody notices.

I think Catherine is as sick as he is, because she actually plays along! _What is her deal?_ I honestly don't know… the sun is setting and as I predicted we haven't found anything. I ask Grissom if he thinks this is logical, a suspect picking his own criminalist dragging her out for nothing. Grissom as always wants to see good in everything and he doesn't really answer my question. _Damn I hate Howard!_

Mr. Delhomme is brought back to the station. _Thank God, this was just a total waste of time! _The officer not too gently pushes him into the police car, I like that I would have done the same thing if I had the opportunity. Catherine however thinks otherwise 'Hey, uh … we need him in one piece.' _Again__…w__hat__ is her problem?_

Then they engage in a staring fest, I am going to be sick. Maybe we should speak with the sheriff and hire a room for those two then they can do whatever they want but at least I don't have to watch them. Nick clearly agrees with me when I hear him say something about this guy being nuts.

'Well, until we find the body, he is all the evidence we've got.' She has an explanation for everything so it seems.

'We don't even know if he did it.' I can't hold back any longer.

'Oh, I've got a good feeling about this.' That's rich! My blood is boiling and my head is feeling like it might explode any time now. I can try as I might my anger is winning and I just speak my mind.

'So does the suspect. The only reason that we're out here today on this wild goose chase is because he wanted to hang out with you.' I don't care if she hears the jealousy in my voice, I don't care if she sees the wrath in my eyes, I don't care if we have a fight about this, I just don't care! 'It's weird.'

She looks at me with disbelieve in her eyes 'Believe me, I'd rather follow the evidence, but if it takes having the evidence follow me ...'

Nick feels the tension building and decides to end our argument by telling Grissom _we_, meaning him and me, should work this case because we worked it long before Catherine was involved. Catherine pulls rank and I can't help but hate her at the moment. Grissom chooses Catherine's side, like I expected him to. I just leave 'Fine.' without saying another word, knowing all too well if I would say something I would most definitely get fired.

* * *

Back at the lab I find out Greg is helping Catherine, I know her she didn't do this to piss us more off but because she is too stubborn and too proud to ask for our help. Nick and I look into other girls that are either missing or murdered. I try to talk to him about it, but he has already forgiven Cath until I tell him she's got Greg helping her. But then he says something about Greg gaining experience. _Nicky boy do you really believe I think you're okay with it…_

We discover one of the murdered girls was also a model and guess who one of her photographers was, yes indeed Howard Delhomme. Nick and I walk to a lab with a computer in it, maybe we can figure out where Howard has been with the rental car. Not long after we got there, Catherine walks in holding a file. She needs our help and now she comes back… I am not going to let her off the hook just like that.

She says hi, but we don't acknowledge her, we continue working. 'How's it going?' she didn't come here to ask that, she wants to know if we're okay. We're not and I immediately let her know that 'Your case. You tell us.'

She expected that, but decides to let it slide. She informs us on how many miles Delhomme drove with the car and what he did along the way, I put all the info in the computer trying to map out where he has been. Catherine keeps glancing at me, wanting to make eye contact silently pleading me that everything is okay. But I pretend to not notice this, I think she knows that but it hurts her all the while.

We are lucky, we discover where he went… same place the other dead model washed up. And… we find the body of Julie Waters there also.

* * *

I walk into the break room, I really need coffee. I am fixing myself a cup, I brought a trash can back with me to the lab and now I need to find Catherine. I empty my cup and go looking for her. Last time I checked she was working in a lab with Archie, she still is…

'Cadet got a hit off a trash can. I brought it in. You want me to get Greg?' it's stronger than myself…

She rolls her eyes 'Archie, let me know when you've got these printed up.' Then she leaves with me to process the trash can.

We find a lot of interesting things, a lot of headshots, her clothes, tissues used to clean her, … Catherine discovered he told a couple of lies.

'Here's our big lie. Delhomme said when she injured her earlobe, she was in her underwear and she was barefoot.' She shows me the blood stains on Julie's stockings.

'I think Howard's been lying to you.' I look at her, making eye contact. Showing the meaning of my words, after all she doesn't like liars… she thinks I lied to her and see how she threats me. I am enjoying this far too much.

She stares at me, I see understanding in her eyes and a little guilt. Wow, I didn't know she was capable of having that sentiment. She opens her mouth to say something but I'm not ready to have that conversation, not now not here. 'Let's see how the blood got on her stocking', I take the useful evidence we found in the trash can with me and walk into a different lab. Catherine silently agrees and follows me.

'Okay so what did you have in mind?'

'You tell me, you're the blood spatter analyst.' I attempt not to smirk.

She just looks at me then rolls her eyes, she does that lovely thing with her tongue that makes me blush. Every time she does that I remember how much pleasure her tongue gave me. 'Well, he told me she wasn't standing when her ear started to bleed, I think she did. Now all we have to do is prove it.'

* * *

I am looking at the receipt I found in Julie's bag, while Catherine now wearing shorts is trying on a pair of stockings. '$65?' _Who spends so much on a pair of stockings???_

'Capital investment. Our victim hadn't made it to the show yet. Her life was all about after the show. The right guy, the right meal, and after that ...'

I am swabbing the inside of her shoes to see if there's blood in them, Catherine tries to explain to me why she spent $65 on stockings. Well I can't imagine to do something like that, according to Catherine she was screwing her way to the top. I can't understand why women choose that kind of life, like the only thing we're good at is sex and using our sexuality. Such women make real women and women emancipation seem like one big joke. No wonder we still have to fight to be equal to men, we have come a long way but real equality is still something that exist in our fantasies. Look at the number of female presidents we have had… 'It's a tough way to get ahead.' I state critically.

'Did your father ever tell you you were pretty?'

What does that have to do with this case… Why did she bring up my father… Of course Catherine doesn't have an idea, she doesn't know my past or what kind of man my father was. I honestly don't know if he ever said I was pretty, maybe once or twice. Mostly he told me I was ugly and no one would ever want me then he would beat me for being ugly or just because he felt like it. I don't want to go there, I shrug 'I guess.'

Catherine continues 'He ever tell you you were smart?'

Again what does this have to do with our investigation? This one is a lot easier, of course he told me I was smart, then he beat me because I was too smart. It always gave him a reason to hit me. 'Yeah' I answer, sounding beat.

Once more Catherine continues 'So, it probably never occurred to you that you wouldn't be successful.' Of course it didn't occur to me, I promised myself I would do anything in my power to get away from that place and never become like my parents. I would rather kill myself. I only nod. 'If all you ever hear is that you're gorgeous, you can let everything else fall away, and it can leave you in a very dangerous place.' I give Catherine a quick questioning look then return to swabbing the shoes and testing them for blood.

Catherine knows something is going on inside my head but she knows now is not the time nor the place to discuss it. 'Okay, the bloodstain on the top of the foot is round. Gravitational. On the bottom of the foot, it's smeared.'

Both swabs showed no signs of blood 'There's no blood on these. She wasn't wearing them.'

'The only way we can get this guy is if the evidence counters every one of his lies.' She states while taking a sample of the blood, she holds it up to the area of her ear and releases a single drop to fall directly on top of her foot. 'That matches the drop on the top of her stocking. Separate bloodstain. Separate drop.' She releases a second drop onto the covered floor then steps on it. She lifts her foot to show me the smeared stain on the bottom of the stocking.

'She was standing.' _That makes him a liar again!_

* * *

We are going through some of the photos taken right before she died. Nick walks in and informs us he found something on the double exposure. We follow him to the AV-lab there he shows us the different odometers. I conclude that maybe if the car's different the naked body is also from a different victim. Catherine decides to check the photos of the autopsy to compare bodies.

'Uh, why don't you guys take a break.' Catherine is starting to get uncomfortable. Nick and Archie immediately leave the lab, I don't.

'Uh, it's okay. These photos don't bother me.'

'They bother me.' she says coldly. What is it with this case! Although I don't like it one bit, I get up and leave making sure I send her my best death glare.

I grab a lab coat and decide to process everything we found to see which foreign object he used to rape her with. A couple of minutes later Catherine walks in.

'Well?' I don't even try to be friendly, I had it with Catherine and her behavior.

She informs me the naked pictures weren't of Julie then she wants to know what I came up with.

'Nothing. Absolutely nothing. If he raped her with a foreign object, it's not on this table.' I turn back to the last object I need to process. 'Do you want me to leave you alone so you can do it yourself?'

She glances at me with disbelieve visible on her features. 'Look, the entire lab didn't need to see pictures of Julie's vagina plastered all over the screen.'

'So, Nick and I are the whole lab now? That's not it, Catherine, and you know it.' She really thinks I don't have a clue of what's going on. She is clearly having a hard time with this case, I don't know exactly why but if she would explain it to me I could start to understand. Instead she chooses to act like everything is okay and she gives me mixed signals, she should know by now I absolutely loath that!

'I saw the look in Howard's eye. I used to make my living off that look. He wanted me. We needed him. I decided to exploit that situation. And as angry as that made you, when you're in my shoes, you'll do the same thing.' I'm glad she notices I am angry about that, but I don't agree with her last comment, she knows how I think about using people or letting people use you. I'll never do the same thing.

Catherine opens the gun case, I tell her I already checked it. She stares at the empty case and a thought hits her 'We're looking at the wrong evidence. His initial arrest was for brandishing a firearm.'

When we have the results Catherine went back to the interrogation room and I walk towards the locker room, my work is done we nailed the bastard! I don't feel like doing paperwork, I just pulled a double all I want to do now is go home. Nick has the same idea because he's already in, he smiles at me clearly happy we nailed that guy and it's all over for now. Catherine walks in and looks at me. Nick senses the tension 'Bye Sara. Bye Catherine. See you tonight.' Then he leaves us.

I open my locker without paying attention to Catherine. 'Look Sara, I know you're still mad at me and I don't blame you. I know you would never do what I did, that makes you special and I like that… I really need to know if we're okay and I really need to talk to you.'

'I don't know, Catherine. Let me go home now and think about, I'll call you when I wake up.' It pains me to see how much Catherine is hurting right now, but I don't have any energy left. We have a lot to talk about and I'm not ready to do that right now, the only thing I need is my soft bed and sleep, lots and lots of sleep.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading... Talk is good, isn't it? Now the question is: when will they finally talk and how will it turn out???   
**_


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: _It's a bit sooner than usual, but I'm pretty sure no one will mind ;-). So, the talk..._**

* * *

**Chapter 31 **

Sleep is clearly overrated, after 4 hours I wake up although I'm well-rested I doubt 4 hours is enough to cover the amount of time I worked last shift. It doesn't matter now, I'm up and there's no way I will be able to sleep more. I try to remember if I dreamt something, but my mind is blank. I take a long hot shower and make myself some breakfast, then I decide it's time to call Catherine. I still don't know if I'm up to it, but it's no use to keep dwelling on it.

'_Hi' _comes the tired response on the other end.

'Did you sleep at all?'

'_Does it really matter…'_

'Maybe not, but perhaps I should call you later and let you try to get some sleep.'

'_The reason I didn't sleep, is you.' _She senses my discomfort at her statement, so she adds '_I didn't mean it like that, I was too nervous to sleep. I didn't know if you would call and it kept me awake.'_

'Oh…' how very illiterate.

'_Sara, could you please come over? I want to see you, I need to…see you.'_ It breaks my heart to hear her like this.

'Give me fifteen minutes.'

* * *

Ten minutes later I knock at her door, she doesn't look surprised she knew it wouldn't take me a whole fifteen minutes. She lets me inside, I look around but don't see Lindsey which I find a bit sad because I really miss the little squirt and it's been a while since I saw her.

'Where's Linds?'

'Oh she's with Nancy, Jeremy wanted to go to the park and Nancy asked me if Linds could come too.'

'I miss her.' I lock eyes with Catherine and she understands the underlying meaning of my words.

'She misses you too.' She says meaning every word of it, her statement has the same underlying meaning as mine. 'You want coffee or something?'

'I'm fine.' I walk over to the couch and sit down.

She's unsure whether she should join me on the couch or sit somewhere else. I put her out of her misery 'You know, you can still sit next to me.'

She smiles and sits down, a little closer than I anticipated but I'm okay with it. She looks at me and takes a deep breath 'We have been really stupid, I have been really stupid…' she trails off, I don't say anything I give her some time to come up with the words she has wanted to say for who knows how long. 'I shouldn't have reacted the way I did when you told me. I should have spoken with you about it. I should have done a lot of things different, but I know saying I regret them has no use.'

She sighs and continues 'I now know you didn't mean it like that, you don't love Grissom the same way you love me. I guess I always knew that, but something in me snapped. I thought you were just using me to get back at Grissom, then I realized how stupid that thought was considering he doesn't even know about us.'

'It took you long enough…' I didn't mean to sound harsh.

'Oh Sara, I don't know what came over me. I felt insecure, I thought … I don't know what I thought… I know only one thing' she looks me straight in the eye 'I love you.'

She doesn't let me say anything, she looks lost 'Let me finish, otherwise I'll lose the courage to do this.' I nod and she goes on 'I want to give us a second chance, do you still want me?'

That wasn't what I was expecting, I don't know the answer. On the one hand I have longed to hear her say those words, but on the other I'm not sure if I can still do this. I love her, no doubt about that and a part of me still wants her… but and yeah this is a big but… I need someone whom I can trust and who trusts me. Catherine evidently didn't trust me enough, I know her history with relationships, we all have our histories but that doesn't explain why she acted like a total bitch. She could have ignored me at first but at least she should have heard me out when I wanted to talk to her. Everything always has to go like she wants it, I am not the kind of person to just let her walk all over me whenever she feels like it. I have been violated enough in the past, I can't take anymore of that.

I have been quiet for too long, when I look at Catherine I see tears running down her cheeks. I gently wipe them away and kiss her on the lips, the kiss is soft but deep I lose myself in it for a moment until I realize I still haven't told her anything, I pull away and lock eyes with her 'Cath, I love you too. I'll always love you, you are my everything.' she looks so happy and I don't know where I got the ability to do what I'm about to do next 'I still want you, I didn't want anything more in the world than to be happy with you and make you happy.' I sigh 'I just can't… not as long as you don't trust me like I need you to. I'm so sorry.'

I give her a quick peck on the cheek and leave… tears are freely running down my cheeks and my heart is broken but I did what I had to do.

* * *

'Hi, I'll be there in a few. Is she ready?'

_'Yeah, she is already waiting for you.'_

'Better hurry then, we know how she gets when she has to wait. Bye.'

_'Bye.'_

I start the engine of my car and drive to Catherine's, Lindsey and I are having our fun-day. It's basically me and her doing lots of stuff together. Sometimes we go to the park, sometimes the arcade, today we are going to the movies and afterwards we're going to eat pizza. I arrive and she comes bouncing out of the house, she practically jumps in the car.

'Hey squirt, how are you doing?' she rolls her eyes at me calling her squirt but I know she likes it.

'Fine, now can we go…' she asks in an exasperated tone.

'Hold your horses, let me say hi to your mom first.' She rolls her eyes again and nods, indicating to go ahead but make it fast. Every year she's turning more and more into a little Catherine.

I step out of the car and walk towards the front door, Catherine stands there watching us. The closer I come the more she just watches me. When I'm standing in front of her, she smiles and gives me a kiss. 'Hi.' She says smiling widely.

'Hi yourself, did she give you a hard time?'

'You know how she gets.'

'Yeah.' I sigh 'We'll be back around seven, in time to get her ready before Nancy arrives.' And making sure Catherine get some time to spend with her daughter too.

'Great. It's your turn to drive us to work today, don't forget.'

'How could I? And it's just a movie and pizza so I won't be too tired.' I smile at her.

'Saaarrraaa, how long can it take to say hi…' Lindsey whines from the car.

'Guess I have to go.' I turn around and walk over to my car.

I look in the rearview mirror making eye contact with Lindsey 'You know patience is a virtue.' She mumbles a whatever and I smirk at myself. I start the car and so our fun-day starts.

Since Cath and I talked we have been slowly building up a friendship again, our feelings are still high and sometimes we 'accidently' brush against each other or stare too long, getting lost in the other one's gaze. It's me who put a hold on the relationship and I'm doing my very best to keep it that way until I am sure we can continue. But it's a lot harder than I imagined, we avoid to be alone with each other scared of what might happen if we are alone.

Because I really missed Lindsey I decided to take her one day a week on a fun-day, we decide together what we will do that day and enjoy it as much as possible. Lindsey is not glad we broke up, especially since she doesn't know the reason. I told her about our issues she's too young to understand it fully but she had a right to know. Sometimes she tries to talk me into staying the night, she's not blind she has noticed the tension between her mother and me. It amazes me how much she really knows for her age, luckily we always came up with a reason for me to go. But some day we won't find anything to come up with…

* * *

_**You want more...and you want it fast??? GIVE ME REVIEWS!!! I admit: I'm a review-addict. Mwuahahaha! ;-)  
**_


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: _Whenever you think everything will turn out good, I'm here to tell you it doesn't..._**

* * *

**Chapter 32**

Of course when my personal life is going up, at work something is bound to be going down. I have feared this moment to come, but today it's there. We worked a case about a young girl being murdered in her own house and her boyfriend being chopped up and put in trash cans all over the neighborhood. The killer managed to wash away all evidence, Grissom spent three days looking for a speck of proof only to come up empty-handed. It's the same Grissom that has been acting really weird around me for three days, at first I was confused until I saw the victim. She looked so much like me, it could have been my long lost sister but still that doesn't explain why he has been acting this strange.

It all becomes clear when I hear him tell the suspect what he feels about me. I assume he didn't expect me to be watching the interrogation, when his words register realization comes crashing down on me. _Oh my God… he really loves me!_ No wonder he rejected me, he didn't know what to do about his feelings, the age difference scared him. I have been so stupid, I gave him hope I made him think he could have a chance with me. I broke his heart! I'm the one he trusts with all his heart and soul and I betrayed him.

It feels like the walls are closing in on me and I have a hard time breathing, I have to get out of here. For a moment my legs let me down, they're shaky and don't want to move. When I finally manage to kick some life in them, I run and don't look back. A couple of lab techs give me an awkward look, but I just keep on running. _What have I done? Did Catherine know__ this?_

I open my front door not knowing how I got home, I walk over to the fridge and grab a beer. The cool bitter liquid immediately calms me down, I grab another one and walk over to my couch. I don't stop drinking until I become numb and pass out.

I open my eyes, my body feels sore and I have the feeling a marching band is walking inside my cranium. When my vision clears I see a trail of empty beer bottles, I also see I'm lying on the floor next to the couch, seems like I didn't reach it in time before passing out. _Damn, why did I drink so much? Maybe I should have talked to Grissom, maybe I still can… who are you kidding, you're a coward!_ I know I'm right, I won't talk to Grissom, I just can't… I need something to clear my mind, no not beer if I have one more beer I'll throw up. Work! If I work hard and long enough it makes me as numb as three…four…five…six…seven beers. _Did I really drink that much?_

* * *

Goodbye Sara and welcome Dark Sara, oh yeah she's back. I have buried myself in my work again and it's ruining my life, of course I am totally oblivious to it. It's been seven months since Cath and I broke up, six months ago I started my fun-day thingy with Lindsey and I hadn't missed a single time. Well a month and a half ago I started to occasionally come up with any kind of excuse to miss it. Catherine knew something was wrong with me and she tried to talk with me, I acted all evasive and told her everything was fine.

It's not, I'm still feeling guilty about Griss and I will continue to feel this way until I talk to him. Knowing myself that is not going to happen any time soon. Sometimes work is not enough to keep me numb so I have a beer or two at breakfast. Honestly beer became my breakfast since last week. I don't have a drinking problem, my parents had a drinking problem. It just helps me to sleep better or to sleep at all. When you have a drinking problem you drink to make you feel better until it doesn't work anymore but you still keep drinking because you convince yourself it still does make a difference or if you stop you'll die.

I don't want to feel better, nothing can make me feel better and least of all alcohol can. I don't deserve to feel better, not when I treat people like shit. I finish my beer and head for my bed, sleep first then get ready and go to work. Somebody has a sick sense of humor, after only half an hour my cell rings. It's Grissom, we have a high profile case and everybody is needed. _Great, if anyone smells my breath they'll start to give me a hard time about that too._

I search frantically for some cough drops, seems like I have only a couple left, where are the others… well no time to worry about them got a case to go to.

I'm popping cough drops in my mouth like tic-tac's, I even refused to share them with Nick. Later on when I thought I could enjoy a delicious cup of Greg's coffee in complete solitude, Brass talked to me about his drinking problem. Apparently somebody noticed I was popping them without actually being sick. It's nice he cares, but I don't deserve this I tell him I had a couple of beers with breakfast and that's why I needed the drops. He doesn't fully believe me although I'm telling the truth.

Maybe I should give up on the beers, I don't really need them if I don't sleep, fine then I'll just have to work harder to make sure I'm tired enough when I get home. That'll work too, at least then Brass doesn't have to worry about me and I don't have to worry to be called in early. Just when I promise myself I will stop, something makes sure I don't give up that easily.

'Hi Sara, can we talk?'

'Sure Cath.'

'Well… I don't know where to start really.'

'Just start at the beginning…' I smile reassuringly at her.

'I met this guy…and um…he kinda likes me and well…I… um…'

'You like him too.' I help her.

'Yeah, I … I don't know how serious my feelings are but I really need some…' Wow if she finishes that sentence I'm not sure what's going to happen.

'I get the picture, why do you tell me?' she looks lost 'If you want my _approval_, I am not going to give it to you, but… you are a grown woman if you want to date this man, go ahead I won't hold you back.' Her expression changes from lost to hurt. _Wasn't she the one who came in here to ask my approval?_

She puts on a nice top for her date I guess, when she's fully dressed she turns to me 'You sure about this?' _This is your last chance, Sidle. Stop her!_

'Wow, you look gorgeous. Now go! Don't keep him waiting.' She looks disappointed but it's too late to change anything about that, the damage is done. My self-destructive side once more got the better hand of me. She gives me one last smile and then disappears, I don't go after her, I just stare at the now empty space by the door. _I think I'll have a beer for breakfast._

* * *

I'm lying in the grass looking up at the clear blue sky, it's so peaceful. I feel a small weight adjusting itself on my stomach, I run my fingers through her golden locks and check if she's still okay. She smiles at me silently telling me she just needed to shift her body a bit.

'Can I ask you something?'

'You can ask me anything.'

'Why did you lie?'

'What?' I ask puzzled.

'Don't play dumb, Sara. You have been avoiding our fun-days, you always tell mom you have something to take care off but I don't think that's true.'

Who could have guessed a small girl can be this smart when it comes to people, she definitely inherited more from Catherine than just her looks and behavior. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.'

'But still you did.' She looks at me with a sad face. 'Is it because mom started to date that man?'

I never knew a child could make me feel this guilty, I should have known better than to lie to her. 'Well…it's difficult.' I sigh deeply.

'Try me.' her expression is serious and for a moment she looks like an adult.

'No that's not the only reason, I hurt someone pretty badly and now I can't stop feeling awfully guilty about it. I should just talk to this person, but I'm a coward.' This kid should really do something in the law enforcement branch, no way a suspect can lie to her.

'You're not a coward, Sara. We both know that.'

I smile at her, it's a small smile but it's there. I wish I could tell her I feel the same way but then I would lie again. 'Now what did you want me to ask?'

'Have you met this guy? What do you think of him?'

'Honestly I don't think I'm in the position to say something about that…' she doesn't let me finish.

'Sara, I don't care for grownup principals. Just tell me have you met him?'

'No. So I'm in no position to tell you what I think of him. Why, something's wrong?'

'Yeah, I hate him! I think he's a jerk! Last week he picked mom up from work and she just forgot all about me. I know she doesn't get to see him much, her work - his work - me, but she doesn't love him!'

'What makes you think she doesn't love him.' I know Catherine doesn't, but I want to hear her theory.

'You know when you and mom were a couple, she always had a twinkle in her eyes, she was always happy. She danced and sang and it was like she was living on a cloud, we still had arguments and she was still mad at me. But at least that meant she cared, now she's just moody all the time. She doesn't have the twinkle, she doesn't sing nor dance. She misses you and she lets that man use her.'

I am in total awe, no way she is just twelve! This must be the most observant kid I have ever met. 'I don't like it when you talk about your mother like that. Linds I'm sure she has her reasons, it takes time to fall in love with someone. I'm sure your mom doesn't let anyone use her.'

'Then you obviously don't know her. You should see her, Sara. Why don't you come back to us? You still love my mom, I know you do. I see the way you look at her. Please, come back.' She starts to cry softly and it breaks my heart.

I sit up and hug her, I rub her back in a soothing manner. 'Hey kiddo, I wish it was that easy, but it's not. I am not going to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear. But I promise you this, I'll talk to your mom about Chris.'

'Thanks Sara, I love you.'

'Love you too.'

* * *

_**Now give me reviews!!! **_


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: _Why did Sara DUI? This is my take on the event... If you want more, start reading _****_then_****_ :-)!_**

* * *

**Chapter 33 **

I stopped using beer to sleep, things slowly became normal again. I have spoken with Catherine about Chris and the little one was right, I'm also sure she doesn't love him. But she seems happy about having someone around, if she's happy I'm happy. Grissom and I are working great together, but we still haven't talked yet. I mean about his feelings.

I still blame myself but less and less with each passing day, I'm making plans to ask him out again. Only this time not on a date, just so we can talk. I need to explain him why I asked him out and I need to tell him how I feel about him and have always felt. Maybe I'll even tell him I'm gay, we shall see.

I met Chris, I don't like him either. I didn't show it, Catherine was nice enough to invite me over for dinner with her, Chris and Lindsey. I think Lindsey made her or maybe she wanted to show me she and Chris don't have what we had. I had to remind her a couple of times, she was seeing Chris instead of me and I was amused when I saw the jealous look on Chris's face. _Jerk!_ I believe Catherine forgot to mention I am the ex-girlfriend she's still in love with. Not that it matters.

After dinner Lindsey dragged me into her bedroom and asked me all about Chris. I told her the truth in PG terms and we started to make fun of him and his weird face. Chris just doesn't have what it takes to make Catherine tick. He might be nice, but I doubt he is able to satisfy her. I would be surprised if he actually managed to make her climax just once. Of course I don't tell Lindsey this. I have to admit I'm having a great time.

I started to enjoy life again until I learned Grissom recommended Nick for the promotion, the fact itself doesn't bother me, but the fact he didn't even tell me personally does! I thought we were friends, okay I confess I made a big mistake everyone is tired of hearing me rant about it, I myself am sick and tired of it… how could he? He is always the first I go to when I have a problem, mostly only work related _does it matter_… A promotion is work related, isn't it? Why didn't he tell me and why didn't he tell me the reason. I just got a lot of uh's and ah's and um's then he walked away.

Forget sleep, I need beer!

* * *

'Would you just listen to me, please?' 

'No I won't listen to you, Sara. You are in no position to tell me to end things with Chris.'

'I know I'm not but I wouldn't tell you this unless I had a reason.' She won't listen to me I can try as I might, she will just think I'm jealous.

'A reason, ha and what reason might that be…jealousy perhaps.' _What did I tell you_…

'Believe me Catherine, I am not jealous.' I regret saying those words the minute they leave my lips. I see the look on her face and I know I'm in trouble, this is so not good.

Her jaw clenches and she stares at me, she's trying to kill me with her eyes at least that's the feeling I get. 'Nice. How stupid of me to think you actually cared.'

'I do care about you, but jealousy is not the reason I'm telling you to be careful with this man.' Anger is starting to surface in me, I hate it when she turns a serious conversation into a laughing stock.

'Save your efforts for someone that can be bothered with them. I date whomever I choose to date, I asked you some time ago if that would be a problem for you and you told me to go ahead and don't keep him waiting. Now, you're telling me to stay away from him. Perhaps you should get a life of your own.' Her tone is harsh and her words cut me like knives.

'Perhaps you should be a bit more picky about the men you choose to date, then _I_ wouldn't be standing here to tell _you_ to be careful.' I feel her hand connect with my cheek and it takes me a minute to realize what happened, she hit me!

'YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO CALL ME A SLUT!!!' she is furious, but not as furious as I am. She's right I shouldn't have said it the way I did, but I didn't mean it like that. I touch my cheek, it still stings… no matter what I said, she doesn't have the right to hit me.

I push her vehemently against the lockers, she comes in contact with them pretty harsh. Nobody has the right to touch me like that, my blood is boiling and for a moment I want to hurt her badly. I look at her and shout 'DON'T. EVER. HIT. ME. AGAIN!' I'm startled by the tone of my own voice, it's intimidating and almost a growl. She's afraid of me, good! I turn around and walk away. I am beyond angry, I'm even beyond furious, I wanted to hurt her… my stomach tightens and I feel nauseous. I take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself, my heart beat which was dangerously fast diminishes a bit. I close my eyes to prevent my head from spinning this fast.

'Sara, you okay?' Nick's concerned voice surprises me.

'Yeah I guess.' He puts an arm around my shoulder and looks at me, his eyes are filled with concern.

'I think I know what you need… a drink.'

I smile at him, a drink sounds very good. 'Let's go.'

* * *

We're walking along the sidewalk when Warrick asks us if we want to get something to eat. I'm a bit tired and I don't think I will be able to eat, I tell the guys I'm going to call it a night. Warrick says bye and leaves Nick and me alone. He's such a great guy, always looking out for his friends. Since I learned he was recommended for the promotion I have been avoiding him, I didn't even congratulate him. He definitely noticed the change in me, still he forgave me and was worried about me when he saw me back at the lab. 

I congratulate him with his almost promotion, although it still hurts me. He knows this all too well and makes a comment on it. I smile at him and walk away. I get into my car and start to drive home. All of a sudden I hear the siren of a police car, _uh oh I'm busted_. I get out of my car. I take the breath test without saying a word, I hand the officer my driver's license and registration. When he sees I'm a CSI he smiles at me.

'You blew .09, that's over the limit. But seeing your profession I'm going to cut you some slack. I'll just call your supervisor.' I remain silent not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

The officer brings me to the station and talks to Grissom, when he's done Grissom walks over to me. His eyes are full of love, care and worry. I know he blames himself, but I'm the one to blame not him. He takes my hand, I don't look at him I'm too ashamed of myself.

'Come on. I'll take you home.'

* * *

I didn't speak, I didn't look at him, I just absentmindedly followed him towards his car and then guided him to my apartment. He is sitting on the couch and I am sitting next to him, neither spoke. I stare at a fiber I discovered on my floor, I have been staring for so long that sometimes it seems to move or disappear. My mind is blank and my body is worn-out, my eyelids are heavy and if I would close my eyes I would immediately drift to sleep. 

Grissom is the first to move, he motions for me to lay down I obey him silently. His smile is the last thing I see before I drift off. I dream a lot of crazy things and a lot of familiar faces submerge in my sleeping mind. When I open my eyes after who knows how long I still feel drained. Grissom is still sitting in the exact same spot and is staring at something unknown to me.

'You still here?' I ask in a small voice.

Grissom is shocked by the sound of my voice, I suppose he was sleeping with his eyes open and is snapped out of his trance. He remains silent, he just looks at me and the corners of his mouth twist a bit.

I sit up straight and I sigh heavily, if I'm not going to start nobody will 'Thank you for taking care of me. That was sweet.'

'You looked so drained, it was best you slept first.' Then he sighs and visibly reflects on how to continue 'What's wrong with you, Sara?'

'I don't know, Griss. I…um…' it's better to just get this over with. 'I'm so sorry for what I put you through.'

He has no clue what I'm talking about, I roll my eyes at his totally perplexed face and have an instant urge to smirk at him, but under these circumstances it's better to not actually do that. I'll just continue, of course Grissom's brain has caught up with him as he remembers how to make his vocal cords produce sound 'It wasn't that much trouble…'

Isn't he just cute! I can't deny the grin that's slowly forming on my face 'I wasn't talking about this.' And I literally motion with my hand to indicate us sitting here, he bringing me home.

'Oh…' the ever articulate Grissom has spoken.

If I want to make him understand at once, I'll have to handle this as a talk about some case otherwise he will only keep staring and being incoherent. 'A while back we had a case about a young woman, the one with the enormous collection of butterflies. I'm sure you remember the case because you worked three days straight. Well, you acted all strange around me and I didn't know why. I could have asked you, but you would have waved it away. When the suspect was brought in for questioning I was looking in through the two-way mirror, hoping to get a hint of what bothered you…' I pause checking to see if he is still with me, he is I clearly see understanding dawn upon his face. 'I heard every single word you told that doctor and I instantly understood why you wouldn't go out with me when I asked you.'

He furrows his brow, he understands what I'm saying but he doesn't know how everything is connected. 'It pained me more than words can say, you're feelings for me run much deeper than affection, don't they?'

He nods. 'You know I love you too, but my feelings are only affectionate. I think you're intelligent, caring, cute even attractive and probably so much more...' He blushes when I say this, I roll my eyes again. 'But I will never have passionate feelings for you, I just wanted to make you happy. I missed you, I missed my best friend, I missed the man I could talk to for hours like we used to do and I had this crazy idea of starting a relationship with you. Also it would have made things much easier for me.'

'How would dating me make things easier?' Point taken, he still is my supervisor, I never thought about the consequences this would have on our professional lives.

'Call me crazy.' I smile at him and he returns it. 'I regretted I put you through the ordeal of acknowledging your feeling for me. You had been fighting your attraction for almost three years by the time I asked you out, no wonder you didn't know what to do about _this. _I didn't comprehend it, I thought you were just being you're closed-off self.' I don't tell him anything about the beers I needed to put myself to sleep and he doesn't ask about why I drove under influence.

'Hey don't regret it, what good ever comes of it? Still we have a little problem, as your supervisor I have to tell you you need to see a counselor. As a friend I'll tell you if there's anything don't hesitate to call me.'

I thank him and tell him every cloud has a silver lining. We still don't talk about the drinking, I don't want to and Grissom knows this. I'm glad I finally told him what was bothering me, now I can return to my 'normal' life again. My actions could have cost me my job, now they only force me to take some time off and to see a counselor, the latter is something I definitely dread but I have no choice. We say goodbye then I crawl into my bed for much needed sleep.

* * *

_**Like I told you, no GSR ;-)! Thanks for reading. **_

* * *


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N: _So Sara had a DUI in the previous chapter, this is what happens afterwards. Almost season 5 ;-)!_**

* * *

**Chapter 34 **

It's the official start of three weeks of forced vacation, I had expected a week off but three! What am I going to do with all that free time? I honestly don't have a clue. First I have to see a PEAP counselor, _great_ I force a smile on my face. I glance at the clock on my nightstand, my first day off and I'm already running late. _Damn!_ I really hate therapy sessions, all they ever do is forcing you to talk about yourself and resurfacing problems you dealt with long ago. They actually manage to make you feel worse in order to do more sessions, it's all about the money.

However I have to do this or I'll lose my job. _Nice, huh?_ I ring the doorbell and a buzzing sound grants me access to my shrink's house. I sit in the empty waiting room and glance at some magazines spread on a coffee table, I spot nothing worth reading so I stare at the cream-colored walls. Probably this color is supposed to have a soothing effect on the patients, well it doesn't work for me.

After some agonizing minutes my counselor steps into the waiting room and announces I can follow her inside. 'Sit down, Sara make yourself feel at ease.' _Easy talking for you, you haven't been forced to come here. _I sit down feeling as far from comfortable as it gets. 'I understand you are here because you drove under influence.' _If you know why I'm here, why do you need to bring it up. I hate this._

I nod. 'Okay, let's start at the beginning. When did you start to drink?'

'Um…when I was fifteen I guess, some friends were having a party with lots of alcohol.' I make fun of the situation on purpose, I know she wanted a different answer. But hey if I have to do this, why not have some fun… She's looking at me like I'm really dumb, I just smile at her.

'That's a good start, but I meant a bit more recent.' _Where do these people go to school? And what do they exactly learn there except some standard sentences they have to use during every session?_

I continue to play dumb 'Oh…let's see. Actually I didn't.'

'You didn't?' she furrows her brow.

'No, I had a DUI because I went for a drink after a tough shift, I forgot the limit was recently lowered so when they made me blow… it seemed I drank too much.'

She nods and stares at me like she is trying to figure me out. 'I see, I have the feeling you had a hard childhood, correct me if I'm wrong?' again one of the standard sentences. This statement is 7 out of 10 times a good one when asked to people who need a counselor.

'What does my childhood have to do with a DUI?' my defense mechanism kicks in action.

'Maybe everything maybe nothing. Did your parents have a history with drinking?' I don't like the course this conversation is taking.

'So what if they did?'

'Did they use violence when they were under the influence?' my parents and violence used in one statement is enough to build up my walls and make me clamp up. I haven't answered her question which only plays to her advantage, she knows she's right. 'Take your time, I know this is not easy.'

_Like she knows anything about it! _'Yes they were often violent, mostly when they were drunk or stoned.' _Is there some special force in this room, that makes people say stuff they don't want to say._

'I thought so, have you told anyone you work with about this?'

'No. Why should I?'

'Perhaps it makes things easier for you, helps you to cope with things you are bound to come across in your line of work.' Her face is sympathetic, just what I need someone who pities me. She knows I won't comment on that 'I think you should at least talk to your supervisor, talk about your parents. Make him understand.'

'Understand what? That I don't like these cases because when I go home I hear the victims' screams and wake up in cold sweats remembering my own parents… What good will that do? Besides I already told him how I feel about these cases, why does he need to know more?' I'm pacing frantically in front of the couch, I can't remember standing up. The room looks so much smaller than when I first came in, I want to leave. Why does she make me remember? The only thing I want more than to get out of here is a stiff drink, forget beer I need something a lot stronger. You see how these so called therapies only make you feel worse! Why would I want to share my deepest fears with a complete stranger, when I don't even tell my closest friends about them?

'I think this session is over.'

'Actually you still have ten minutes left.' Her face is full of care, I can't take it any longer. If she doesn't stop looking at me like that, I will puke my guts out.

'No it's over. Now!' With that I walk out of that place and drive home.

* * *

Four more sessions to go, if all of them end like the first did I will be in need of more than therapy. After the first it cost me two days to burry my demons again and when I finally managed it was time for the next one. I have decided to rearrange my sessions, now I have a session every day. I want this to be over with as soon as possible.

Finally it's Saturday, that means no more sessions I have completed them and I am more than cheerful about that. The other sessions ended better than the first one, because now I was prepared for her questions. I only answered the ones I wanted to and in the end she didn't manage to make me relive my worst nightmares. Instead she had some very interesting theories about me, funny when you consider the fact that she didn't even figure out I'm gay. According to my 'gifted' counselor I choose men who are emotionally unavailable, I'm self-destructive, I look for validation in inappropriate places and I don't have a drinking problem.

As far as I know only two out of four are correct, yes I have self-destructive tendencies and no I don't have a drinking problem. Luckily the sheriff pays for these sessions or I would have taken this to court. Today I woke up after another very bad dream covered in sweat, I can't deal with this alone. I can't talk to anyone here, because none of them knows about my past. I decide there and then what I have to do…

'Hi Cath, it's me.'

'_Sara, is everything alright?_'

'I wanted to apologize for the other day, you were right I can't tell you who you can date…I'm sorry.'

'_Please don't apologize, if anyone should apologize it's me I had no right to slap you, I'm so sorry._' She sounds sincere.

'The reason I called…um…I…I'm going to Frisco for a couple of weeks, so…' I don't need to finish my explanation.

'_Thanks for being so thoughtful, Sar. Have fun._' She knows better than to question my motivation, she just wishes me the best.

'Thanks, I'll call when I get there. Bye Cath.' I mentally add I'll miss you.

'_Bye Sara._'

* * *

_**Thanks for reading! **_


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N: _So here is the next one... It's definitely going better between those two :-)! And it's season 5!!! I've already written up until chapter 41 and next week we have a short vacation break thingy called krokusvakantie (translation: krokus crocus and vakantie vacation) :-D, which means I'll probably get to write a bit more. I hope that makes up for the fact that this one is rather short. Enjoy and thanks for the reviews! _  
**

* * *

**Chapter 35 **

I'm sitting on a bench in the locker room, feeling nervous. It's my first day back and I have listened to the advice of my counselor to talk with my supervisor. I'm rehearsing what I'm going to tell him, it's going to take a lot more courage than I have in me at the moment. I look in the mirror and see my skin is still a bit tanned from the Frisco sun.

Frisco was great, I spent most of my days there surfing and hanging out on the beach with some of my old friends. I talked with my 'mom' about my demons and she helped me deal and put them away again. I went to some great parties with a lot of booze and soft drugs, I stuck to the booze. I even managed to have some meaningless sex with some hot girls. For a moment I regret coming back to Vegas, but I'm tied to this place thanks to one person and I didn't even have the nerve to talk to her in person since my plane landed.

Back to rehearsing… I want to tell Grissom something about my parents, but what exactly and how will this effect our relationship. I'm interrupted by Greg and a woman I have never seen before, Greg informs me she's his replacement then he asks me how my time off was. I just tell him it was great seeing the look of discomfort or maybe boredom on Chandra's face. _She won't last a day_. Then they leave, I close my locker _enough rehearsing_ I take a deep cleansing breath and head out.

I haven't seen any of the guys and the break room is empty, I walk in and take a cup of coffee. Someone is stomping through the corridors headed for Grissom's office, it's Catherine and she is clearly not happy about something. I hear her shout something about her new office, but Grissom has no time to talk to her and before I even reach his office I see Catherine walking in the direction of the locker room getting ready to head out of here.

Then he hands Warrick his assignment, he pairs me up with Nick. Nick takes the assignment sheet and tells me he'll meet me there. Grissom tells Greg he's doing his final proficiency and Greg leaves with Chandra to get her installed. That leaves me and Grissom, my bravery has left me now I'm face to face with him. I ask him if we can talk and he asks me about my counseling sessions. Saved by the loud crash from the DNA lab, I tell Grissom we'll do this another time then I make a beeline for the locker room.

The case we worked was pretty funny although someone was dead I had a great time working with Nick, he tried to talk to me about why I took so much time off but I successfully turned our conversation about Chandra. He told me about his bet with Warrick, so I ask if he could cut me in. That earned me fifty dollars, because Warrick and Nick had placed a bet of a hundred and Warrick lost. I love Vegas! My first day back was a success and now I'm home eating something in front of the television until there's someone outside my door…

'Not who I expected.'

Catherine just walks in without saying a word, her puffy eyes tell me she has been crying and my grin immediately vanishes. 'What happened? Is Lindsey alright?'

'Yes, there's nothing wrong with her.' she sniffs.

'Okay what did he do? I swear if he …' she cuts me off mid-sentence.

'I walked in on him and one of the girls that works for him, that cheating son of a bitch!' she starts to cry again, I pull her into a hug and wait until she's all cried out. 'This is the part where you'll tell me _told you so.'_

'No, this is the part where I say, sorry you had to find out like that.' She hasn't stepped back, I'm still holding her close to me and it feels so good.

'Where are my manners…I didn't even ask you how you're trip was.'

'Hey forget courtesy, you just got hurt pretty badly.' She holds me closer, snuggling. 'I heard you got a new office or was it cupboard...' My attempt at humor is successful.

She laughs and rolls her eyes 'How come you know, I haven't seen you all shift.'

'I think the entire lab heard you rant about it to Grissom.' I smirk at her.

'He deserved that! Making me all pleased with the promise of a new office and afterwards giving me a cupboard.' For the first time she smiles, still holding me. She looks up to meet my eyes and sighs 'Why are you the first person I turn to?'

It's a rhetorical question however I answer 'Because I'm a good listener.' She rolls her eyes and points out it was rhetorical 'I know but I had this uncontrollable urge to tease you.'

'You make me happy. For a moment I thought I wouldn't be able to laugh in a long time until I saw you.' She pauses 'Can I stay here, I don't want to be alone.'

My head is screaming to say no when I open my mouth it tells her she can stay whenever she wants. So we walk towards my bedroom, change and lie down, resting in each other's arms. _I'm finally home._

* * *

**_I'm a good girl (updating on regular basis) so be a good person too and review... _**


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N: _Here is my next update. I know you all want/need them to get back together, heck I need it too. But there are still a couple issues I need to work around. So please, be patient for a little longer!_**

_**The words in italics are Sara's thoughts. Enjoy!**_

* * *

**Chapter 36 **

_Don't look at me like that, please… _Catherine steps closer towards me, her stare fixed on my eyes. _Oh no don't bite your lower lip…_ She looks me up and down, unmistakably checking me out in a most seductive way. _Not so close, please don't touch me. _Her hand runs up my arm ever so slowly, my breath hitches and my temperature increases with every inch of flesh she touches. I feel dizzy from her proximity, if she doesn't step away from me I'm going to kiss her senseless. I can already feel her lips on mine when vivid images run through my overactive mind.

'Are you coming down with a cold? You feel hot? Sara Sidle do you have a fever and still came to work?' _Cath you have no idea. _I keep staring at her, not able to move nor to speak. 'Oh no the cold already affected your larynx.' _You're so funny._

'I'm fine.' I squeak.

'Doesn't sound like you're fine.' She's smirking, she knows just what she's doing to me. I gulp audibly which did not go unnoticed. She licks her bottom lip and I almost faint from the overwhelming sensations running through me like a wild fire.

'You…have…to…stop…' I breathe out indistinctly. She stands on tiptoes bringing her lips closer to mine, my sharp intake of breath makes her eyes darken with desire. I feel her hot breath on my lips and know I'm lost.

'Cath, Sara you still in here? Everything okay?' _Damn Warrick and his bad timing._

Catherine immediately steps back, still looking at me like she's about to ravish me on the spot. 'Everything alright in here, isn't it Sara?' she shouts back at the door with Warrick behind it.

'Uhuh.' Is all I can bring out.

'I'm relieved to hear that…you weren't up to something um… incriminating at the workplace, were you?' we hear the big grin he's sporting through the tone of his voice.

'Actually I was just about to rip Sara's clothes off and ravish her with my hands and tongue until she screamed my name several times.' My knees give out on me and I land hard on my ass.

Warrick heard the bang and steps in with a troubled look, when he sees me he breaks out in laughter 'Cath, you should be ashamed of yourself. Look at her, I think she's going to faint.'

Cath is laughing until she's hiccoughing, then she grabs her sides. I assume they hurt from the way she was laughing. I don't see the amusement in the situation, she was about to kiss me. A kiss that would have lead to so much more, I don't care we're at work if she was going to ravish me she could just as well do it on the street see if I would give a damn. No way I would turn her down and deny my body endless pleasure.

I scowl at the both of them before standing up 'Funny, very funny.' my words are full of sarcasm. Catherine and Warrick immediately end their laughter looking at me with apologetic faces, then they take a quick look at each other and erupt into giggles. I roll my eyes and walk away from them.

This is how it has been for weeks, not the laughing but the thing between Cath and me. We have slowly but steadily grown closer to each other, we started our breakfast routine again, spent our nights off with each other and Lindsey. Sometimes we even seek each other's company with no apparent motive. We steal glances at one another when we think nobody notices, when we work together we touch each other a lot more than is necessary.

Last week I took her out on a date, we went for a long walk in the moonlight we enjoyed the food and the bottle of wine I brought with us and we talked. Afterwards we went to my place, I prepared a nice bath for her (she had to take it alone otherwise my narrative would become a little less PG) when she came out of the bathroom I gave her a foot-massage. The guys are hopeful that we might get back together like it should be according to them.

I don't quite know what's been holding us back but we haven't made any real steps towards a romantic relationship yet. Until today we have behaved in a totally appropriate manner, but our building desire for each other is beginning to make it difficult not to ravish the other on the spot.

Actually we have talked a lot about life, work and Lindsey but we haven't talked about us, not once. I have been trying to tell her I want her back, but something holds me back. Is it fear, I don't know. I don't think there's an actual reason for it, just me. I keep telling myself when the time is right… but so far it's never been right. I should have taken the opportunity when I still had a chance.

Ecklie who's been promoted to lab director has a sick sense of humor, he decided to break our team up. He has been after Grissom for as long as I can remember but can't find anything against him. So in a way of punishment or just pure cruelty he split us up. Catherine has been promoted to swing shift supervisor instead of day's like she applied for. Nick and Warrick work for her. That leaves Greg and me working for Grissom. And poor Sofia who had to run the inquiry against Grissom but couldn't find any incriminating evidence has been demoted and has to join our team.

Catherine is furious when she learns about the change, this means she will be able to spend even less time with her daughter and of course with me. I don't know how we're going to manage but somehow we will. _Don't make promises you can't keep._ In some way I feel responsible for the split-up, we never had the conversation about my therapy and I knew Ecklie would benefit from even the smallest piece of wrongdoing on Grissom's part. Grissom told me I should never have to cover for my boss and it made me feel a little better.

My Catherine-time has been reduced to a couple of hours a week, I can't take her away from the little time she spends with Lindsey and when they manage to do something together I'm either sleeping or working. I sometimes see her in the lab, but not more than a couple minutes, when we're really lucky we have time to say hi otherwise we just get to nod and smile. I can't spend any time with her after shift because that would mean she would have to stay awake for hours before my shift ends… But what I feared the most were our nights off, we had arranged them to be almost the same without anyone becoming aware of it. Now her nights or days or whatever… off are on completely other dates than mine. We don't have one time off together, so much for dating her. Even if we would be together now I don't think we would see each other often. How am I supposed to have a relationship with her now?

_I hate __Ecklie_

* * *

Poor Sofia indeed… what Ecklie did to her is even worse than what he did to our team. He not only demoted her but took her away from her friends and colleagues. Working days meant she worked like regular people from 9 to 5, then she went home and could spend her evening like she wanted. Her friends all have a regular daytime job too, they can still get together but now without Sofia because she has to work.

I don't exactly know how long she has been a CSI but her life is turned upside down by this simple switch. It takes months, for some people even years, before you are used to having little sunlight in your life. It's also totally different to spend your mornings like evenings, fair enough in Vegas it doesn't matter that much because you can always find a bar even a restaurant to be open 24/7 but it's not the same.

Also she has to work with people she barely knows and who barely know her. I have seen her around the lab when I pulled a double but I didn't know who she was or even what her name was, I only knew she was a CSI working for Ecklie which meant not a friend. When we were finally introduced it was under the worst circumstances ever, she was investigating Grissom therefore also Grissom's team, us.

That means she has to work with people she investigated add the fact there are people with trust-issues and you can imagine how tough this has to be for her. I for one don't trust her, me and my trust-issues had a hard time to come around the fact that she played for Ecklie's team. She is a nice person and she has a special ability which I admire, she can talk to Grissom in a way no one can not even Catherine. They have natural chemistry, at first I found it pretty annoying but now I think it's cute.

Sofia tried to be friendly, of course I shot every attempt down. She's attractive, smart, funny, well-read, she has blonde hair and clear blue eyes everything you would want in a woman still I don't want her. Not even as a friend, not yet. First she'll have to gain my trust a bit more. And since she also has her way of sweet talking Catherine…I don't think it will be soon. I made it unmistakably clear to her that I don't trust her when I was looking through some files and she offered a helping hand, I told her I didn't need help.

Although we're not the best of friends, I still pity her and what she has gone through and I respect her for the fact she comes to work with a smile every day, she's always friendly and ready to help anyone. I would never be able to do that, every day coming face to face with the fact that I was demoted and still wear a big smile. I have to admit she's an amazing woman and given time we will learn to be friends…

* * *

_**Thanks for reading! If you want them to be together... then review. Maybe then I'll speed the process a bit ;-). **_


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N: _You asked me to keep the nesting dolls fight and I did, but not in the way you expect it I guess... So enjoy the notorious (episode) Nesting Dolls._  
**

* * *

**Chapter 37 **

'Sara, you're mine tonight.' how I've longed to hear those words…too bad they're used in a completely professional context. I turn around to the sound of the voice and smile at Catherine but before I can say anything she's gone.

I head after her, I almost have to run to catch up. 'Whoa whoa, where's the fire?'

She stops and faces me 'No fire, a mold.'

'Does that have to mean anything to me, because I think I missed something…' I raise an eyebrow at her.

'Sorry, we found two bodies covered in tar. Grissom came in early to help me and in all his efforts to remove the bodies he destroyed a skull. I need you, Sara.' She says almost begging me.

'It's always nice to be needed.' I reply in a serious tone wearing a huge grin 'Now where do I find that piece of tar?'

She smiles at me, pleased that I want to help her 'I put everything already in one of the labs. Now get to work.' She's genuinely thrilled that we'll be working together for a whole shift and so am I.

_Dreams do come true…_

When I show Nick, Warrick and Catherine my creation they're in total awe. They walk in and take a seat at the table, Catherine chooses to sit next to me. We discus Doc Robbins findings and Hodges tells us what he discovered, namely that the body on the bottom was buried 5 years ago and Jane Doe top was buried 2 years ago. When I see the X-rays of her head with the surgical wire only one things goes through me, domestic abuse.

I had this great idea of going to the hospital and check all the women that came in with jaw fractures the last 2 or 3 years. Seeing all these broken faces was hard, it hit too close home. Literally home, it reminded me so much of my parents. It makes me nervous, so I rub my neck in a calming gesture but it doesn't really work. Lucky me, after a couple of files I find a picture that matches my mold. _I found her_.

I call Catherine and she is going to inform Brass, only a couple minutes later Catherine calls me to tell me we found her ex-husband and he is willingly coming in for 'questioning'. Well it's not a real interrogation, but the outcome is the same we get the information we want or nothing useful if he doesn't know about her whereabouts right before she died.

I made a terrible judgmental mistake, I should have let Catherine handle this on her own, since I was already a bit on edge thanks to the photos. But my need to be around Catherine won. When Mr. Melton, the husband, arrives with his new young Asian wife who is entirely obedient I'm enraged. I should have left, but my personal crusade against abusive men kept me where I was.

I berated the suspect which got us nowhere, my resentment for the man was perceptible in every fiber of my body. I almost told him flatly he abused his wives, I had no right and Catherine is clearly upset by my behavior. It got worse…while we were walking down the hallway we discussed it further. She was becoming angry, especially when I started to verbally attack her too. She only wanted to know why these cases get to me like they do, of course she expressed herself poorly adding fuel on the fire already burning high in me…

Instead of telling her we could talk about it afterwards, I accused her of flaunting her sexuality to get ahead. Not only did my words wound her awfully, they also earned me a week suspension. Ecklie of course had heard me and Catherine and he wanted to speak with me about it. I completely lost it when that pompous ass was telling me how I should behave in and out of the lab.

Going home was all I could do, I was fuming I didn't even care I could get fired for my stupid blowup. At that moment I didn't even think about Catherine's feelings, I knew she was hurting but selfish me wasn't going to do anything about it.

Now sitting at home with a beer in my hand listening to my stereo I beg to differ. I have been berating myself for the last two hours about how unprofessional I had conducted myself and about how I handled the situation with Catherine. A knock on my door ends my trip to memory lane, I stand up and walk to my door. I have absolutely no idea who's standing at the other side, so I look through my peephole…Grissom. _This can't be good._

'Well if you're here, it can't be good.' I tell him flatly.

'Can I come in?'

I step aside so he can enter, I lift my beer bottle at him and smirk 'Want to ask me if I'm drunk?'

'We both know that's not your problem.' He steps more into the room so I have room enough to close my door.

Ecklie has asked him to fire me, I didn't expect any less of that jerk. Grissom wants an explanation first. I tell him I lost my temper, he wants to know why. I don't know what difference that'll make, seeing I'm already fired but Grissom doesn't give up so I use a couple of terms my counselor used but he's not impressed. He knows I only did that to dodge giving him a real clarification.

The longer he is standing there, the more nervous and agitated I get. I'm not ready to tell him why these cases make me act the way I did. Even if he's my best friend, I can't do that. I'm not comfortable telling anybody about my past, I never told anyone. The only person who knows anything about it learned it through my diary. I won't let Grissom read it, even Catherine hasn't read it. So why should he…

Breathing becomes harder with every passing word, he has to leave why doesn't he just get the fuck out of here. The concern in his eyes is making me small as a lost child. Hopeful he's the bringer of good things at last… I want to jump out of my window and I would have if I was sure I would have lived to tell about it, but I doubt that. _Please leave it alone Grissom._ He sees my inner turmoil, he knows I don't want to talk about this still he keeps staring at me. This is the first time Grissom doesn't back down, he came here with a mission and he won't leave until he has accomplished it.

'What do you want from me?' I ask him in a last effort to make everything go away by sheer willpower.

'I want to know why you're so angry?'

I can't keep this up… I have no choice, when I see the pained expression on his face I'm lost. He wants a reason to not fire me, well I'll give it to him. I walk over to my couch and plop down.

'You better sit down.' It's almost a command. I tell him in short terms how my life was, not all of it just enough to make him understand. I speak about it like processing a scene it makes it easier probably for the both of us. He supports me all the way through my narration then I break down and cry until I have no tears left. He just holds my hand, not pitying me but comforting me and thanking me silently.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading, now hit that button and tell me what you think of it :-)! **_


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N: _It's time to kiss and make up according to a certain someone. Enjoy!_**

* * *

**Chapter 38 **

'_Sara, you sure you're awake…you sound like your still in dreamland.'_

'Give me some time will ya… Some people actually need sleep.'

'_I know, but last time I checked you weren't one of them.'_

'If you don't stop badgering me I'm going to hang up.' I smile, I don't really mean it.

'_Sor-ry__.' _She deliberately draws the word out.

'What's the reason of this phone call anyway.'

'_Since when do you need a reason if you want to call a friend.'_

'You have never called me without a reason.' And I know she has one now also.

'_Well there's a first for everything if I'm not mistaken.' _She says matter-of-factly.

'Sure there is, but I know you have a reason… so spill it.'

'_Whatever…' _I almost hear her roll her eyes. '_I just want to talk to you.'_

_'_About what?' I ask confused.

'_About what happened between you and my mom.'_ I knew she didn't just call me.

'Why?' my tone is friendly.

'_Because I know you haven't talked to her in almost a week now and she's is becoming unbearable… You should see her, she is constantly complaining about everything, if I do my homework on the kitchen table she asks me why I don't use the desk she bought me, then when I do it at my desk, she asks me why I don't want to be around her… she is driving me crazy.'_ I'm feeling sorry for Lindsey, I know how good Catherine is at driving people crazy with her weird behavior.

'Sorry.'

'_Don't say sorry, do something about it! Anything, just make it stop. Please!' _she sounds worn out.

'Why do you think I can change anything about it?' where does she get the idea this is somehow my fault.

'_Because.. when I mentioned your name, she almost started throwing things at me. I had to tell her that CSI would find pieces of the object in my skull when they would process my body. That seemed to calm her down a bit.'_

I smile at her wit, this girl would make a great CSI, I don't just say that judging by this comment, sometimes she likes to discuss fake crime scenes with me. She has a great eye for details 'In that case, you're probably right. I'll tell you what I will do, but I need your help.'

'_No problem.'_

'I won't call her, she has been ignoring my calls so that's no use. I won't see her at work till Monday and even then the chance we get to talk or even see each other is small. So I was thinking of coming over… I know it's her night off but you have to arrange a sleepover or ask you're aunt if you can come because it will be a pretty heated conversation and I don't want you to hear it.'

'_Sara, I'm not a child anymore… if by heated you mean you two are going to have mind-blowing sex I understand.' _She's definitely not a child anymore, her statement leaves me flabbergasted for some time.

When I've overcome my state of shock I correct her 'No Linds, that's not exactly what I meant… And what do you know about mind-blowing sex anyway? Actually don't answer that or you'll give me a heart attack.'

Her laugh filters my brain '_You're so funny. Just for the record I don't know anything about mind-blowing sex yet but I overheard her talking to aunty Nancy when you two were together.'_

_She talked with Nancy about our sex life… _I'm blushing. Although I asked her not to talk about sex anymore, she had to continue. 'Could you arrange something let's say I'll come over around six tonight…'

'_Sure thing. Thanks Sara, you're the best!' _she squeaks, she might be a teenager now but sometimes she's still little Lindsey.

* * *

My plan to win Catherine back is set into action. Lindsey has arranged a sleepover and informed Catherine she has to go over to a friend to work on a project for school. She also asked if it was okay if she spent the night there since that would be easier. Catherine unaware of our evil scheme complied.

I just got of the phone with Lindsey again and now I need to get ready. First a shower, then eat something and some shopping is in order too… The first two things I managed in a heart beat, now it is shopping time. I want to buy her something in a way of apologizing, I know she likes flowers. Eddie just wasn't the type to buy her flowers and I believe none of her jerk boyfriends were either, they were only after one thing…

I'm standing in a flower shop looking at all the colorful flowers. I don't want to give her a rose, they are way too cliché. I want to give her something special, something totally me… The flower-shop girl comes over to me, standing rather close. I look at her and she gives me a flirtatious smile. _Mhmm__…a flirting shopkeeper can come in handy._ I estimate this girl is about 20 years old, she has light brown hair and piercing green eyes, she's tall only an inch shorter than I am.

'Can I help you?' she asks in a husky voice.

'Actually I'm pretty sure you can…' I deliberately make eye contact with her, a blush forms on her cheeks.

'Tell me what you need.' Although I made her blush, her voice is still steady and full of confidence.

I turn my body in her direction and take one step closer, I bring my mouth next to her ear and say in a low whisper 'I think you know exactly what I need.'

Her breath catches and a soft whimper escapes her lips. I pull back a bit and look at her, her body is flushed, I run a finger along her arm and she is about to faint from the excitement. I smile to myself 'I need a special flower. A beautiful one, one that can stand alone doesn't need a whole bouquet to go with.'

'Give me a minute.', she walks to the back of the shop and comes back with the most special flower I have ever seen, I don't know what it is and it doesn't really matter. It has a long dark green stem, no thorns. It has long oval shaped petals which are pink with yellow smears, when you look at them from a different angle they appear to be sky blue. _Told you they come in handy. _I don't think she would have gotten me this one if I hadn't flirted with her a bit.

'It's beautiful. How much?' I'm still staring at this enigmatic flower.

'For you it's free.'

'I insist on paying for it.'

'Just promise me we'll go for a drink sometime and it's all yours.' I believe she was talking about more than the flower, but I agree to take her out some time telling her I'm spoken for though and accept the now gift wrapped flower.

* * *

I'm standing in front of Catherine's still closed door, I'm sweating and taking deep breaths in order to calm myself. I haven't knocked yet, she is still oblivious that there is someone standing outside her door. If I don't knock soon I'm going to lose my nerve… I should have spoken with her way earlier, I have the feeling it might already be too late. But I have to do this, if not for myself then definitely for Lindsey.

I rub my sweaty palm on my pants and make a fist, I knock and inhale deeply. _I can still run away… _In fact I lack the capacity to move a muscle, my anxiety has paralyzed me. She opens her door agonizingly slow, I want to push it open and reveal myself and at the same time I hope it takes hours before she sees me.

The safe barrier of the door is gone and we are face to face, neither speaks. She blinks her eyes a couple of times as if she's not sure whether I'm real or just a lapse of her imagination. I open my mouth but it's dry and no sound comes out. She seems to be having the same problem, she slowly steps back in a gesture to grant me access to her house. Still my legs refuse to obey my brain. She turns back to me, pleading me with her eyes to follow her.

She smiles slightly at me and that seems to be the trigger for my legs as they kick into action and step over the threshold. She's genuinely delighted I didn't run away. She closes her door, I walk over to the couch but don't sit down I just wait until she is standing next to me. Without saying a word I hand her the flower, she looks at it and her eyes widen. 'It's lovely.' I smile at her.

I cough to clear my throat and hope I'm finally able to talk 'I'm glad you like it. It says I'm sorry.' She walks to the kitchen and puts it in a vase which she puts on her counter, in clear view from every angle of her house.

She comes back and I see her eyes brimming with unshed tears, she pulls me into a hug. 'I'm sorry too.' She mumbles into my chest, where her head is resting. We don't pull back, both savoring the moment and each other's closeness.

When I feel something wet through my shirt I realize she's crying, I hook a finger under her chin and make her look at me, I kiss her tears away and she pulls me even closer to her. I can feel her body heat emanate from her. I kiss the top of her head and steer us in the direction of the couch, we sit down not losing contact. 'I have missed you so much, I regret every word I said, I was just angry and frustrated, can you forgive me?'

'You were forgiven the moment I laid eyes on you. Can you forgive me too for not listening to you?'

I just smile at her, no words needed. I adjust our positions so she's lying with her head in my lap and I stroke her hair. Her breathing evens out, but she's not sleeping just resting comfortably. _I love you!_

* * *

'SAARRAA, you are totally my hero!!!' Lindsey's loud voice wakes me effectively. I almost jump out of the bed, but Catherine's waking form is cuddled firmly against me. I look at Lindsey who's beaming as a smile is slowly forming on my face.

'Good morning to you too.' I yawn.

'Morning??? It's almost one…' her smile turns into a smirk. _Please don't let her say anything about mind-blowing sex!_ 'I thought you had a different opinion on heated conversation.' She crosses her arms in front of her chest.

_Oh no too late! _I hope Catherine's sleeping mind didn't register Lindsey's words. I look at her and she staring at me with wide eyes, guess she's just as awake as I am. _Damn!_ I blush fiercely. 'Hi there.' My voice is a pitch higher than I remembered.

She doesn't say anything, she just stares at me. My blush only deepens and my heart beat's a bit faster, Catherine's arm is spread over my chest and I'm sure she can feel it. I look at Lindsey instead, pleading her not to say anything else however she's enjoying my discomfort far too much. 'Oh, I wasn't supposed to say something about that now was I?' she is undoubtedly making fun of me.

I scowl at her which only makes her laugh. I can feel Catherine's stare on me, I'm too afraid to look at her so I keep my gaze on Lindsey who's clearly out for revenge. 'Hi mom, so this means you will stop acting weird - finally, judging by the _heated_ conversation you had…' Catherine moves her body a little and I glance quickly at her to see what's going through her mind at the moment. She is blushing bright pink too and she's also scowling at Lindsey, although I see something else in her eyes…confusion.

Of course she's confused, she doesn't have a clue what Lindsey is talking about, then it hits her and she turns back to me. 'So you two planned this whole thing?'

'If I say yes will you be angry?'

'No.'

'Yes.' I give her one of my famous smiles.

'So what did Lindsey mean exactly by heated conversation…did you have something planned I'm not aware off?'

My jaw drops, when I look back at Lindsey she bolts out of the room like lightening. I guess she knew from the look on my face how much trouble she was in. Catherine hooks a finger under my chin and shifts my gaze back at her. A smile firmly plastered on her lips 'You're cute when you're startled. You're amazing you know that?' she pauses 'You did all this just to make it up to me?'

'You weren't answering any of my phone calls so I figured I must have been in a lot of trouble…' she wants to interrupt me I don't give her the opportunity 'And just for the record by heated conversation I meant heated conversation. Lindsey's opinion completely varies from mine.' I hold up my hand in mock surrender.

'Yeah about that, what precisely does she think about that?'

'You'll have to ask her herself.'

She's obviously not satisfied with my answer, she straddles me in one swift movement and begins to tickle me until I'm begging her to stop. But she won't as long as I don't answer her question, breathing is becoming an issue and in a final attempt to make her stop I manage to grab her wrists and reverse our position, so now I'm on top of her, I push her hands onto the mattress so she's powerless. I'm breathless not only from our little game but also from our current position, I'm ogling her and she doesn't mind one bit. The tension between us is building again and I move out of the bed to prevent any further actions.

Catherine looks somewhat puzzled by my sudden movement and I give her an apologetic look 'Lindsey…open door…' she accepts it but she's not convinced that was my only motivation. It's not, I don't know why but I'm afraid of going further with her. It has been like this for weeks, something is holding me back. I lost her once, perhaps I'm not ready to lose her once more…

I'm staring too long at her before I move out of sight and into her bathroom. I take a shower and walk back into her bedroom only wearing a towel. When she sees me her jaw drops and now it's her turn to ogle. 'Sorry forgot my clothes.' I take them and walk back scared that if I would dress in front of her, she would jump me.

Fully clothed I walk over to her, she's still lying in her bed only on my side of the bed now. I sit down and run my fingers through her hair. 'Shouldn't you get ready for work?'

'I don't want to…' she whines.

'Cath as adorable as you are when you whine and pout like that, you have to get up or you'll be late.'

'No I won't get up.' Her pout only becomes bigger.

I roll my eyes 'Then you give me no choice.' I pick her up and throw her over my shoulder, I walk into the bathroom and put her in the shower, in one quick movement I remove the T-shirt she slept in and put the water on. All the way she was screaming frantically, which alarmed Lindsey I guess because she came running over to us looking worried.

When she sees what I have done with her mother, she pats me on the shoulder 'You are definitely my hero!'

* * *

_**Thanks for reading! Reviews still much appreciated :-).**_


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N: _Well, I told you I still had to work around Novak and I did. I hope you like the way I see things._**

* * *

**Chapter 39**

When the suspension is over, time I get to spend with Catherine becomes almost nonexistent again. I saw her a couple of times but we didn't manage to talk for a very long time, sometimes I deliberately arrive even earlier at work in order to be able to see her, even for just a couple of minutes. But most times she's out in the field…

Today is one of those days I'm working on some lose ends three hours before my shift starts, however Catherine is out in the field. I don't know how much time has gone by when I see her walking past the lab I'm working in. She looks tired and in clear need of a drink to relax a bit. Strange she didn't walk in to say hi, maybe she didn't see me. I put away the evidence and decide to pay her a visit. I guess she's in her office…

I look inside but it's empty, I try the break room and the locker room but no Catherine. I could call her but I suppose she's out in the field again. _Damn!_ I walk back to the break room and plop down on one of the couches, I pick up one of the magazines and start to read it. Some time later Grissom walks in and takes a cup of coffee, he smiles at me and asks what I'm reading. We discuss the article about new forensic equipment a bit and then he hands me a slip. Time to work!

When I'm finally back at the lab to deposit time sensitive evidence in various labs, I notice Catherine again. She can't see me, she looks tired and in need of some company. She walks over to Nick and Warrick who are also ready to leave, to go home or somewhere else… She asks them to go for a drink but they already have plans. They say goodbye and leave a very miserable looking Catherine. For a moment I consider walking over to her and talk to her, but I only have a couple of minutes before I have to get back to the scene.

She leaves and I go back.

* * *

When all the evidence that could be found is being processed, I grab a cup of coffee and sit down going over my file. I can't really do anything for the moment, just wait. Grissom sees me and walks over to me.

'Sara, good you're back. How is your case going?'

'Good, it's practically a slam dunk, the place was covered with evidence and Brass already has the suspect in custody, I'm just waiting to get the results.'

'So you could help me with a case, I had to call Catherine in because I'm shorthanded.' He waits expectantly for my reply.

Catherine working now…on a case…help her and Grissom…of course I'm in! 'No problem, what can I do?'

'Thanks, Catherine is going over the victim's clothes at this moment, could you help her?'

I smile and stand up, I grab another cup of coffee and exit the break room in search of the lab with Catherine in. I find her and hand her the cup of coffee, she's a bit surprised at first but excepts the coffee nonetheless. She smiles her gratitude though I note she's tensed. I sit down next to her and we process the clothes together.

I decide to lighten the mood a bit 'So, Judge Wilson tells me I'd have better luck with a blue suit than a gray suit. What is that? Do you think he meant that? Do you think he was flirting with me or ... ?'

It doesn't really work, she keeps processing and answers in a flat tone 'I thought judges were supposed to be color blind.'

'Yeah, right. That's cute.'

She tells me she found some particulate on the jacket and I tell her the pocket contents. When I mention a matchbook, she freezes for a moment and then looks really panicky. She asks if she can have a look at it and I show it to her wondering what makes her act this way. She stands up and backs away from me 'You know, I've got to go pick up Lindsey. Could you cover for me?'

Now she's acting really weird, but I comply 'Sure.' She heads out of the lab, thanking me. She moves quickly and I add 'Tell her I said "Hey"'. She nods and then disappears. I shake my head and return to the evidence.

* * *

I'm lying on my couch, resting. Suddenly someone is frantically knocking on my door, I turn the volume of my music down thinking it's an angry neighbor, but the knocking doesn't stop. The person on the other side is practically breaking down my door. I get up to see who's on the other side, I open my door ready to give whoever is standing there a piece of my mind until I spot Catherine.

She rushes past me and enters, I turn to look at her with what can only be a very puzzled expression. I know she acted weird during shift, but now she's frightening me. I hope nothing is wrong. When she looks at me she starts to cry, I walk over to her and pull her into a hug, rubbing her back in a soothing gesture and uttering sweet nothings in her ear.

A couple minutes later the crying subsides and she looks at me with a sad face, I smile at her but that only makes her start to cry again. W_rong move._ I hold her closer, but she pushes me away gently. She cries harder, somehow I fear it's me that makes her cry. She was not crying when she was breaking down my door she started it when she looked at me then again when I smiled at her and now holding her is a no can do either. I'm at loss of what's wrong.

'I don't deserve this, I shouldn't even be here! You're the nicest person I know and I only hurt you… I don't deserve you, I'm a bad person! I should go.' She's hysterically pacing up and down, I shake my head and try to figure out what the hell is going on.

'Cath, sweetie you didn't hurt me.' she keeps pacing and doesn't acknowledge me 'Look at me, I'm fine.' I try to reassure her I'm alright, she looks at me and sees I'm okay though she shakes her head and starts pacing again.

'You're not alright, I hurt you. I'm evil. You should hate me!' I've had it, I definitely need to know what's going on here. I walk up to her and place my hands firmly on her waist stopping the pacing and forcing her to look up to me. When she finally does I see how red her eyes are.

'Please tell me what's going on, you're scaring me.' I plead her.

'I…I…I…' Her frantic sobbing makes her unable to utter a word.

'Cath, calm down. It's okay, just tell me slowly.'

She takes a couple of breaths and starts 'You know I love you, don't you?' I nod and she continues 'I'm so alone Sara, I can't be alone! I need you! I want you and every day I'm away from you I'm hurting deep inside, it's like a part of me is dead.' I listen to her but still don't understand where this is going, I decide to remain silent. 'Yesterday I had a case about betrayal and how far some people go and I freaked. I missed you more than ever, I wanted to talk to you but instead I went out to this bar and had a drink. A man walked over to me and started to talk to me, he was nice. He knew I was lonely and played into my need for human contact. I…I…' she starts to cry again and I have a pretty good idea what happened next and what makes her act this way. I smile at her and tell her to continue with my eyes.

'I kissed him, but I didn't want it. From the moment his lips touched mine, I knew it was wrong he was wrong. I wanted to feel your lips and no one else's. I pushed him away but he was convinced I was going to give him much more. And he … he got angry.' I pull her into a hug again and just hold her, I kiss the top of her head.

I'm not angry about this, I understand how she felt and I also understand her need for human contact, I know she needs it more than I do. I'm upset though that this bastard tried to hurt her. 'Cath, there is nothing wrong with wanting human contact. You didn't do anything wrong.'

'I did, I betrayed you.' She breathes out.

'No you didn't, we're not together you are allowed to kiss whoever you want.' I lock eyes with her and see how much my words have hurt her, I'm a real idiot sometimes. 'I love you and I want you to be mine more than anything I've ever wanted, but I made the mistake of letting you go…'

She silences me with her lips on mine, the kiss is deep and passionate. Months of wanting, loving and caring put into it. Her kiss tastes a little salty from all the tears she spilled but I don't mind, I run my tongue over her bottom lip and feel her tongue touch mine. We deepen the kiss even more only breaking it when we have to, in order to breathe. Catherine is the first to speak 'I have been yours for months, even years. I have been stupid…' I put a finger on her lips.

'Shh, we have both been stupid not seeing what others clearly could. I love you and I will never let you go again!' I kiss her once more and move us towards my bedroom. There I pull back the covers and tell her to lie down, she obeys silently. I lie down next to her and pull her close to me. Only moments later we both drift off.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading! I hope you're all happy now, I brought them back together :-)! **_


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N: _I'm terribly sorry it took me this long to update, somehow writing two texts at the same time and also preparing lessons and grading papers was a bit harder to do than I expected. But here it is... so I'm going to shut up now. Enjoy!  
_**

* * *

**Chapter 40**

The team is back together, which means Catherine and I can spend much more time in each other's company. Time at work was hard, every chance we've got we were sneaking kisses or giving each other a quick, much needed hug. Outside of work we still didn't see each other much, Catherine sometimes came here after work and when I came home hours later, we slept together for two hours or so, then she got up and went home to her daughter.

That's how it has been for almost 5 weeks now, I'm not complaining any time I get to spend with the woman I love is better than none at all. We also decided to take things really slow this time, that means we're still dating each other. Whenever we are able we have a date: dinner or a movie or both, or we go out for a drink or a walk. It's really great, it's like nothing bad ever happened between us before. We haven't had sex yet, we decided to wait until the time was right and until we actually had time to do it.

When Nick went missing, we were all stressed out and afraid that we might never see him again. We worked our asses off to find him and finally we did, the only good thing about his abduction is that Grissom demanded his team back and Ecklie had no choice but to comply. Being one team again is great! I missed Warrick and Nick too, they were always there for me when I needed them. Now we are able to go for a drink or breakfast after work again and to talk about personal stuff that is bothering us. We learned that Warrick got married, Catherine was upset about this at first because Warrick hadn't told her and didn't even invite his friends to the wedding.

The guys don't know we're back together, we decided not to tell anyone yet. But they have noticed we carpool to work and they also saw the difference in our interaction. They have asked us about it, but we pleaded the fifth every single time. It's funny how they try to walk in on us and catch us red-handed, every time I'm in Catherine's office they walk in _accidently_ forgetting to knock to ask a mundane question just to check what we were up to. This also happens when we're alone in the locker room, so far they haven't got lucky.

* * *

It's 2 pm, that means I'm up early. When I enter my kitchen I see there's nothing I can do at home, everything is clean and there's plenty of food in the cupboards and refrigerator. I take a shower and get dressed, I decide to read the latest forensic journal that came yesterday. Seems like I read it entirely already so I put it back down and ponder about what I'm going to do next. Maybe I should pay Cath a surprise visit, that's a good idea. Maybe I can help her out a bit. 

Twenty minutes later I'm standing in front of her door, I knock and wait for an answer. The door opens slightly and a short red head opens it, she's older than Catherine but there are similarities between them. This has to be her mother, Catherine has told me a lot about her mother but I didn't actually meet her. 'Good afternoon, I'm Sara Sidle. I work with Catherine.'

'Oh Ms Sidle, please come in. I'm Lily. Catherine is out though, but you're very welcome.' She smiles at me, looks like Catherine told her about me. I feel a bit awkward meeting Cath's mom without Cath.

'She's out? Well, then I should go. I don't want to bother you.' I return the smile.

'Nonsense, come in. I'm glad I finally get to meet you.'

Now I know where Catherine gets her persuasive side from, I enter the house still feeling a bit awkward though. She motions for me to take a seat and I obey, she asks me if I would like a cup of coffee and I nod, minutes later she's back holding two cups. She hands one to me and sits down.

'So Ms Sidle, you work with my Catherine. Tell me – how is she as a coworker?' she asks curiously.

'Please call me Sara.' I don't like to be called Ms Sidle, it's much too formal.

'Okay Sara, now tell me.' she looks expectantly at me, looks like her daughter doesn't tell her much.

'Well, I know her 6 years and now she's great to work with. She's an excellent investigator, she's intelligent, funny and reliable. The latter is very important in our line of work, you have to be able to depend on the other to have your back in case a suspect returns and the officers aren't in the vicinity.'

'You said now, how was it before…' looks like her mother doesn't miss much either.

'When we first met, Catherine acted like a …' I want to say _bitch_ but I don't think that would be a good move if I expect her mother to like me. I'm contemplating on how I have to describe Catherine's behavior back then.

'A total bitch…don't be timid to say it, I know my own daughter and I know what she can be like.' she smiles.

'Yeah bitch is indeed the best word to describe her behavior back then. We were always bickering and I couldn't do anything good according to her. However some time later we learned to except each other and we became friends.' I sip from my cup 'Then I saw what a great person she really was, we still have our differences sometimes but now we talk about it like adults.'

She listens intently to my narrative of the things that have happened between Catherine and I. Occasionally asking a question when something wasn't entirely clear, then she asked me about my relationship with Lindsey. I told her we always have a great time together and that I help her with her schoolwork. She is impressed, the conversation is light until Lily decides to change the course of it.

'You are an amazing person, Sara. You are the only one who can challenge my daughter like that and you also seem to be able to control her sometimes. You even love her daughter like she's your own. I'm in total awe.' I'm blushing 'Well I will be able to sleep much better now that I know my daughter is in good hands.'

The implication of her statement was loud and clear to me, I choke on the coffee I was drinking and spit it all over Catherine's coffee table. Lily quickly stands and retrieves a cloth in the kitchen to clean it. I'm still coughing and she pats my back and tries to calm me a bit. When she succeeds she smiles at me and apologizes 'Sorry Sara, I didn't mean to shock you.'

'Did she tell you?' I ask her intrigued.

'No, you did.' My jaw drops to the floor.

'When … how…'

'I noticed the look you got every time you mentioned her name, your eyes would sparkle and you're face flushed slightly. The tone in your voice changed, I could hear an underlying happiness in it. You, my dear, are completely smitten.' Her smile widens 'And I noticed the same in Catherine every time she talks about you, so I put one and one together. I guess that's why I haven't met you before, Catherine is always afraid I'll embarrass her.' she rolls her eyes.

'Are you okay with it?' I ask her hesitantly, she appears to be more than okay with it, but I find that rather strange. Here in Vegas homosexuality isn't always that well-accepted although it is Vegas.

'Of course I am, why wouldn't I be. As long as you treat her right, I don't see why I would have a problem with it. Besides I was a show girl once…' then she tells me a story about her and one of her best friends, who also was a show girl. The more she tells me the more my jaw drops to the floor. I'm staring at her with wide eyes, totally petrified. I hope I could just disappear and to make things worse, I hear Catherine's front door open.

They don't notice me immediately, Lindsey is the first 'SARA!' she shouts, I want to smile and say hi too but I'm frozen in place. I just sit there, staring. I hear Lindsey say to Catherine 'Mom, why does Sara look so pale? Is she okay?' Catherine who was also smiling at me, now looks horrified when she sees my state of _catatonic_ shock.

'Mom, what have you done with her!!!' she shouts at Lily while walking over to me. She puts a hand to my forehead to feel my temperature then she scowls at her mother.

'I didn't do anything, she was fine a couple of minutes ago.' Lily starts to defend herself.

'She doesn't look fine now, what have you told her? Look at her!' I'm still staring, I want to speak but I can't, it's like I'm looking on the action in front of me outside my own body. Catherine rubs my back gently and addresses me 'Sweetie, are you okay? Blink if you hear me.' I blink once.

'I'm sorry Catherine but I haven't said anything. We were just talking about her relationship with you and Lindsey and I told her I was glad she cared so much about you. Then she asked me if I was okay with her dating my daughter and I told her I was.' Lily is desperately trying to defend herself, fearing the wrath of her daughter.

'Mom, tell me you didn't tell her about your "experiences"?' Catherine asks in a menacing tone, Lily only blushes fiercely confirming Catherine's fears. 'Oh no. Could you please leave us for a sec.' Lily dejectedly leaves the room and takes Lindsey with her, they disappear in the kitchen.

'Sara, please baby look at me.' Catherine asks me in pleading tone.

It snaps me somewhat out of my shock and I turn my face in her direction, she kisses me softly. It takes me a little before I return her kiss. Then she stops and looks at me worriedly. I smile at her to reassure her everything will be fine.

'I'm so sorry I wasn't here. That's why you didn't get to meet her earlier, she has a tendency of scaring away my lovers, especially the female ones.' This snaps me completely out of my shock.

'She knew?' I ask, my voice hoarse.

'Yeah, she knows I like women too.' Catherine's tone is apologetic 'I should have told you.'

'Nah, I'm fine. I was just shocked about the details she put into her little narrative about her experiences with women.' This seems to shock Cath a bit too.

'What do you mean... women?' she asks although she's not sure she wants to know the answer.

'She had sex with 3 women at the same time after she experienced first with her best friend. She also had sex with another woman and a man. You're mom is pretty cool.' I smile at her, but she's busy picking her jaw up from the floor.

'No wonder, you were in shock!' she pulls me in a hug and kisses me lightly on the lips once more 'What brought you here?' she asks intrigued.

'I wanted to pay you a surprise visit so…surprise!' she smiles at me and rolls her eyes. Then she calls her mom and says everything is okay.

'I'm sorry Lily, I was a bit shocked but now I'm okay with it. It took some time but I'm fine.' I smile reassuringly at Lily, who smiles back.

Catherine tells us she's making dinner and I have to stay. No way I'm rejecting her offer, Lindsey and Lily join me on the couch and we talk about everything and nothing, while Catherine prepares dinner. Of course Lily tells us some embarrassing stories about Catherine and we laugh. When Catherine finds out, she calls her mom in the kitchen and tells her she needs help, that leaves me and Lindsey.

She narrows her eyes at me before she speaks 'Tell me you're going to stay this time.'

'I'm not going to promise anything I might not be true, you know that.' She looks a bit disappointed 'But, I love your mother very much and I'm not going anywhere at the moment, in fact I intend to stay for as long as you both want me here.' Her face brightens and she starts to smile.

She pulls me in a tight hug almost cracking some of my ribs 'Sara, I love you and I want you to stay!'

'I love you too, kiddo.'

She rolls her eyes 'Sara, I'm thirteen going on fourteen I'm not a kiddo anymore.'

'You'll always be to me.' I smile at her and she looks to be okay with it, she hugs me again and kisses my cheek. Then she pulls me out of the couch and drags me to her room to show me the project she's working on. Her face is full of pride when she explains me everything she did.

After dinner we watch some television until it's time to go to work. Catherine drives us which means I'm probably staying the night here. Not that I mind, not at all.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading, I hope you still like it. I decided it was best they took things (actually) slow this time... Reviews are very welcome!**_

* * *


End file.
